Fish Eye Lens (Homestar Runner Strong Bad Rap Song Video)

This video makes me very happy.

It also makes me go… waughmp waughmp.

– Mel


What The Hell Happened to the Sitcom? (Top Ten TV Mega Post 5/10)

It’s been a while since I checked in with my TV mega post.

To recap…

Part One was New Shows, Part Two was The Imports, Part Three was Cable Comedies and Cartoons, Part Four was Premium Comedies. and now…

Part Five of the TV Mega Post is a list of Broadcast Network Sitcoms.

Everyone hates sitcoms. But also everyone secretly loves sitcoms. And I secretly love and hate sitcoms as well. Because, like most kids of my generation, I grew up sitting in front of a B&W TV watching sitcom after sitcom until I could recite every line. The Honeymooners, The Dick van Dyke Show and The Little Rascals reruns were an essential part of the television landscape when there were only seven TV channels and no cable and no internet and no Mel Rook and the 7 Deadly Sins. And I knew every line from every episode.

Ralph and Alice Kramden

“What do ya think of that, Ralph?” “Oh. He’s a regular wise guy. This one.”

And then one day they let the color bleed in with: One Day at a Time, All in the Family, Good Times, The Jeffersons, Maude, Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley and M.A.S.H..

And then the color bled back out again (so to speak) with shows like: Full House, Family Ties, Cheers, Friends and Seinfeld.


“It’s not like we didn’t know any black people. It’s just… that… all the black people we knew hated us or didn’t like coffee as much as we did.”

Sitcoms are the best and the worse of TV in one embarrassment filled half hour. You’re embarrassed watching. You’re embarrassed for the characters. And the characters are embarrassed for being in this week’s predicament. It’s comedy based on embarrassment. And that’s why so many people can’t even watch them. It makes them blush. It makes them cringe. Sitcoms make you cringe with one miscommunication after another.

You just want to yell, “FREEZE! Everybody Freeze!” And then climb into that oversized apartment and grab the two main characters and let them know that ONE THING that they desperately need to know about the other one. You know. That one piece of info that would solve ALL of this week’s problems.


“Oh, he’s gonna let them have it now.”

AND NOW YOU BOTH KNOW! “He’s been a girl the whole time. He’s been in love with you the whole time. She’s your sister. She’s your boss. You’re both rich. You’re both broke. You’re both black. The cake is a lie. Soylent Green is people.” NOW YOU BOTH KNOW. Show’s over. Everybody go home. Studio audience can go home. Pack it up people. We solved the whole damn thing with simple communication.

But the question remains: What the hell happened to the sitcom format?

Well, I’ll tell you… They forgot about their live-in-front-of-a-studio-audience roots. They forgot about Jackie Gleason. Who would flub a line live like saying “I’m uh scared” instead of ‘I’m scared’ and then spend the next five minutes saying it wrong on purpose while the audience laughed their asses off. Where’s the spontaneity in canned laughter?

live studio audience

“In answer to your question… once again. No, I am not Tyler Perry. Does anyone have a non Tyler Perry related question?”

They forgot about Norman Lear. Who made the sitcom a true social commentary that the entire world would talk about the next day around the water cooler or the lunch table. There used to be more drama in a network sitcom than on the network dramas.

They would talk about Politics, Pregnancy, Rape, Racism and anything that was in the news. Hell, they used to MAKE the news.

Sammy Davis and Archie Bunker

The first interracial same-sex kiss on national television. Believe it or not even this was scandalous… because right after this kiss Archie Bunker started the Tea Party.

They forgot how to let a show evolve. They’re much too quick to pull something off the air that they don’t understand or that makes them uncomfortable. Because of some executive who can’t answer his child’s questions about homosexuality, drugs or black people.

“Daddy, what are black people?” 

“Look it up on Google, son.”

They forgot that the sitcom is an art form.

Married with Children

“Did that fool just call us an art form? Straighten up kids and try to look like art.”

So, screw this list. They cancelled three of the shows on my original list, anyway… while I was compiling it. (Goodbye Community) Here, instead, are fifteen shows that I loved. Five classics that invented or perfected their sitcom style, five recent shows that have kept it up and five more that were cancelled much too soon.

You’ll get the picture. Just adjust your rabbit ears. The following blog post was filmed before a live studio audience.

To the list…

Make Room for Mommy, Daddy and Baby Too

The Family Sitcom was one of the earliest sitcom styles. For most episodes there was only one set. Usually a living room or a kitchen, and every story in the neighborhood would trample through one door, drop the comedy and exit through another. The list includes The Cosby Show, Family Ties, Married with Children and All in the Family.

My three favorites (one classic, one recent and one short-lived) feature the hottest mother/daughter combos in TV history starting with this 70’s single mom sitcom.

One Day at a Time (CBS)

One Day at a Time

“Help us. We’ve become slaves to that creepy mustache.”

Developed by Norman Lear

Starring Bonnie FranklinMackenzie PhillipsRichard MasurValerie Bertinelli & Pat Harrington

209 episodes

I loved this show. And I was in love with Valerie Bertinelli (like the rest of America). But the character of Schneider (the handyman) was the creepiest character in television history. All single mom’s were warned to watch out for a handyman with a 70’s porn stache. Did you know the character of Schneider was supposed to be sexy? He wasn’t.


Modern Family (ABC)

Modern Family

Created by Christopher Lloyd & Steven Levitan

Starring Ed O’NeillSofía VergaraJulie BowenTy BurrellJesse Tyler FergusonEric StonestreetSarah HylandAriel WinterNolan GouldRico Rodriguez & Aubrey Anderson-Emmons

120 episodes and counting

With brilliant writing, casting and acting, from the veteran Ed O’Neill down to the youngest child, Modern Family is the best sitcom on network TV with the best cast. And the hottest mother/daughter combo with Julie Bowen and Sarah Hyland.

Modern Family cast at 2012 Emmys

“Another Emmy. You shouldn’t have. Put it with the others.”


Grounded for Life (FOX, The WB)


“Look like we’re having fun maybe we won’t get cancelled.”

Created by Bill Martin & Mike Schiff

Starring Donal LogueMegyn PriceKevin CorriganLynsey BartilsonGriffin FrazenJake BurbageBret Harrison & Richard Riehle

91 episodes

FOX cancelled this Irish-Catholic New York family sitcom after two and a half seasons. The WB picked it up and then did the same. It deserved better. Megyn Price and Lynsey Bartilson made a hot mother/daughter combo themselves.


“What network are we on? It doesn’t matter they’re just gonna cancel us too.”

Time to go to work…

Down at the Office Some Funny Shit Happened

The workplace sitcom didn’t really catch on until women were accepted in the office. Nobody wanted a half hour of just dudes in suits making deals. So the first really popular ones were about women going to work. And there were a lot of great ones like The Dick van Dyke Show, M.A.S.H., Cheers, Murphy Brown, The Mary Tyler Moore Show etc.

But my three favorite workplace comedies all involved superstar casts working in broadcast media with a dynamic duo at the helm. Starting with this wonderfully star-studded radio news show.

NewsRadio (NBC)


Created by Paul Simms

Starring Dave FoleyStephen RootAndy DickJoe RoganMaura TierneyVicki LewisKhandi AlexanderPhil Hartman & Jon Lovitz

97 episodes

Newsradio was one of the funniest workplace sitcoms with an amazing cast, including the brilliant Phil Hartman (the Ted Knight of his era… still miss you Phil), a young Andy Dick, Stephen Root, Dave Foley and Joe Rogan. I loved it so much.

Joe Rogan

“What did you say your name was again?”


30 Rock (NBC)

30 Rock

Created by Tina Fey

Starring Tina Fey, Alec BaldwinTracy MorganJane KrakowskiJack McBrayerScott AdsitJudah Friedlander & Katrina Bowden

138 episodes

There was Hepburn & Tracy (Adam’s Rib, Woman of the Year), before that Colbert & Gable (It Happened One Night), and before that Loy & Powell (The Thin Man) and then there was the great Fey & Baldwin.

Fey and Baldwin

“It’s almost over, Alec. Then I can go on to make movies and you can go on to yelling homophobic slurs at paparazzi. Our new lives have just begun.”

These two were so good together it was so much fun to watch them play off each other. And they never ruined it with a dopey romance. 30 Rock delivered madcap fast paced dialogue and witty repartee like hasn’t been seen on television. And then they had the gall to do it all live in front of America… twice. Damn good show. I’m going to miss it.


Sports Night (ABC)Sports Night

Created by Aaron Sorkin

Starring Josh CharlesPeter KrauseFelicity HuffmanJoshua MalinaSabrina Lloyd & Robert Guillaume

45 episodes

There was Aaron Sorkin’s fantastic quick and witty writing but there was also this amazing cast, led beautifully by the versatile Felicity Huffman and anchored by the great Robert Guillaume, that made Sports Night so damn good that I still miss it.

Guillaume and Huffman

“It’s been years. Is he ever gonna get over this damn show?”

Bring back Sports Night.

And now a word from our friends and neighbors…

A Bunch of Friends Sitting Around Talking 

Young people sharing their first apartment or going to school together or just having adventures together is our next format. A hybrid of the family and workplace sitcoms because it split time between where they lived and where they worked, went to school or just hung out. (bar, coffee shop, restaurant). The basic formula is this: two hot girls, one funny one and three non-threatening dudes. The best of this format came in the 90’s with Friends or Seinfeld and continued with Big Bang Theory

But my favorite friends sitcoms (one classic, one recent and one short-lived) are these. Starting with the most risqué sitcom of the 70’s that starred the late great John Ritter.

Three’s Company (ABC)

“We got the hot girls (one of them funny) but I guess I’ll have to be all three non-threatening dudes. The older brother, the gay guy, and the ladies man with a heart of… Oh my god, I am all three!”

Based on Man About the House created by Johnnie Mortimer & Brian Cooke

Starring John RitterJoyce DeWittSuzanne SomersNorman FellAudra LindleyDon KnottsRichard KlineAnn WedgeworthJenilee Harrison & Priscilla Barnes

172 episodes

Three single roommates sharing an apartment. Two women and one guy? Think of the possibilities. John Ritter and Suzanne Somers were amazing in this show. With Joyce DeWitt stuck playing the straight man (so to speak) for the two comedy gods.

Ritter, DeWitt and Somers

“Are you John Ritter?” “Yes.” “Have you been in our shower the whole time?” “Yes.”

Ritter was the first openly gay character on a sitcom (even if he was faking it). It was more acceptable that he was gay than if he was straight living with two hot girls. Let that sink in.


How I Met Your Mother (CBS)

how I met your mother

“Two hot girls (one funny) and three non-threatening dudes… got it.”

Created by Carter Bays & Craig Thomas

Starring Josh RadnorJason SegelCobie SmuldersNeil Patrick HarrisAlyson Hannigan & Cristin Milioti

208 episodes

I loved this show. I started late, so I totally got to binge watch the first six seasons and that was legen- wait for it. I loved the story told in flashbacks and I even loved the way it ended. I thought the last season was sensational. I think they found the perfect actress to play the mother and I’m going to miss these characters immensely. -dary There I said it.

But I will really miss the prematurely cancelled but freaking hysterical…

Happy Endings (ABC)

Happy Endings

“Two hot girls. One funny… check. Are the dudes too threatening for you people?”

Created by David Caspe

Starring Eliza CoupeElisha CuthbertZachary KnightonAdam PallyDamon Wayans, Jr. & Casey Wilson

57 episodes

I’m sure the suits found a lot to complain about the hilariously funny Happy Endings. There was an interracial couple. There was an openly gay character that wasn’t effeminate. And it was actually very good and it was very funny. So their heads were exploding. I’m sure.

Casey Wilson, Adam Pally

“Wait, did he just say we got cancelled?”

They treated the show like a redheaded step-child and then finally put it out of its misery. What a talented and funny cast. And a great set of writers. Damn suits strike again… the bastards.


And now it’s time for some love…

A Loving Couple or The Two Best Friends in the World

Along the same vein of the bunch of friends sitting around talking sitcom format is the Just the Two of Us format. Either a couple, always married in the beginning if they were different sexes. Or the (not gay) best friends (seriously, we’re not gay), starting with the famous comedy duos of old. (Amos & Andy, Abbott & Costello) through the bosom buddies from perfect strangers of the 80’s (Bosom Buddies, Perfect Strangers) to the two broke girls in short skirts working at a diner. And of course their next door neighbors.

The best of these was the incomparable The Honeymooners with Jackie Gleason threatening to punch his wife (the equally funny Aubrey Meadows) each week but my personal favorite was the hilarious Lucy Ball and the dashing Dezi Arnaz in

I Love Lucy (CBS)

I Love Lucy

“You see. I take all the money and you do all the heavy lifting. That sounds fair, right?”

Written by Jess OppenheimerMadelyn DavisBob Carroll, Jr.Bob Schiller & Bob Weiskopf

Starring Lucille BallDesi ArnazVivian VanceWilliam Frawley & Keith Thibodeaux

181 episodes

The show could be boiled down into one important question? What sort of crazy-ass shit was Lucy going to get into this week. Lucille Ball is one of my comedy icons. Someone once described watching her as frightening. And I had to agree with them because you never knew what she was going to do from one moment to the next in any situation.

Lucy Ball

“Lucy. You got some ‘splaining to do.”

There’s what normal people would do. Also there’s what funny people would do and silly people. And of course what crazy people would do. THEN there was what Lucy would do. Which was all of those things combined and it just made you scream at your TV.

Chocolate Factory

“Speed up the line!”

Today people can watch Lucy and say that it’s derivative of something. That it’s Monty Python or something they saw on SNL, Tina Fey or Carol Burnett. But no… they were all doing Lucy. They were all imitating Lucille Ball; One of the funniest people to ever walk on the surface of the planet. I kid you not. And she was drop dead gorgeous as well.


2 Broke Girls (CBS)


Created by Michael Patrick King & Whitney Cummings

Starring Kat DenningsBeth BehrsGarrett MorrisJonathan KiteMatthew Moy & Jennifer Coolidge

72 episodes and counting

I like the show because it feels like something out of the “live studio audience” era. All of the jokes are for the back row or for the balcony with a strong music hit for emphasis. The cast is funny and the jokes are very jokey but still funny and except for the subject matter, it all feels like something from a bygone era.


“Why are you making that face?” “I just realized that Mel doesn’t fantasize about us separately. He wants a three-way.” “Dream on blog boy.”

I’m still a big fan of 2 Broke Girls but mostly because the two leads are so good, so funny and both really really hot. Bring back Mary Lynn Rajskub already. She was great.


Don’t Trust the B in Apt 23 (ABC)

Don't Trust the B in Apt 23

“We’ve been cancelled for over a year and look at us now… back on Mel’s blog. I told you he’s in love with me.”

Created by Nahnatchka Khan

Starring Krysten RitterDreama WalkerJames Van Der BeekLiza LapiraMichael Blaiklock & Eric André

26 episodes

I completely understand why the suits were afraid of this one. It was raunchy and it was weird. It was funny and it was sexy. It was too good for Disney. The cast was superb. Krysten Ritter (no relation) became one of my favorite people. And it also showed us a whole other side of James Van Der Beek (the man is very funny).

“We’re gonna make a movie!” “Really?” “No. We’re just fucking with you.”

James hinted at a possible movie project for the characters on his twitter feed under a pic of him and Krysten but he was probably teasing. Shut up and take my money, James.

Don't Trust the B in apt 23

“Stick close by. He’s in love with me but Mel doesn’t give a shit about you.”

Shut up and take my money.

And finally the wild and the wacky…

The Half Hour of Pure Insanity

And lastly there is my favorite network sitcom format; the half hour of pure insanity. This is the one that never lasts. The one that upsets the suits the most and makes the letter writing housewives write letters. A show that confuses the old people. Where the rules of society barely matter and it’s basically a free for all with science fiction and fantasy elements and basic zaniness. It can involve families or friends or work colleagues but there’s always a little something extra. And very few of them survive the first cut.

The best of these, in my opinion, was the fantastic

3rd Rock from the Sun (NBC)


Created by Bonnie Turner and Terry Turner

Starring John LithgowKristen JohnstonFrench StewartJoseph Gordon-LevittJane CurtinSimbi KhaliElmarie Wendel & Wayne Knight

139 episodes

This was not the family sitcom or the friends sitcom or work. It was all of them at once. They were a group of aliens pretending to be a family of humans. They weren’t a family of aliens. They were just work colleagues. And their job was to observe earth culture before a possible invasion from their home planet. This was a brilliant comedy with a stellar cast.

3rd rock from the sun

“Will I be hot when I grow up?” “Oh, Tommy. Don’t make us laugh.”

John Lithgow, Kristen Johnston, French Stewart and a young Joseph Gordon-Levitt along with the great Jane Curtain and the hilarious Wayne Knight made 3rd Rock from the Sun a fun show to watch. One of my favorite shows of all time.


Community (NBC)


Created by Dan Harmon

Starring Joel McHaleGillian JacobsDanny PudiYvette Nicole BrownAlison BrieDonald GloverKen JeongChevy Chase & Jim Rash

97 episodes

Community was the best sitcom on TV for a few years. Definitely the most creative. They wouldn’t just reference pop culture and nerd culture or movies and TV shows, they would become them. The idea that all the characters were actually just hallucinating patients with mental disorders or that they were on a TV show inside one of the character’s heads made it fun. The writing and the direction on this show was second to none.

Community mental hospital

“Why are we laughing?” “They’re out of Thorazine!” “But why is that funny?”

They did two amazing Dungeons and Dragons episodes and a few where they became cartoons or claymation. The show often changed the reality of their surroundings into these wonderful themes. The greatness of community was in the themed episodes.

Community Paintball

“I don’t want to kill you and you don’t want to be dead.”

From the amazing paintball episodes to the alternate timelines created by a roll of the dice (so many Doctor Who references), there was a lot to love about community. And that was why I loved this last season so much. Every episode had its own theme. From the savage wasteland of Lava World to the five tiered society brought on by social media run wild to the reading of Pierce’s will (what a great episode). This final season of Community was Community’s best season.

Community Lava World

“For the last time. It’s my mess and I will unclog it.” “Never!”

Community was the most creative and entertaining and thought-provokingly geeky sitcom on television. And then they cancelled it… the bastards.


And lastly the extremely short-lived and hysterically funny nine whole episodes of…

The Tick (FOX)

The Tick

Created by Ben Edlund

Starring Patrick WarburtonDavid BurkeNestor Carbonell & Liz Vassey

9 episodes

The Tick was like something out of a fever dream… and it was awesome. Ben Edlund is a genius. The live-action show was based on the cartoon version that ran from 1994-96 (one of the funniest cartoons ever. If you ask me… and you just did) The Tick, the live-action show lasted a mere nine episodes on FOX. (Say it with me people… the bastards)

The Tick cast

“Try and look cool. We’re superheroes.”

It has been described as an absurdist take on the superhero genre but it was much more than that. It was like a comic version of Watchmen. A bunch of guys playing superhero but only one of them has super powers… the indestructible Tick. It was blisteringly funny.

The Tick and Arthur

“This guy really liked our show. What a nice man.”

The Tick is brilliant and it’s funny and it is absurd and it should have been given time to breathe. I think it would have been amazing to see where they went. We haven’t had a good silly superhero adult comedy since the 1960’s Batman (with Adam West). It was time for a new one. But of course they cancelled it. (one more time) …the bastards.

And that’s ten… well actually that’s fifteen. Five classics, five recent shows and five that were gone too soon. So there. I’ve done the sitcom format more justice than it deserves.

Currently I’m enjoying New Girl, Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Parks and Recreation but who knows when the suits will get around to cancelling those… the bastards.

Next up… Talk Shows

See you guys on the couch,

– Mel

Stephen Fry – Language (Kinetic Typography)

This made me happy. And by that I mean, I happied when I viewed this. I happied all over my computer screen.

Stephen Fry has one of those voices… that makes me happy.

William Shakespeare, Oscar Wilde, Douglas Adams – kind of voices.

I may have to watch this every day.

– Mel

My World in Parts

I spend my time dissecting.
Dissecting words
Dissecting statements
Taking the things that you’ve said
And the things that I’ve said
And separating the verbs from the nouns
And the adjectives from their meanings

I spend my time dissecting.
Pulling apart books
To find the life changing chapter
The paragraph,
The word or two
You know the one I mean
Where is it?

I spend my time dissecting.
Life events
Current events
Catered affairs
Chance encounters
Is there something I could have done



Different. (I spend my time dissecting)

I spend my time dissecting
Why am I smiling?

And why is everyone laughing?

Did I miss the joke while I was too busy trying to figure out what makes it funny?


I spend my time dissecting
(that doesn’t sound quite right)
But you know what I mean
Everyone I know
Finding out
How they tick
It’s a game

I’d like you to meet microscope.

This used to be a friend of mine
From back before I started playing games

I spend my time dissecting
Every thing that enters my world

Every thing I see
Every thing I hear
Every thing I eat
Every thing that passes my lips

Deep breath
Shallow breath
Heavy sigh

I spend my time dissecting
But I haven’t found anything.

I haven’t found anything
That I didn’t expect to find
That I didn’t set out to find
or That I didn’t put there myself

There is no double super secret hidden meaning
To any of it
Just a whole mess of parts.

Bolts and
Screws and
Words and
Hearts and
Fears and
Emotions and
Magic and
Little bits of plastic everywhere.

And I don’t know where any of this shit goes.

I don’t know where any of this shit goes.

– Mel


American Above All (The Gripes of Wrath)

I am American above all else.


I alone identify myself.

I alone know myself

Better than you.

I know who I am.

You can only claim to know me.


I am American first

I am LGBT after that

I am Black American shorter there

And lastly I am a Mets fan.

If you dis my team I will defend her.

We may not have been to the World Series in a while

But Bernie Madoff is still in prison

And baseball isn’t an easy game.

If you insult my race I will defend it

Just because you show me a list of things that I can’t do

That you say genetically I can not do

That doesn’t mean there aren’t a whole list of things that I can do

And everyday I will erase another thing from your list

And add another to mine

Every fucking day

If you challenge my way of life & threaten my gay brothers and sisters I will defend them

I will defend their choices & their loves

Their passions and their hearts

If you attack them, you attack me

And if you attack me, you better run

Run motherfucker, run

Who I love has absolutely nothing to do with you



But if you come after my country

If you threaten the American Dream

The American way of life

The values that my fathers fought and died for

That my mothers agonized and bled for

That my great grand parents were stolen for and worked the skin off their backs for

Be you Alien or Human

Foreign threat or domestic

White American or Black

Be you Gay Black American


Mets fan…

If you threaten my people

I will defend them with my life.

I am American first

I am LGBT after that

I am Black American shorter there

And lastly I am a Mets fan.

When you see me

Wherever you see me

In your fear or your hatred

In your pity, your sympathy, your antipathy

You want to spit on me

You want to curse me

You want to tell me I can’t get into heaven

You want to tell me there is a place for me in hell

You want to tell me I am the Great Satan

And everything that’s wrong with the world.

Keep it to yourself

When you see me on the street

When you see me at the club, the bar, the mall, the school, the stadium, the center, the gym, the theater, the park

There is only one thing you are allowed to say to me

And that’s

“Let’s go Mets.”



– Mel

10 Unsolicited Questions I Do Not Like

These are the questions I get asked too often. The ones that get under my skin. Asked by people who are either trying to piss me off or they don’t know better. I made a list. So now you know. (and knowing is half the battle… G.I. Joe)

The Question Is What Is the Question?

The Question Is What Is the Question? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


1) Where are you from?  (Regional)

Implying- You must not be from around here because the people who look like you in this neighborhood aren’t as (smart, well-spoken, talented, motivated) as you are. You must be from somewhere else.

This is not a compliment. You are insulting an entire race of people and using me to do it. Fuck you.


2) Where are you from? (Global)

Implying- I don’t recognize your accent. or You speak English so well you must be from another country.

Not as accidentally racist as the first one but still pretty bad. Also you must only watch reality shows because you can find people who speak English without a regional accent on The News or Talk Shows.


3) Are you okay?  (Judgmental or Compassionate)

Are YOU okay? I know you’re asking about ME but it’s obvious that you’re concerning yourself with my life as a way of neglecting your own. How about you get your shit together before you offer help to someone else. Don’t use me as a way to avoid your own life.  Also, if I’m not gasping for air or waking up from being unconscious, the question is annoying.


4) What’s your name? (Conversation Starter)

Do I know you? No, wait. That’s not the right question…

Do I want to know you? That’s better.

If we’re introduced by someone else that’s cool. If we start talking and hit it off there will probably be a point where we learn each others name. But if the first thing you have to say to me is “What’s your name?” I have to tell you, that is too personal a question for a complete stranger in the internet age. Take a step back.

What’s my name? My name is leave me the fuck alone. That’s my name.


5) What size shoe do you wear? (From Any One Except A Shoe Salesman)

Everyone who grew up in an urban area recognizes this question. When someone asks you what size shoe you wear it is a way of saying “Give me your shoes” or “I’ll be taking them from you later” or if you’re living on the street, it’s a way of saying “You will wake up tomorrow without shoes.” (Why a lot of homeless sleep on them)

But the best answer to this question is always “Your size. They’re your size.” and then you give ’em the death stare.


6) Where do you live? (For Any Reason Other Than “Let’s go to your place and have sex.”)

If what you mean is “Do you live around here.” (also a Sex Question most of the time) then say that, please.

Where do you live? is something you ask a lost child. (“Do you know your address? Let’s go find your mommy.”)


7) Do you work here? (Retail)

I don’t have to work here to help someone who needs help HOWEVER this nametag with the store logo on it and my name under that, should serve as a hint.

But I know why people do this. It’s because they want to avoid the asshole answer.

Here’s an example exchange:

“Excuse me. Do you know where the blah blah blah is?”

Turns slowly. Makes a snotty annoyed face and says. “What do I look like, I work here?”

“No sir, I just thought you might know where it was. I’m sorry to bother you.”

“Actually I think it’s over there.”

“Oh. So you DO know where it is. Then why the attitude?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. You wanna make out?”

“Sure. You live around here?”

….and scene.



8) Why can’t you act normal? or What’s wrong with you? (An Insult)

They think this is an insult.

And that’s what I say to them.

“Wow. You think that’s an insult. That’s kind of sad. And it says more about you than it says about me. Now please move out of my way. I need to continue with my silly dancing. It’s Autumn, you know.”


9) Can I help you?  (Instead of May I help you?)

Not a grammar thing, but a difference in implication.

May I Help, is someone who wants to help who is asking for permission. Very nice.

Can I Help  is several things. All bad.

You look like you need help and I can’t stand watching you fumble around in the darkness of your ignorance.

or What are YOU doing here? and How can I get you to leave?

Some people are able to say CAN I while actually meaning MAY I and vice versa. It’s really an attitude thing.



And the last question I do not like to be asked…
10) What do you do? (All day, With Your Time, For A Living)

The only thing I do all day is breathe. I breathe for the entire day. Non-stop.

The greatest chunk of my time is spent sleeping. I sleep away a third of the day. I can’t seem to help it.

And I do what everyone else does to stay alive; What ever they have to do.


But if what you wanted to know is what do I LIKE to do, then you should have asked that. I can talk about that all day.


But I’ll tell you what I don’t like to do…

Answer annoying questions.

– Wrath

Jails, Judges & Jokes

I enjoy making judges laugh.

I guess that’s a weird thing to say isn’t it.

But when you’ve been homeless and a drug users as long as I have, and have impulse control problems (and are mentally ill. But of course I didn’t realize it back then because I was always high or drunk, literally self-medicating) you find yourself in front of judges often. (Usually after a day or two in a cell)

And if you’re like me and you take absolutely nothing seriously and you like making people crack up in intense situations, you try to make the courtroom laugh.

Not a hard thing to do really.

In a tension filled room, a properly timed and appropriately short, respectful and funny comment said loud enough so that everyone can hear can cause the entire room to explode with laughter.

Okay maybe not easy for everyone but it’s easy for me. I’ve been doing shit like that all my life. But if you can make the judge laugh as well then you’ve done something.

There’s a line, a few lines actually, that you cannot cross. So much so that it’s better to not say anything than to do it wrong.

Firstly, it can’t seem like you’re making a joke. Self-defacing humor is good. An epic exaggeration is good. If you can throw in the fact that you just spent 2 days in a holding cell that’s always good too.

Secondly, it has to come organically meaning you can’t ask to speak just to tell your joke. You have to wait until you have been asked a direct question and it has to seem like it’s sort of the answer to the question.

Thirdly, and very important you cannot laugh or smile at your own joke. Especially if it goes over well. A well placed “I’m sorry” during the laughter is a good idea and a good humble statement right after is also a good practice.

Lastly, speak the hell up. Everyone has to hear you and hear the humbling statement afterward in the silence. You have gotten everyone’s attention. Say something sweet and humble.

Then shut the hell up and lower your eyes. You’ve won over the room & you’ve made the judge actually look at you, quite possibly like you. Don’t spoil that by showing ANY EGO.

Trust me. I’ve been arrested more times than I can count and I have never spent an hour in prison (hell, with my ego and my temper I wouldn’t survive a day).

But after several trips to court, the last guy kind of blew my whole act up and basically said If you come before a judge again (it will be me and) I will send you to prison. I don’t care why.

I think I made him like me too much. So he wanted to help me. And He did really. I haven’t been arrested since. I guess that’s all I needed to hear.

“You’re charming. You’re funny. You’re going to prison.”


“Because I like you, I’m sending you to prison.”


You know who else I like to make laugh?


Right before they’re going to work on me. I like to break the entire operating room up. Somewhere between the gurney & the table I’m doing schtick.

So that just as I’m going under I’m thinking: “Everybody in this room likes me, I’ll be just fine.”

I haven’t died in surgery once.

I guess what I’m trying to say is; If someone holds your life in their hands, make ’em laugh.

– Mel