Spared or Spoiled Movie Reviews: Logan

The rules are simple. The good get spared. The bad get spoiled.

SPOILER ALERT!!!

I did not like this movie. I thought it was a child’s idea of what an adult movie would look like. Violence and cursing. “Please daddy can I stay up and watch Logan with you? I won’t get bad dreams honest. No? Why not? Why should I listen to you anyway? You’re not my real father.”

Go to bed. Because I said so and I’M AN ADULT!!!*

“It’s bedtime. Let’s find another nice family to kill.”

(Off topic* For the last several months, whenever I stop myself from doing something stupid or childish, I yell out, “I’m an adult.” in a fake stage voice out of pride and silliness. Which is admittedly stupid and/or childish but it has become my new mantra and the theme of this review for some reason)

Logan (20th Century Fox)

Directed by James Mangold

Written by Scott Frank, James Mangold & Michael Green

Starring Hugh JackmanPatrick StewartRichard E. GrantBoyd HolbrookStephen Merchant & Dafne Keen

I’ll put up my review now. The last post was me being happy with the theme of the movie Logan and what it means for comic book movies. I did not hate the movie as much as you might think. But I did not like it as much as most of you did. I thought the violence was unnecessarily um… violent. I’ve always believed that when it comes to Wolverine the idea of him doing those brutal things to people is sufficiently gruesome enough and not every kill has to be shown in gory HD detail. I thought the writing was sloppy. The plot was non-existent. The performances were good if only the actors were playing other characters. The only thing recognizable about those characters on the screen was the way they looked. I liked the theme though. I really did. Lone Wolf and Cub meets Mad Max meets Tuesdays with Morrie. That’s the reason I can say I didn’t hate the movie. The execution just left a hell of a lot to be desired. And obviously I’m going to spoil the shit out of it. And rant, and rant, and rant.

Verdict: SPOILED

“Are we really going to do this again? The first time was brutal enough.” “Honestly father. I thought at the very least you would see the irony in a Logan review being unnecessarily brutal… father?” “What are you like 60?”

SPOILER ALERT

The 25 Worse Things About The Movie Logan by Mel Rook

I started listing things and just kept going so there’s much more than 25 and they’re in no particular order because honestly I got bored.

To the list…

1) Wolverine’s adamantium does not corrode: I waited for them to say that he had some kind of radioactive substance in his body or that he was being poisoned because his fucking skeleton would not be leaking into his blood stream and affecting his healing. Not even acid would do that.

(Can we get someone in here who’s actually read the source material)

2) Wolverine is not a werewolf: Adamantium bullet? For fuck sake. Maybe it would go through his metal skull and then again maybe it wouldn’t. But Wolverine is not the fucking metal around his bones. Why would shooting him in the head kill him? Wolverine is not a zombie either. He heals after much worse injuries.

(Read the books)

“These are just props. No one actually fucking read them.”

Speaking of adamantium.

3) They put adamantium in the little girl’s body? Well then that means she can never grow any taller. It’s not an organic material. They encased her bones in a metal cage. She’s a human bonsai tree. What the fuck idiots?

(She’ll never be an adult… not like me. I’m an adult!!!)

Let’s move on to the unnecessarily violent action sequences.

4) The bad guys are like cannon fodder: They run right into the line of fire again and again. To the last man. They look like bad ass mercenaries but act like lambs being lead to the killing floor.

And what’s with all the gore? vicious kills of guys who can’t move. Vicious brutal kills by a little girl. It’s way over-the-top. In Deadpool it was necessary and comical. Here it’s just a way of screaming. “I’m a comic book movie for grown-ups!”

But let’s talk about the victims… the endless stream of so called bad guys.

5) Five guys show up for a fight and Wolverine kills twenty guys: Hub-cap thieves or industrial corn farmers or bad-ass mercenaries with cybernetic implants, more people die in the fights than actually show up for the fights. Just count them. I know continuity is an adult film-making concept but come on guys. At one point Bizzarro Wolverine is killing ranchers off camera but you can hear him and there’s like fifteen death screams for like eight rednecks. It’s dumb. The movie is dumb!!!

(I’m an adult!!!)

“The guy behind me knows I’m going to kill him right? Well then what the hell is his motivation?”

The little girl, Laura was made in a lab and yet…

6) She’s incredibly wise for someone so young: She doesn’t speak for half the movie and won’t shut up for the second half. I guess she had to speed learn English or something. She’s a kid. They learn things fast… like driving a car for instance.

7) She knows how to drive a car: For someone who has never left the lab, she parks the truck perfectly her first time behind the wheel.

(We’re all real proud of you Laura)

But how did she get Wolverine’s dense, metal bone having, passed out, grown man’s body into the stolen truck anyway? Never mind… it’s movie magic!!!

9) Shane, the classic western is on TV in the hotel room in the movie that we’re watching. And there is more emotion on the screen than at any time in the actual movie: Shane is not playing in the theater. Logan is not Shane. Logan will never be Shane. Logan… apologize to Shane.

“I can lift a man ten-times my size because… I’m a little adult!!”

10) What’s the bad guy’s motivation? Were they supposed to take Laura back alive? So that they could kill her later? Were they supposed to leave Charles alive. The “weapon of mass destruction” he had become. Were they supposed to keep Wolverine alive? What are the bad guys even doing?

“What’s my motivation? Am I a bad guy in this scene? Does the blade go through the back of my head from underneath the chin or the eye socket or is this yet another beheading? Wait… what’s my motivation again?”

(Grow Up)

Oh yeah let’s talk about this degenerative brain disease that causes people for miles around to have seizures when Charles has one. Then again let’s not it’s just dumb. Take your damn pills Charles.

(He can do as he pleases. He’s an adult!!!)

11) The young mutant clones are all so well-adjusted: Are we sure the corporation was treating them badly? They seem well-educated and healthy for lab experiments that they wanted to become super weapons. They should not have let them watch all those old westerns and read all those comic books.

And yeah…

12) Why are there X-Men comics in the movie? At no time in the X-Men timeline in any of the movies or comics are they accepted as heroes or even anti-heroes. We’re supposed to buy that they’ve been wiped off the face of the Earth. All of them including their children… their entire bloodline, but still the kiddies love to read about them in the comic books.

(I need to calm down before I have a seizure of my own)

“Professor. tell me how Magneto’s helmet works again.” “It works like a Faraday cage.” “Sure but in order to cover his head in all six directions wouldn’t he have to…” “It’s just a comic book you jackass.”

13) Logan is not in some dystopian future even though the film-makers forget and try to make it look like it is. I think they had Mad Max on the brain while filming. It’s the future, sure. You can tell by the tech. The self driving trucks and whatnot. But everything else is business as usual. Kids going to prom. People going to Vegas. Horses on the highway. Just because the last mutants are hiding out in some abandoned factory across the border doesn’t mean the world isn’t still spinning… just spinning without X-Men.

14) If they wanted to do the Old Man Logan story then they should have done that story. A darker, further in the future, story where super-villains divided the world up. They lame-assed it here. They lame-assed it real good.

15) What the fuck’s up with Callaban. I’m guessing the half werewolf, half zombie, Wolverine from Logan needed a vampire servant or some shit. Was Stephen Merchant supposed to be comic relief? because… not funny.

16) So is that tank that they keep Charles in supposed to act like a Faraday cage? Is it to protect others or to protect him. Because it doesn’t work for others. His seizure thing goes right through the tank. And if it’s supposed to hide him, well then they’re doing it wrong. The main mercenary bad guy cannon fodder guy actually says, “Keeping him in the tank. That was smart.”

(PLEASE EXPLAIN!!!!!!!)

“Well it’s obvious someone didn’t think this through.” “Don’t look at me. I’m the not at all funny comic relief. What do I know?” “You know enough to stay out of the sun.”

17) Hi I’m a nurse working for a secret corporation in the future but when I enter their top-secret facility they don’t take away my cell phone because… well because of plot. If you’re watching this then I must be dead… or I showed it to you because it’s evidence of the corporation’s wrong doing or you’re watching it on YouTube. I don’t know. If you’re watching this you must have pressed play. I was recording this when they broke in but I was still able to hide it and leave you note. And also they killed me but didn’t search the room. Whatever… my boyfriend worked there.

Let’s go back to the science behind this adamantium bullet for a second.

18) Did they mean adamantium tipped? That’s what they meant right? Still shouldn’t be able to kill Wolverine but you guys do see the error in your logic don’t you? Indestructible metal and all.

19) The coordinates are in the comic book. The coordinates are in the comic book. Just let that sink in for a second. Precise Longitude and Latitude? Because Stan Lee was thinking ahead and because of… you know plot?

(Excelsior!!!)

“He’s being so cruel.”

So did those kids build that house when they got to the coordinates that are from a fucking comic book or was the house already there? Asking for a friend.

20) The dialogue is crappy, people. The best line in the movie is a quote from another film. And she doesn’t even quote the burial scene in it. She watches Shane’s monologue to the kid and she watches the burial scene as well, so that when she quotes the final monologue during a burial scene it makes sense to us. It doesn’t. It’s fucking stupid.

(Hell I can still hear that kid yelling, “Come back, Shane! Mother wants you!” and it brings a tear to my eye today. They should be ashamed of themselves. That’s film-making. That’s real emotion. How dare they even compare Logan to that)

21) Is she a clone of Wolverine or is she his kid?

“He is NOT the father.” (Thank you Maury).

“Daddy!!!” (Use your words, Laura.) “AAAAARRRRGH!!!”

So they’re kids when it’s convenient. Weapons when it’s necessary. She’s a sweet kid when it’s cute. She’s a trained killer when it’s necessary. Because of plot, is that right?

Back to the seizures one last time… Because of their healing ability the two mutants are not as affected by Charles Xavier’s powerful seizures. Because of healing and… plot. Or is it their metal skulls?

(Tell me!!!)

22) Take your fucking medicine, Charles: “But I’m so sad about killing people, Logan that I can’t take my medicine that stops me from killing people.”

“Logan?” “Yes, Charles.” “When we’re on this boat you’re saving money to buy, how will I get my medication?” “Don’t ask me stupid questions, old man.” “But if we’re just getting on a boat to die then why does it have to be so expensive?” “You always were a pain in the ass, Professor.”

I almost forgot the dumbest part.

23) Let’s stay in this lovely family’s home. It’s not like we’re being chased by killer mercenaries. It’s not like the old man in the wheel chair (let’s take him upstairs by the way) is an out of control weapon of mass destruction or anything. And the feral kid isn’t a ticking time bomb of rage. And Wolverine himself isn’t fucking suicidal. Let’s repay their kindness by getting them all killed. That makes total sense.

Best part of the movie is when the father decides to shoot the real Wolverine knowing that he wasn’t the guy who killed his family directly… Indirectly, though… hell fucking yeah. He killed those nice people. “We almost killed an entire hotel full of tourists in Vegas. Let’s have a sleep over in the country!”

(I’m an adult!!! And I wrote me a comic book movie!!!)

Here’s something else stupid.

24) We’re going to buy a boat: Yeah because a guy with heavy metal bones and an old man who can’t use his legs are a great idea on the open water.

(OH MY GOD!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!)

If they’re not going out on that boat so that Logan can “Fredo Corleone” the Professor then I don’t know what the fuck’s going on.

“Pay attention Laura. You may have to drive me somewhere… without knowing where you’re going, knowing how to drive, being able to reach the pedals or how to read. And you’re going to have to steal a truck. Are you watching me? You need to watch me.”

Did no one read the script before making this movie???? No one??

Was there not an adult somewhere who could point out how dumb these things were?

What a great idea it was to do an adult comic book movie. Too bad they couldn’t find an adult to make it. Am I being too harsh?

And finally…

25) They tried to pattern Logan after the American western but totally missed the point. Wolverine is not a gunslinger. Wolverine is a fucking samurai. There’s a reason why I think the second Wolverine movie is the best one of the three, because it’s the only one that gets him right.

Wolverine.

Honor. Solitude. Bad-ass.

Not.

Whiny. Little. Bitch.

Okay I’m done.

– Mel

LOGAN: The Death of the Comic Book Movie (The Birth of the Comic Book Genre)

This is not a review, in the ordinary sense of the word. No, this is a prolonged insult, a gob of spit in the face of Art, a kick in the pants of Gods, X-Men, Destiny, Time, Love, Storm, Rogue, Beauty… Comic Books.

Logan: The Death of a the Comic Book Movie (The Birth of the Comic Book Genre)

…Or this is just me rambling on about movies and comic books as usual.

Logan (20th Century Fox)

Directed by James Mangold

Written by Scott Frank, James Mangold & Michael Green

Starring Hugh JackmanPatrick StewartRichard E. GrantBoyd HolbrookStephen Merchant & Dafne Keen

“I get the feeling this review is gonna hurt, kid. The kind of pain that doesn’t heal. You know what I mean?” “Of course I do. I’m extraordinarily wise for a lab experiment… oh yeah and I can drive.”

Make no mistake, people. Logan is not a good film. It’s not a good superhero film or a good western. Even as it tries to compare its own shit writing to the classic western Shane (SACRILEGE!!!), it is not a good movie, period. But what it is, what Logan turns out to be, is the latest in a welcome trend. A regular movie that just happens to star a comic book superhero. Not a superhero movie. Not a comic book movie. There are comic books in the movie. Wolverine waves them around from time to time, if that helps to put the character in context. But that’s about it. And it does not.

“You see, in this reality they made us into comic book superheroes for their kids but still hunted us down like dogs… because that makes total sense.”

Wolverine, everyone’s favorite X-Man, has had three solo movies. The first and the third have been complete bullshit. The second, however, is one of my favorite comic book movies of all-time. The second Wolverine is an homage to his stand alone title. It is a perfect replica. The pacing. The cinematography. This is The Wolverine. This is the comic that I collected from issue ONE. I say this all the time and I will say it here again. “If you do not respect the source material do not take on the job of bringing it to the screen.” But I was about to tell you what this awful movie Logan means for the industry.

“Awful? Well that’s just harsh. Play that Johnny Cash song again. I think I’m gonna cry.””

The first sci-fi genre was a straight space adventure. Trip To The Moon. The second was The vampire Film. Nosferatu. Since those two, we’ve had tons of space adventures and tons of takes on the vampire. These are tried and true genres that once every decade somebody tries to reinvent and breathe new life into. But also there are other types of movies that aren’t as flexible. They come and go from era to era. They disappear and have resurgences. Like the western or the gladiator movie. These are just types of movies not genres. (in this context anyway. Because words can be tricky)

“I will kill you all with my Star Wars Prequel Yoda-like, physics defying, aerial acrobatics because I am a cartoon character in a serious movie!!! ARRRGH!!!”

In the past, the superhero movie was a type. (type vs genre) It was a costumed adventure. Fight the bad guy. Save the girl. Save the world. Period. End of story. There were a few comedy bits thrown in but mostly it was the superhero’s tale. But these types of movies are coming to an end. Their time has passed. Logan is not a comic book movie. It just happens to star a character from a comic book. And that is awesome. (Even while the movie Logan is not that awesome).

“Say my movie is bad one more time. I dare you… Bub.” *snikt

Logan is not a western either, by the way. I read that somewhere. I disagree whole-heartedly. It thinks it’s a western, but it’s not. If anything it’s a post-apocalyptic survival story like Mad Max: Fury Road. But instead of a global apocalypse, Logan is about the mutant apocalypse. The chase to hunt down the last mutants. At the start of this movie all but three mutants are dead. Professor X, Callaban and Wolverine. By the end of this movie… no spoilers but everywhere you look people are saying this is the last Wolverine movie. This is the last Wolverine movie. So you figure it out. And don’t talk to me about the kids. They were made in a lab (*see note). So not a natural mutation. Logan, the end of the Wolverine franchise, is some dark stuff.

*note: Wolverine’s adamantium skeleton was added in a lab but his mutation, his healing factor (Deadpool has the same thing but that too is from a lab) and Wolverine’s heightened senses (smell mostly) are a natural mutation. Of course the movie Logan all but ignores his sense of smell. It’s almost like the writers never read the comic books… but anyway. What was I saying? Oh yes.

“Wolverine, would you please tell Mel to stay on topic.” “He doesn’t listen to me, Professor.”

The comic book superhero is officially a film genre and not a type of movie now. And I know I’m not using the right words but bear with me. Because the word genre can fit for both of these categories of things and it gets confusing. The way I’m differentiating here is in the ways they can be presented. Some film types are the same no matter what. Different plot. Different characters. But you know the beats. Romantic Comedy. You get the gist. International Spy Thriller. You know what you’re going to get. Gladiator films changed from Roman to Martial Arts but they generally stayed the same. The Comic Book Movie was just like that not too long ago. Dark or Light. Marvel or DC. Nolan’s Batman, Donner’s Superman, Whedon’s Avengers and Raimi’s Spiderman are all the same fucking films. Like the western. It was a box. You could throw whatever superhero you wanted into it and the beats would always be generally the same. I’m not saying they are all the same quality because they are not. And there’s nothing wrong with opening up a box, knowing what you’re going to get and still being pleasantly surprised. It’s hard to like movies unless you’re okay with that.

“Wait… Are you the vampire, Callaban? And does that make me the Zombie? I don’t get it.”

But then you have the full on classic genre that’s not beholding to any style. Vampires. Are probably the best example. There are no rules. You can have a space opera with vampires. You can have a rom com with vampires or a western. Most recently Zombies have become the go to for putting them wherever the fuck you want. If you made a section of vampire movies it would make no sense. There would actually be more types of movies than you could shake a stick at under the vampire genre. Comic book superheroes are now officially crossing into that zone. And I’m psyched. The R rated comic book film with no crime to fight, no world to save… fuck yeah.

“Did somebody call for a super-villain? That isn’t really super or necessarily a villain. Just a misguided corporate stooge who blindly follows orders. Did somebody call for a misguided corporate stooge who blindly follows orders?”

And again I’m talking Sherlock Holmes in space type shit. Not just some detective. I’m talking about recognizable comic book superheroes in all kinds of movie boxes. Not just some generic superhero they made up that’s supposed to remind us of stuff from the comics, but the name-brand heroes from the comics. It’s time for a Batman movie where he never puts on the cape. Just a detective story or a revenge tale. One of my favorite aspects of The Hulk movie (still my favorite comic book adaptation) is the romance between Liv Tyler and Ed Norton. And that’s what the Hulk was for me when I was a kid, a romance. Stop trying to make him into a superhero. He’s not a superhero. He’s a monster in love. Spider-man as a teen drama would be nice. Sure he’s still the spider-man but that’s not the movie. The movie is about a kid trying to finish high school. Stop it with the super-villains. Enough already. We get it.

“Logan, do you remember that Star Trek episode where Captain Picard has a full life and grows old in a simulated tribute to an alien species?” “No I didn’t watch that nerd crap.” “I wish that was what this was. Because this movie is depressing as fuck.”

So anyway, what Logan represents to me is the death of the comic book movie. We saw the beginnings in Winter Soldier… that’s more of a spy thriller than comic book. And Deadpool… an R rated fourth wall comedy, a parody of itself. The comic book movie as movie type, is burning itself out. There will still be tons made, because you know how it takes Hollywood a couple of decades before they get the point, but we’re already getting tired of them. Bring on the comic book heroes in regular movies. These are great classic characters. They don’t have to fight The Riddler every week. That’s just their job. It doesn’t have to also be the movie plot.

“Here Lies The Superhero Movie Genre… I mean Movie Type… May It Rest In Peace… I mean Pieces. – Hugh Jackman.”

So Logan, this mediocre, unbelievably corny and poorly written take on The Wolverine, really wasn’t that great of a movie from where I was sitting (seat L10 right behind the wheelchair section because, you know, leg room ftw). Even though Hugh Jackman is great as Wolverine, here he reminded me of Arnold Schwarzenegger coming back to play the Terminator one last time… nostalgic. And to tell the truth, I didn’t see Wolverine in Logan at all. I saw the actor who plays Wolverine and a character with claws who references the comic books like that’s enough. That’s not enough.

“Daddy?” “Yes Laura… wait. Did you just call me daddy? Damn, maybe Mel is right. This is some corny ass shit.” “I have to go to the bathroom.” “Hold it. We’re almost there.” “AARRRRGH!!” “Really? Again with the screaming?”

But what I also saw, in the theater, and on the screen, is what it means for comic book movies going forward… a whole new set of rules. The possibilities are endless. Creativity run amok. And that shit was better than the movie. That shit was beautiful.

– Mel

The Comic Book Movie is dead.

Long Live the Comic Book Genre.

5 Quick Reviews of 5 Movies on DVD (Bad Movie Edition)

So sure. I’m calling this a Bad Movie Edition of my 5 Quick Reviews series but it’s more of a Sci-fi Fantasy Edition or a Five Movies That Are Bad But You’ll Probably Still Check Them Out Edition.

The Queens

“Did you hear that, sister? Mel wants us to check them out.” “Why aren’t you dead?”

This is a strange quintet. All five films could be considered sequels or part of a series. They all have great casting. But every single one has a fatal flaw. So maybe I should have called this the Fatal Flawed Movie Edition.

Joker

“I’ll show YOU a fatal flaw.”

But to tell you the truth, I’ve been so busy, I didn’t give it much thought. I have so many reviews on my hard-drive. I’m so far behind. I didn’t even bother to give you a recrap of these movies. Recrap is my own word. It’s when you try to do a recap of a shitty movie like it was good. Recrap. So this is the phoning it in edition. Yes! That’s it. All five directors knew, going in, that they had an audience because fans of the source material were already going to see these films. So they phoned it in.

And so did I…

This is the Phoning It In Edition.

(but honestly I’m too indifferent to get up the energy to even change the title)

To the reviews…

X-Men: Apocalypse (20th Century Fox)

X-Men Apocalypse

Directed by Bryan Singer

Written by Simon Kinberg and Bryan Singer, Michael Dougherty & Dan Harris  Based on X-Men by Stan Lee & Jack Kirby

Starring James McAvoyMichael FassbenderJennifer LawrenceOscar IsaacNicholas HoultRose ByrneEvan PetersTye SheridanSophie Turner & Olivia Munn

Wow! what a bad movie. Bad writing and bad directing. There’s really nothing more I can say. A disappointing display. People knock the X-Men original series but all three are better than this piece of shit. X-Men Apocalypse is awful.

X-men Apocalypse Cerebro

Love this cast. Honestly, what a group. With the welcome addition of two of my favorite young actresses; Olivia Munn and Sophie Turner. There is nothing wrong with the cast. But that’s the only thing good here. The rest is shit.

Cyclops and Jean Grey from X-Men Apocalypse

X-Men Apocalypse is the worst X-Men movie ever made. It is horrible in every way imaginable. This stellar cast deserved a lot better than this.

Skip it.

NEXT!!!

Allegiant (Summit Entertainment)

Divergent-Allegiant-Movie-Poster

Directed by Robert Schwentke

Written by Stephen Chbosky, Bill Collage, Adam Coper & Noah Oppenheim  Based on Allegiant by Veronica Roth

Starring Shailene WoodleyTheo JamesJeff DanielsOctavia SpencerRay StevensonZoë KravitzMiles TellerAnsel ElgortMaggie QBill Skarsgård & Naomi Watts

These movies are pointless but this one has some decent tech and an interesting story. I’m guessing these are better books. Allegiant is better than the second one at least but the whole idea of factions was what made the first one just a little more interesting even though it was just as bad as the next two. Am I making any sense? It’s bad. Okay?

The-Divergent-Series-Allegiant1

I’m glad it’s over. It’s over right? Tell me it’s over. I also have a strange observation. I like the actress, Shailene Woodley, but her body grew up and her face did not. She looks like a baby head on a grown woman. The body of a thirty year old well-fit woman and the head of a toddler. It’s disconcerting.

Shailene Woodley from Alegiant

That’ll be enough out of you, Divergent Series. You’ve over-stayed your welcome.

Skip it.

NEXT!!!

Everybody Wants Some!! (Paramount Pictures)

Everybody Wants Some!!

Written & Directed by Richard Linklater

Starring Will BrittainZoey DeutchRyan GuzmanTyler HoechlinBlake JennerGlen Powell & Wyatt Russell

Everybody Wants Some!! is classic Linklater and in my book that’s just fine with me. The man is one of my cinematic heroes. An artist with entirely his own style. I love everything he does. Everybody Wants Some!! is a sort of sequel to Dazed and Confused.

Everybody Wants Some Matthew McConaughey

My big problem with Everybody Wants Some!! is one of the central jokes or themes of it. In it. About it. Whatever. Everyone… Every mother fucking person in this movie is playing Matthew McConaughey. ALL OF THEM. The women. The men. Everybody is doing a McConaughey impression. It’s funny at first then becomes a bit creepy as it continues for the entire film.

Everybody Wants Some Alright Alright Alright

Everybody Wants Some!! is an amazingly entertaining film where little to nothing happens but “Life” happens. You know… classic Linklater but I need to tell you that everyone in this thing is playing a version of Matthew McConaughey from movies or appearances throughout his life and career. That’s the joke.

Everybody Wants Some

ALL of the characters are Matthew. But I still loved this quirky piece of shit. Linklater can do no wrong. The man is a god.

Rent it.

NEXT!!!

Batman: The Killing Joke (Warner Bros. Pictures)

Batman The Killing Joke

Directed by Sam Liu

Written by Brian Azzarello  Based on Batman: The Killing Joke by Brian Bolland and Alan Moore

Starring Kevin ConroyMark HamillTara Strong & Ray Wise

ATTENTION: IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION AND I SPOIL THIS MOVIE AND THE COMIC BOOK TERRIBLY IN THIS QUICK REVIEW.

IF YOU DON’T WANT TO SPOIL THIS FILM OR DON’T KNOW THE STORY OF THE COMIC THEN DON’T READ THIS REVIEW.

SPOILER ALERT!!!

This is a mistake. You can’t screw up a great story like this. I know it’s a little too dark for the animated world but it’s the whole point of the story. Batman finally realizes that it’s pointless. Joker’s too dangerous to lock up. Too unpredictable to leave in Arkham Asylum. Too smart to underestimate. And too sadistic to let live. He paralyzes poor Barbara just for shits and giggles, so Batman kills him. Batman kills Joker. He breaks his neck at the end. You don’t have to agree with Batman’s decision but don’t change the story. Then it’s not the same story and you just piss me off.

batman-the-killing-joke-batgirl

The ending is not ambiguous in the comic book. No matter how uncomfortable it makes you because Batman kills someone, it is a great story. The only thing uncomfortable about the animated adaptation is that Batgirl sleeps with her boss. It’s kind of weird.

Barbara and her gay friend in Killing Joke

Batman: The Killing Joke is just that… a joke; They could have really told a dark and powerful Batman story but they didn’t and it kills me. And yeah the whole first part with Barbara Gordon and her awkward relationship with The Dark Knight is strange at best but I was thinking they were adding an extra layer to the final joke. Nope. She’s annoying. Her gay best friend is annoying. And it doesn’t change the fact that they wimp out in the end.

The-Killing-Joke

I’m watching that first part thinking okay this is good they’re making it more personal so they can justify the final act. But no. But no such luck. But go ahead and rent it anyway. It’s a wonderful story after the initial 30 minutes of Bat-Girlyness are over.

Rent it.

and Lastly…

The Huntsman Winter’s War (Universal Pictures)

Huntsman-Winters-War-poster

Directed by Cedric Nicolas-Troyan

Written by Evan Spiliotopoulos & Craig Mazin  Based on Characters by Evan DaughertyThe Snow Queen by Hans Christian AndersenSnow White by The Brothers Grimm

Starring Chris HemsworthCharlize TheronEmily BluntNick FrostSam ClaflinRob Brydon & Jessica Chastain and Narrated by Liam Neeson

I think I liked the first movie. I didn’t like this one very much. It plods along awkwardly. It starts off as a prequel and then suddenly turns into a sequel. It’s almost like they want you to pause the film and watch the first one because it’s easy to get lost and they just jump over the events of the first Huntsman movie and if you don’t remember it you can get a bit lost. I got a little lost but it’s gorgeous to look at.

The Huntsman Winter's War

I liked the story of Winter’s War, even the true-love elements which can seem a little corny. Like a romantic fairy-tale and that’s the point. So I don’t blame the story for the movie being bad. I blame the direction. Instead of playing up the fairy-tale elements, thus making the true-love theme fit the movie, the director plays up the epic quest a little too much and it feels like the romance is weirdly out-of-place.

The Lovers The Huntsman Winter's War

Winter’s War is a tough movie to like. But I did like the story. I just thought it was badly directed. I guess it’s worth a look. But in my opinion, the first one, with Snow White, is way better. Though Emily Blunt and Jessica Chastain are both amazing.

Rent it.

So To Recap…

There were two movies about awkward love affairs between bad-ass warriors shoehorned into classic stories; Batman: The Killing Joke and The Huntsman Winter’s War. In one case I wanted to see a lot more of the romance, In the other, a lot less.

There were two movies about a group of awkward teens with special powers on the run from an oppressive government and a powerful enemy; Allegiant and X-Men Apocalypse. One of them a below average ending to a great series, the other, a welcome ending to a bad series.

And one movie where absolutely nothing happens in it. And it stars Matthew McConaughey; Everybody Wants Some!!. Except that a lot happens and Matthew McConaughey isn’t even in it. So yeah…

And that’s it.

I’m playing catch-up so there should be a bunch of posts in a row, if everything goes according to plan (but when has Everything been known to do that?)

Never, that’s when.

Jessica Chastain

Jessica knows what I’m talking about.

Wish me luck.

– Mel

Deadpool Trailer (the good one)

First. Never been a fan of Deadpool. He breaks the fourth wall too much and I only find that funny in moderation. Also… OP much? But this looks brutal. I guess it has to be, in order for us to feel any sense jeopardy for the star. He’s indestructible but he can still get his ass kicked.

They put out two trailers. One censored and one not. Obviously this is not the fucking censored version. This is the one with the brutality and the cursing.

Why would you even cut the other one?

Things I noticed: They can change Ryan Reynolds jokes at anytime before release because his mouth is covered, which is a good thing. They can see which jokes work and which ones don’t, so this is probably going to be really funny.

Colossus looks kind of weird and not metallic at all, but whatevs he’s a difficult X-Men to reproduce on-screen.

And the February release means they don’t have to make this a crowd-pleaser but just try to make a good dramatic movie. Some of my favorite superhero flicks have been late Winter/ early Spring releases.

Summer movies have to be slick and spectacular. Christmas has to be fun for the family. But the early year supes are usually more dramatic and more, I don’t know, adult. Even Fall has to be watered down. So the perfect release window to let Deadpool be Deadpool is this one. This is when Winter Soldier and First Class came out and those are two of my favorites.

I think this movie is going to be surprisingly good.

– Mel

X-Men: Apocalypse Trailer

I loved the original X-Men series up until the point when Bryan Singer handed the reins to that creepy dude (Ratner Ratface Something). And I really enjoyed the reboot although I liked the first movie, X-Men: First Class, directed by Matthew Vaughn, a lot better than X-Men :Days of Future Past, directed by Singer.

This one sees Bryan Singer back in the director’s chair.

It’s not that great of a trailer. And frankly it doesn’t have enough Olivia Munn for my liking. But can you truly ever have enough Olivia Munn? Maybe not.

And I think the last shot is pretty fucking cheesy.

But I’m still excited.

Not the best trailer, but it’s early. And the Memorial Day release is always a good sign. Usually a sign they think they have a hit. (I think the last two were Spring releases)

It’s good to see Quicksilver back though. (At least the X-Men’s Quicksilver or Fox’s Quicksilver, if not the Avenger’s Quicksilver or Disney’s Quicksilver or Marvel’s but aren’t they both Marvel’s… anyway one of them had to die… there can be only one)

It’s an early trailer. Nothing spectacular. Cheesy reveal at the end. Not enough Munn.

Still looking forward to seeing these characters again. Great casting. New Storm. New Jean Grey. Oscar Isaac as Apocalypse. Olivia… (okay yes I have a big crush on Olivia Munn dating back to AOTS. I was there from the beginning. Don’t judge me)

X-Men Apocalypse

X-Men was my favorite comic growing up. So I’m always excited for a new film.

Bring it.

-Mel