The Cloud Gutter

Rain

It rained. It poured. But I don’t have to explain rain to you people. We’re all adults here. You know rain. Everybody knows rain. Rain is like taking a shower with your clothes on. It’s like taking a shower outside… with your clothes on. And you can’t control the temperature either. It’s like taking a shower, wearing clothes, with absolutely no control over the temperature of the water. But you guys already knew that.

And this wasn’t strictly rain. It was a deluge. It was something so thick. So fat. So fast. So hard. Coming so hard. If I had looked up toward the sky I would have drowned in it. I would have drowned. It was like being under water. Sheets and buckets. But still… I wasn’t going to let it stop me. Driving. It made me heavy. It made me slick. It made me slide. It made me slow… and yes… it made me wet. But I was not… going to let it stop me.

I was going. You guys don’t know her. But every time I walked by a store, an awning, a warm dry heaven, it made me think of her. Without a drop of rain on her. My little oasis from the downpour. But each one mocked me. I could stop a while. Stop. Get out of the rain stop. Every single one of them begging me to stop. Do I even have sense enough to get out of the driving rain? Where the fuck is my brain at? Stop the pounding of the rain on my neck, my back, my legs. Rain raining running rivers down my neck, my back, my legs. Head heading head down as I moved forward. Driving ever forward. All neck. All back. All legs. All heart.

And nope. Before you ask me, I didn’t have an umbrella or a raincoat. I forgot it. I’m such a dope. But I was in a hurry… so, don’t worry. I didn’t even feel it… until I got to the first corner of the course, on the avenue, beyond the trees on my block. Coming around that first corner. Just a straight shot between my block and hers. My block to hers. I could feel the rain. But by then it was too late. I was already 1/20th of the way there. That’s practically half way. It was too late to turn back. Honestly. I’m just a man. And I was going

Not the first man. Not all men. Only a single man. And I, and him. And me, and all of our fathers before that could go twenty blocks in the rain for love. No problem. And no. Get your minds out of the cloud gutter. I wasn’t talking about THAT kind of love. I was talking about physical love. Fucking. You guys don’t know her. We’ve hung out a little but we never you know. How little you know. And we were going to do this thing you know… this fun thing. Go to this thing. Out to this thing. Hang out at this thing. But then it started raining and stuff. And I mean, it started pouring and stuff. And She had to cancel on me and stuff. But we were in too deep… and stuff.

And it was fair to say that I was in too deep with her. And I liked her. I really liked her. And we had made plans. Most people would call that bad luck. Too bad you had to pull out on your plans. But… but we HAD made plans right? Imminent. Fucking. Plans. Am I wrong?

So she cancelled. She called it.

She called it in the best possible way. She said six little words. As beautiful as the rain is. I could imagine her face in the rain as the rain rained down on her imaginary face saying those six beautiful words.

She said, “Why don’t you just come over.” So I came.

And it rained. It poured. But I don’t have to explain rain to you people. We’re all adults here. And no. I don’t mean that kind of rain. Get your minds out of the cloud gutter.

– Mel

Top Ten Bisexual TV Characters

The TV mega post has taken a turn for the difficult (I hate sitcoms). So instead of wracking my brain to come up with sitcoms (that are still on the air… R.I.P. Community gone too soon), here’s the list I promised you guys after the first installment.

My top ten favorite bisexual TV characters.

The rules are simple.

1) The character should be seen having sex with both men and women on the show (or at least it’s strongly implied).

2) I have to like the show they’re on. and

3) The character has to be sexy.

To the list…

THE SUPERNATURAL MONSTERS

Sex with these two just might kill you, but oh what a beautiful death.

Eric Northman (The Vampire) from True Blood (HBO)

Eric Northman

Sexy Eric

On a show with no shortage of bisexual characters (I like to call it bisexual softcore splatter porn… but that’s just me), Eric Northman’s insatiable lust for sex is only matched by his thirst for blood. A fan favorite from the first season, his character has evolved from being a sexy bad guy to being a sexy good guy to being a sexy badass.

Eric Northman 2

Bloody Eric

He shows up a lot on my blog so needless to say… I want to do bad things with him.

Bo Dennis (The Succubus) from Lost Girl (SyFy)

Bo Dennis and Lauren

Bo on top

This is Bo Dennis (the one on top).

Bo Dennis and Dyson

And here she is on the bottom

Bo has to be careful not to drain all the energy from her lovers. It would kill them. She’s a badass succubus. She uses sexual energy to survive and to heal. She’s the star of the fantastic Canadian show Lost Girl. She leaves a trail of bodies behind her.

Bo

She’s so freaking sexy, the queue to be her next victim circles around the block.

Next up…

THE DRAMATIC BAD-BOYS

These two powerful, sexy and well-dressed bad-boys are not to be fucked with.

Nolan Ross (The Hacker) from Revenge (ABC)

Emily (Amanda) and Nolan

Nolan Ross, best friend of Amanda…. Emily… um Amanda,  is a tech genius and master of disguise, who may not intimidate physically but will fuck your shit up with a computer.

Nolan and his boyfriend

Nolan and his boyfriend

He likes boys.

Nolan and his girlfriend

Nolan and his girlfriend

He likes girls.

Nolan in Disguise

Nolan in Disguise

He likes disguises. Nolan is cool. Nolan is sexy.

Frank Underwood (The Powerbroker) from House of Cards (Netflix)

Frank Underwood is an elected official with a thirst for power on the Netflix series House of Cards. No spoilers. No spoilers. Some people still haven’t gotten around to it..

Frank Underwood

“You’d better not spoil a thing.”

But I have to spoil this one little thing in order to justify putting him on this list…

Frank loves his wife.

Frank loves his wife.

Frank loves his wife.

Frank loves his bodyguard

Frank loves his bodyguard

Frank loves his bodyguard.

Frank loves Zoe

Frank loves Zoe

But most of all… Frank loves power. Frank is evil. Frank is sexy.

Next up…

THE SCI-FI HOTTIES

These two hotties will screw anything that moves. Just don’t fall in love.

Oberyn Martell (The Prince) from Game of Thrones (HBO)

Prince Oberyn and Tyrion

Prince Oberyn Martell is a well-dressed renown fighter from the HBO show Game of Thrones. He sauntered his well-dressed ass onto the screen in season four and quickly became a fan favorite for his fighting skills, badassness, and sexual appetite.

Oberyn

“Take off your clothes.”

He likes it all.

Oberyn and Ellaria

Oberyn and Ellaria and a whore (she is not timid)

And so does his lady, Ellaria Sand. They were the sexiest bisexual couple in Westeros. Quite possibly on TV (depending on who Eric Northman is banging). I hate to see him go.

Jack Harkness (The Captain) from Doctor Who & Torchwood (BBC)

Jack likes humans and non-humans alike

“Are you female or male? Oh who cares. Let’s fuck.”

Captain Jack became a fan favorite when he first appeared on the BBC hit Doctor Who and quickly earned a spin-off show called Torchwood. He won us over with his gorgeous smile and his cool-as-hell overcoat. His flirty bravado and his swashbuckling style.

Captain Jack is hot

Captain Jack is hot

Captain Jack is hot.

Jack and Ianto

Jack and Ianto… (heart breaking).

Captain Jack was real hot. But unfortunately Torchwood didn’t last. I hated to see him go.

Next up..

THE PRISON BITCHES

These women leave a path of sexual and physical destruction wherever they go.

Nancy Botwin (The Dealer) from Weeds (SHO)

Nancy Botwin

Nancy sells that MILF weed.

Nancy Botwin is the main character of the Showtime comedy Weeds. A sexy mother of three who manipulates men and women alike with her sexuality and love of danger. She starts off as a minor weed dealer and quickly builds a drug empire, leaving broken hearts and broken bodies in her wake. She’s bad to the bone and sexy to the core.

Nancy behind bars

Nancy behind bars

I can’t officially call her bisexual but she did have a prison fling. So, she makes the list for her sexy time behind bars. The opposite to her exception being next on the list.

Piper Chapman (The Smuggler)  from Orange is the New Black (Netflix)

Piper Chapman

Piper behind bars

Piper Chapman is the main character in the Netflix comedy Orange is the New Black. A sexy bride-to-be who goes to prison for an old drug smuggling charge. She is also manipulative and gets her way with a carefully placed flirty smile.

Piper behind bars

Still behind bars

There has been only one season. So I don’t know if Piper is a lesbian who was in denial for a little bit or bisexual. However she’s slept with men on the show and she’s slept with women on the show, so that qualifies her for this list.

Piper  and Alex

Piper and Alex

Like Nancy, I’m going to call her bisexual. It’s more fun that way.

THE EVIL ALIENS

These women will fuck you, kill you or both. They just haven’t decided yet.

Number Six (The Cylon) from Battlestar Galactica (SyFy)

Number Six

“Baltar. I want to have a three-way with D’anna.” “Oh. Alright. You’ve convinced me.”

Number Six is a Cylon from the space opera Battlestar Galactica. One of the first Cylons to show themselves to the enemy. She was deep undercover (in more ways than one).

Number Six and Baltar

“Would you destroy the world for me?” “You’re damn right I would… oh you’re serious.”

Not actually one single character, Cylon model Number Six are the ultimate femme fatale. Sexy assassin. terrorist. spy and temptress, they don’t know why they love sex so much. They just do. Sex with men, women. And sex with other Cylons.

Mirror Kira Nerys (The intendant) from Deep Space Nine (Synd)

Kira Nerys

Major Kira Nerys

Kira Nerys is a major on Deep Space Nine. A Bajoran, a badass but not evil. However in the mirror universe (bare with me. it’s a Star Trek thing), Kira Nerys was the Intendant of Terak Nor Station (DS9). A Bajoran, a badass, a bisexual and completely bad to the bone.

Kira Nerys kiss

Mirror Kira Nerys

Mirror Universe Star Trek is the best because all the characters are so much sexier.

And that’s ten bisexual characters… but wait there’s more. I also have two sexy fan fiction (and fan art) favorites to add… because I can.

THE FAN FICTION FAVES

Seven of Nine (The Borg) from Star Trek Voyager (UPN)

Seven of Nine

“I am… what the Borg would call… Very hot.”

Seven of Nine is a liberated Borg drone from Star Trek Voyager. She joined the Voyager crew and quickly became a fan favorite. She had romances with male crew members but the sexual tension between her and Janeway was palpable and inspired tons of fan fiction.

Seven and Janeway

“Seven, can I see you in my ready room?” “Are you ready for me, captain?”

And I’m inclined to agree.

Princess Xena (The Warrior) from Xena: Warrior Princess (Synd)

Xena

Xena with a sword.

Xena was a character from Hercules (and her own show) who may have been a demigod but was definitely a badass. She had romances with gods and demigods alike but her relationship with Gabrielle was understood by most fans of the show as more than just friends and it also inspired tons of sexy fan fiction.

Xena and Gabrielle

“We’re not about to kiss, Gabby.” “Oh yes we are.” “No we’re not.” ” Yes we are.”

Okay, now that’s twelve. Which is quite enough bisexual for one post. One for every month of the year (or hours on a clock if you’re a fast worker). This was a fun list to compile and I hope you liked it.

I didn’t include Sherlock because it was never confirmed that he liked men. He has sex with women on the show and in the beginning they assumed he was gay but they were mistaken and the John Watson / Sherlock Holmes (JohnLock) fan fiction is just wrong.

See you guys next time,

– Mel

What She Said

What she said
Was said to hurt me
But it didn’t
Much as hurt
As make me sad

It would have hurt me more
If the words were fat and ugly
And that doesn’t hurt me at all
(well maybe a little)
Hell no

It would have hurt me more
If the words were small and inadequate
And that wouldn’t hurt me
Even if it’s true
(It’s not true right?)
Hell no

Know
What she said
Said more about her
Than what she thought of me
no?

Know
What she said
Said more about how she was raised
Than how my ego would be felled
no?

no
no
Know what’s coming out
Of your fucking mouth
Before it opens
(sorry)
And we all know what she said

She said
She didn’t know history
She said
She didn’t respect culture
She said
She didn’t understand this country’s violent past
Or its struggles with equality
She said

She said she didn’t know me at all
She didn’t respect me at all
Not my family
My friends
My heroes
My heroes

My heroes
Who died cold and alone at the bottom
Who died flayed and exposed in fields
Flaming
From ropes
Flaming
Out on corners
Flaming in their cells
Flaming in their bodies
Flaming throughout history
She said

She said it all
With just two words

And it surprised
The fuck out of me
Because I didn’t know
What I’d not known for years
Didn’t know
She had
Those words
In her arsenal

And it only hurt me
Because she thought it would hurt me
Like it was some kind of insult
To me

And it only hurt me
Because she used them to hurt me
Like they were some sort of WMD

I’ve heard the words
I’ve said the words
I’ve written the words
And hated the words
Words that mean
Many different things
To many different people

Sometimes said in jest
Sometimes said in sex
But mostly said in anger
Followed by violence and death
Yet the way she said them
Only made me sad

Because it meant I didn’t know her
And she thought we weren’t equals
And she probably was a bigot
Even though she liked to fuck me
Now and then I think about it
And it makes me want to vomit
’cause she thought I’d be embarrassed
Maybe even get me angry
And her friends would say we told you
Not to get involved with faggots
’cause they’re mostly good for nothing
‘cept for fucking and for shopping
And her ex would say I told you
Not to get involved with niggers
’cause they’re mostly good for nothing
‘cept for fucking and for dancing
Then the screeching of my mother
In my mind just like a banshee
Saying something about whitey
Even worse about my gender

and
I
can not
hear her
shit
right
now!

What she said
Simply
Was that I’d lost a friend

She said I’d lost a friend

She said there is no way we two could be friends
And she said it
With just two words

– Mel

It is not okay…

date-rape

It is not okay.

I was watching four women I respect talk about romance books in what they call The Vaginal Fantasy Book Club. I have been a fan of, and am a fan of, all of them. And I enjoy listening to them talk about books I will probably never read. I even feel like it helps me with my writing. The conversation they were having morphed into a mini discussion about rapey sex in novels.

One of the men in the book they were discussing started to have sex with a woman while she was sleeping.

That’s not okay.

Then they talked about times when it is okay: Like if she’d said so before hand. If you’ve been together a long time, And you know her well enough to know that she wouldn’t be bothered by it. But never if he doesn’t know her and she didn’t say it’s okay. Never.

I absolutely agreed. Most rapists are someone the person knows. It’s an epidemic that needs to be eradicated from the earth.

Then from out of nowhere one of the women says, “…unless it’s a guy. Guys like that stuff.” And they all agreed. I think they laughed.

what???

So it’s okay to rape a guy because guys like sex?

If he wanted to fuck you (and you wanted to fuck him), he would have done so before he went to sleep.

Men are not just fuck machines and women are not just sex objects. And I say this knowing that I have sexually objectified women (and men) probably every single day of my life. I’m not proud of it. I like sex… when it’s consensual.

If we know each other well, that’s one thing. Obviously if I said it’s okay then it’s okay but if we have never had sex before, didn’t even start out in the same bed, it is not okay for a woman, no matter how “hot” she is, to climb aboard my night wood.

(On a side note, Climb Aboard My Night Wood would make a good title… for something… but I digress)

Book Club

So, I think this bothered me because I’ve been raped before (twice actually… once by a man [which is not the way I’m talking about] and once) by a woman.

We started off in separate rooms (she was my friend’s girlfriend) and while I was sleeping, she decided to “Climb Aboard My Night Wood.” She didn’t even bother to put a condom on me. Freaked me the fuck out. And you know if I would have come (I didn’t) and she had gotten pregnant (she didn’t) I know she would have had the kid (She was Catholic) and the state would have made me pay for this crazy woman’s baby. (But that’s a completely different conversation altogether though)

It is not okay, is what I’m trying to say now.

If me and this girl have never had sex. (I don’t care if she thinks I want it) And if I’m not expecting it. (I don’t care if we were flirting all night). And, in this case, I don’t care if I was homeless and needed a place to stay, she had better be wearing a helmet on her head, if she thinks it’s okay to climb aboard my night wood.

Because I woke up and, like I said, I freaked out. I was only inside her for a second or two (that’s still rape and still long enough for me to have impregnated her or gotten an STD) but I knocked her off me violently and forcefully.

Rainn Wilson

Not funny Rainn.

But I’m the one who apologized, because in her mind, and I guess in the book club’s mind, all guys want it and I’m the one with the erection. I would not have had sex with my friend’s girl. I would not have had sex with HER. And I would not have had sex without a condom. (But I also apologized because I was the one in need of a place to sleep and I had knocked her to the floor).

But, what I’m trying to say is, an erection is not an invitation, especially if you haven’t already been sleeping with the person.

Having an erection can mean a lot of things and only one of them is “I want to have sex with you.” The same qualifiers apply for men that you made for women.

So, guys, I love your podcast and I still respect each and every one of you. I follow you on social media. Take your suggestions for TV and movies and games and books with weight. But this is an ignorance you need to correct. You think it’s okay to rape a guy because guys like sex.

It is not okay.

The Noose

But before I hang myself here, I want to say that I am not in any way comparing this to violent rape. I was twice her size and easily pushed her off of me, when I woke up. (when I was raped by a man I was half his size and not able to get him off of me and only one of these people do I fantasize about killing… okay now I’m crying) But they are both rape.

And it is not okay.

It is not okay to say it.

And it is not okay to think it.

I’m probably too much of a coward to e-mail this to any of you. So I’m just going to post it to my blog. Maybe it will help someone. And like I said, I’m a big fan. But it upset me. I expected better. Felicia, Veronica, Kiala, Bonnie. I expected better.

– Mel

Personal Foul

Two minute warning.
Down & distance?
False start.
Holding?
Offsides.
Hands to the face?
Illegal use of hands.
Pass interference!?
The ruling on the field stands.
Roughing the passer!
Unsportsmanlike conduct!!
Intentional grounding!!!
ENCROACHMENT!!!!
…unnecessary roughness.
The play is under review.
Holding?
The call has been reversed.
In the grasp.
Unabated to the Quarterback…
Touchdown!
…time out
Field Goal??
Personal foul.