LOGAN: The Death of the Comic Book Movie (The Birth of the Comic Book Genre)

This is not a review, in the ordinary sense of the word. No, this is a prolonged insult, a gob of spit in the face of Art, a kick in the pants of Gods, X-Men, Destiny, Time, Love, Storm, Rogue, Beauty… Comic Books.

Logan: The Death of a the Comic Book Movie (The Birth of the Comic Book Genre)

…Or this is just me rambling on about movies and comic books as usual.

Logan (20th Century Fox)

Directed by James Mangold

Written by Scott Frank, James Mangold & Michael Green

Starring Hugh JackmanPatrick StewartRichard E. GrantBoyd HolbrookStephen Merchant & Dafne Keen

“I get the feeling this review is gonna hurt, kid. The kind of pain that doesn’t heal. You know what I mean?” “Of course I do. I’m extraordinarily wise for a lab experiment… oh yeah and I can drive.”

Make no mistake, people. Logan is not a good film. It’s not a good superhero film or a good western. Even as it tries to compare its own shit writing to the classic western Shane (SACRILEGE!!!), it is not a good movie, period. But what it is, what Logan turns out to be, is the latest in a welcome trend. A regular movie that just happens to star a comic book superhero. Not a superhero movie. Not a comic book movie. There are comic books in the movie. Wolverine waves them around from time to time, if that helps to put the character in context. But that’s about it. And it does not.

“You see, in this reality they made us into comic book superheroes for their kids but still hunted us down like dogs… because that makes total sense.”

Wolverine, everyone’s favorite X-Man, has had three solo movies. The first and the third have been complete bullshit. The second, however, is one of my favorite comic book movies of all-time. The second Wolverine is an homage to his stand alone title. It is a perfect replica. The pacing. The cinematography. This is The Wolverine. This is the comic that I collected from issue ONE. I say this all the time and I will say it here again. “If you do not respect the source material do not take on the job of bringing it to the screen.” But I was about to tell you what this awful movie Logan means for the industry.

“Awful? Well that’s just harsh. Play that Johnny Cash song again. I think I’m gonna cry.””

The first sci-fi genre was a straight space adventure. Trip To The Moon. The second was The vampire Film. Nosferatu. Since those two, we’ve had tons of space adventures and tons of takes on the vampire. These are tried and true genres that once every decade somebody tries to reinvent and breathe new life into. But also there are other types of movies that aren’t as flexible. They come and go from era to era. They disappear and have resurgences. Like the western or the gladiator movie. These are just types of movies not genres. (in this context anyway. Because words can be tricky)

“I will kill you all with my Star Wars Prequel Yoda-like, physics defying, aerial acrobatics because I am a cartoon character in a serious movie!!! ARRRGH!!!”

In the past, the superhero movie was a type. (type vs genre) It was a costumed adventure. Fight the bad guy. Save the girl. Save the world. Period. End of story. There were a few comedy bits thrown in but mostly it was the superhero’s tale. But these types of movies are coming to an end. Their time has passed. Logan is not a comic book movie. It just happens to star a character from a comic book. And that is awesome. (Even while the movie Logan is not that awesome).

“Say my movie is bad one more time. I dare you… Bub.” *snikt

Logan is not a western either, by the way. I read that somewhere. I disagree whole-heartedly. It thinks it’s a western, but it’s not. If anything it’s a post-apocalyptic survival story like Mad Max: Fury Road. But instead of a global apocalypse, Logan is about the mutant apocalypse. The chase to hunt down the last mutants. At the start of this movie all but three mutants are dead. Professor X, Callaban and Wolverine. By the end of this movie… no spoilers but everywhere you look people are saying this is the last Wolverine movie. This is the last Wolverine movie. So you figure it out. And don’t talk to me about the kids. They were made in a lab (*see note). So not a natural mutation. Logan, the end of the Wolverine franchise, is some dark stuff.

*note: Wolverine’s adamantium skeleton was added in a lab but his mutation, his healing factor (Deadpool has the same thing but that too is from a lab) and Wolverine’s heightened senses (smell mostly) are a natural mutation. Of course the movie Logan all but ignores his sense of smell. It’s almost like the writers never read the comic books… but anyway. What was I saying? Oh yes.

“Wolverine, would you please tell Mel to stay on topic.” “He doesn’t listen to me, Professor.”

The comic book superhero is officially a film genre and not a type of movie now. And I know I’m not using the right words but bear with me. Because the word genre can fit for both of these categories of things and it gets confusing. The way I’m differentiating here is in the ways they can be presented. Some film types are the same no matter what. Different plot. Different characters. But you know the beats. Romantic Comedy. You get the gist. International Spy Thriller. You know what you’re going to get. Gladiator films changed from Roman to Martial Arts but they generally stayed the same. The Comic Book Movie was just like that not too long ago. Dark or Light. Marvel or DC. Nolan’s Batman, Donner’s Superman, Whedon’s Avengers and Raimi’s Spiderman are all the same fucking films. Like the western. It was a box. You could throw whatever superhero you wanted into it and the beats would always be generally the same. I’m not saying they are all the same quality because they are not. And there’s nothing wrong with opening up a box, knowing what you’re going to get and still being pleasantly surprised. It’s hard to like movies unless you’re okay with that.

“Wait… Are you the vampire, Callaban? And does that make me the Zombie? I don’t get it.”

But then you have the full on classic genre that’s not beholding to any style. Vampires. Are probably the best example. There are no rules. You can have a space opera with vampires. You can have a rom com with vampires or a western. Most recently Zombies have become the go to for putting them wherever the fuck you want. If you made a section of vampire movies it would make no sense. There would actually be more types of movies than you could shake a stick at under the vampire genre. Comic book superheroes are now officially crossing into that zone. And I’m psyched. The R rated comic book film with no crime to fight, no world to save… fuck yeah.

“Did somebody call for a super-villain? That isn’t really super or necessarily a villain. Just a misguided corporate stooge who blindly follows orders. Did somebody call for a misguided corporate stooge who blindly follows orders?”

And again I’m talking Sherlock Holmes in space type shit. Not just some detective. I’m talking about recognizable comic book superheroes in all kinds of movie boxes. Not just some generic superhero they made up that’s supposed to remind us of stuff from the comics, but the name-brand heroes from the comics. It’s time for a Batman movie where he never puts on the cape. Just a detective story or a revenge tale. One of my favorite aspects of The Hulk movie (still my favorite comic book adaptation) is the romance between Liv Tyler and Ed Norton. And that’s what the Hulk was for me when I was a kid, a romance. Stop trying to make him into a superhero. He’s not a superhero. He’s a monster in love. Spider-man as a teen drama would be nice. Sure he’s still the spider-man but that’s not the movie. The movie is about a kid trying to finish high school. Stop it with the super-villains. Enough already. We get it.

“Logan, do you remember that Star Trek episode where Captain Picard has a full life and grows old in a simulated tribute to an alien species?” “No I didn’t watch that nerd crap.” “I wish that was what this was. Because this movie is depressing as fuck.”

So anyway, what Logan represents to me is the death of the comic book movie. We saw the beginnings in Winter Soldier… that’s more of a spy thriller than comic book. And Deadpool… an R rated fourth wall comedy, a parody of itself. The comic book movie as movie type, is burning itself out. There will still be tons made, because you know how it takes Hollywood a couple of decades before they get the point, but we’re already getting tired of them. Bring on the comic book heroes in regular movies. These are great classic characters. They don’t have to fight The Riddler every week. That’s just their job. It doesn’t have to also be the movie plot.

“Here Lies The Superhero Movie Genre… I mean Movie Type… May It Rest In Peace… I mean Pieces. – Hugh Jackman.”

So Logan, this mediocre, unbelievably corny and poorly written take on The Wolverine, really wasn’t that great of a movie from where I was sitting (seat L10 right behind the wheelchair section because, you know, leg room ftw). Even though Hugh Jackman is great as Wolverine, here he reminded me of Arnold Schwarzenegger coming back to play the Terminator one last time… nostalgic. And to tell the truth, I didn’t see Wolverine in Logan at all. I saw the actor who plays Wolverine and a character with claws who references the comic books like that’s enough. That’s not enough.

“Daddy?” “Yes Laura… wait. Did you just call me daddy? Damn, maybe Mel is right. This is some corny ass shit.” “I have to go to the bathroom.” “Hold it. We’re almost there.” “AARRRRGH!!” “Really? Again with the screaming?”

But what I also saw, in the theater, and on the screen, is what it means for comic book movies going forward… a whole new set of rules. The possibilities are endless. Creativity run amok. And that shit was better than the movie. That shit was beautiful.

– Mel

The Comic Book Movie is dead.

Long Live the Comic Book Genre.

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The Fast 7: A Furious 7 Inspired Car-Loving Mega-Post

In honor of the seventh (and final) The Fast and the Furious movie, (RIP Paul Walker), arguably the most successful driving movie franchise in film history, Mel Rook & The Seven Deadly Sins presents: The Fast 7: A Furious 7 Inspired Car-Loving Mega-Post.

This will be 7 lists of my 7 favorite car & driving pop culture… things. The Categories: TV, Movies, Video Games, Fantasy Cars, Batmobiles (Batman gets his own category), Sports Cars and ending with my 7 favorite Movie Car Chase Scenes.

To the list(s)…First up television…

Driving Shows

My 7 favorite driving TV shows that really know how to cut to the chase.

7. Knight Rider (1982-86)

Created by Glen A. Larson

David Hasselhoff and Kitt

David Hasselhoff and a talking car. What’s not to love about this cheesy 80’s driving show? KITTs voice. I didn’t like KITTs voice. He should have sounded more like a Cylon.

6. Transporter: The Series (2013-Current)

Based on  Transporter by Luc Besson & Robert Mark Kamen

Chris-Vance-as-The-Transporter

A decent adaptation of the Transporter movie series (with Jason Statham). At least for one season. The second season of this show was a bit rough after a big cast shake-up. But the first season was so good it should be renewed for a third.

5. Wacky Races (1968)

Produced by William Hanna & Joseph Barbera

Wacky Races

Wacky Races was an animated version of the movie The Great Race (1965) with Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis and Natalie Wood. It was always fun, funny and wacky.

“And they’re off… to a standing start. And why not. They’ve been chained to a post by shifty Dick Dastardly, who shifts into the wrong gear.”

4. The Dukes of Hazzard (1979-85)

Created by Gy Waldron and Jerry Rushing

The Dukes

Two pretty cowboys and their little sister (with the long lovely legs) outrun the local corrupt sheriff (Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane) and his deputies. Waylon Jennings did the narration and sang the theme song. I was not the biggest fan of this show but I loved the car chases, the jumps, the stunts, the bad guys and Daisy Duke.

3. Starsky & Hutch (1975-79)

Created by William Frederick Blinn and Ryan Matthew Blinn

Starsky and Hutch

So many alleys to speed down while chasing the crooks. It’s a wonder they didn’t run-over more homeless people than they did. Starsky & Hutch were always jumping on cars and chasing down bad guys. And Huggy Bear was somehow always involved.

Poor Huggy Bear. It’s hard out there for a pimp.. or snitch or whatever he was.

2. CHiPs (1977-83)

Created by Rick Rosner

CHiPs

Yeah, I know the main characters were on motorcycles and not in cars but this show was one big car chase scene… seriously. And every couple of weeks or so there would be a huge 20 to 30 car pile-up on the Interstate highway. Ponch & John. California Highway Patrol… CHiPs.

But my favorite driving show will always be…

1. Speed Racer (1966-68)

Written by Jinzō Toriumi (adapted by Peter Fernandez)

Speed Racer

My favorite cartoon growing up. I wanted a Mach 5 so bad… and a monkey. I wanted a monkey to hide in the trunk. (Fishbone dedicated an entire album to the little guy called Chim Chim’s Badass Revenge… one of their best). This show is dated and awful but when I was little it made me happy. And there weren’t a lot of things that made me happy.

Next up…

Driving Games

My 7 Favorite Driving Games: The seven best and (most fun… for me) driving and racing video games (I go for realism. So these are all about the real cars and not cartoon cars)

7. Gran Turismo (1998 – Playstation)

Developed by Polyphony Digital

Gran Turismo

The licenses. The music. The mechanics. The best racing franchise and driving simulator of all-time hands down. This is the one that started it all. And these guys were just getting started. I remember having the old beige PS1 and marveling at how pretty this game was.

6. Grand Theft Auto IV (2008 – X-Box 360)

Developed by Rockstar Games

Grand Theft Auto IV

Sure there’s shooting and running around and stuff but the driving was the best thing about it. You could just drive all night listening to the radio. The radio stations were the best. Speeding through the city late at night. Why even play the story. Just get in a car and drive. Or in a truck. Or a motorcycle.

5. Grand Turismo 3: A-spec (2001 – PS2)

Developed by Polyphony Digital

gran-turismo-3

One of the best-selling video games of all-time, Gran Turismo 3: A-spec featured incredibly gorgeous graphics (for that generation) and realistic cars with the opportunity to tweak every aspect of your car’s performance. And the dual-shock controller so you could feel the engine humming and feel every bump on the road.

Gran Turismo-3 A-spec

I would spend hours and hours trying to cut tenths of seconds off my track time, all to the sound of another fantastic soundtrack featuring great songs by The Cardigans and Soul Coughing and Foo Fighters.

4. Burnout Paradise (2008 – PS3)

Developed by Criterion Games

burnout_paradise

Street racing gone mad. This game was a lot like Grand Theft Auto but without the shooting and with a multi-player mode so you could race other players online.

Burnout Crashes

Not to mention the insanely fun crash mode where head-on crashes are rewarded with points for the more you roll and the more other cars you get involved in the wreckage. So much fun. And a pretty decent soundtrack.

3. Pole Position (1982 – Arcade)

Developed by Namco

pole_position

The first racing game worth a damn. Pole Position was an arcade favorite of mine. I could spend twenty dollars in quarters just trying to qualify, make pole position and leave my competition in the dust again and again.

2. Pole Position II (1983 – Arcade)

Developed by Namco

Pole Position 2

I loved this game so much. More tracks and better graphics this time around. It’s just a better game. I can still hear the beeps that started every race. BEEP (red light) BEEP (yellow light) BEEEEEP (green light) Go.

But my favorite driving game is still…

1. Gran Turismo 5 (2010 – PS3)

Developed by Polyphony Digital

Gran-Turismo-5

I guess there’s something about the odd numbers in this franchise. This game is great. Winning new cars by racing online. Buying used cars. Collecting different drivers for your friends to race against while you were offline in the cool B-spec mode. Coming back online to collect your winnings. This game is awesome.

gran-turismo-5-inner-2

Not to mention the addition of NASCAR and more difficult licenses (How do they drive those heavy-ass cars?) and more downloadable tracks. Gran Turismo 5 is still my favorite racing game. Perhaps the greatest racing game of all-time.

Gran Turismo 5 Graphics are sickI don’t have a PS4 yet but if I were to get one it would be because I wanted the newest Gran Turismo game when it comes out. But for now I’m still playing 5. (I skipped 6 because there was nothing new). So Gran Turismo 5 is still my go to game when I feel the need for speed. My favorite.

Next up…

Driving Movies

My 7 Favorite Driving Movies.

7. Drive (2011)

Drive Poster

Directed by Nicolas Winding Refn

Written by Hossein Amini  Based on Drive by James Sallis

Starring Ryan GoslingCarey MulliganBryan CranstonAlbert BrooksRon PerlmanOscar Isaac & Christina Hendricks

Ryan Gosling

It’s in the title. This movie is like a meditation. Great cast. Lots of tension. Good driving scenes. The best Ryan Gosling in my opinion. Great driving throughout.

6. The Fast and the Furious (2001)

The-Fast-and-Furious-2001

Directed by Rob Cohen

Written by Gary Scott ThompsonErik Bergquist & David Ayer  Based on “Racer X” by Ken Li

Starring Paul WalkerVin DieselMichelle RodriguezJordana BrewsterRick YuneChad LindbergJohnny Strong & Ted Levine

The Fast and the Furious

The first one is the best one (actually it’s the only good one). Hot girls and fast cars and street racing. What else do you need? Well… A better plot for one. Better acting for two. Better directing for three. But for a car and racing fan it’s still a lot of fun.

5. The Transporter (2002)

The Transporter

Directed by Louis Leterrier & Corey Yuen

Written by Luc Besson & Robert Mark Kamen

Starring Jason StathamShu QiFrançois Berléand & Matt Schulze

Jason Statham

Great driving. Yes. But this movie is all about Jason Statham kicking serious ass. And he’s very hot. There’s something about Jason Statham that is very very hot.

4. Bullitt (1968)

Bullit Poster

Directed by Peter Yates

Written by Alan R. Trustman & Harry Kleiner  Based on Mute Witness by Robert L. Fish

Starring Steve McQueenRobert Vaughn & Jacqueline Bisset

Bullit

You can’t list the best driving movies without including Bullitt and his bad-ass Mustang. With one of the best car chase scenes of all-time (maybe even the best), Steve McQueen and Bullitt comes in at number four on my list of great driving movies.

3. Gone in 60 Seconds (2000)

Gone in 60 Seconds

Directed by Dominic Sena

Written by Scott Rosenberg  Based on the movie Gone in 60 Seconds (1974) by H.B. Halicki

Starring Nicolas CageAngelina JolieGiovanni Ribisi & Delroy Lindo

eleanor-1967-shelby-mustang-gt-500

I love this movie because while Nicholas Cage is Nicholas Cage-ing, Angelina Jolie is Angelina Jolie-ing. And a lot of cool cars.

gone-in-sixty-seconds-cage

Everybody is stealing cars and out-running cops and looking cool while doing it. I love Gone in 60 Seconds. It’s one of the coolest movies of all-time.

2. The Cannonball Run (1981)

The Cannonball Run Quad

Directed Hal Needham

Written by Brock Yates

Starring Burt ReynoldsRoger MooreFarrah FawcettJackie ChanDean MartinSammy Davis, Jr. & Dom DeLuise

the-cannonball-run

Classic driving comedy with Burt Reynolds and a cast of hundreds racing across country. It was kind of raunchy for its time but tame by today’s standards. Still loads of fun if a little dated and a tad bit racist and sexist and.. we were crappy people back then. But you know… it was the 80’s. We were all on coke.

Adrienne Barbeau Cleavage

With the added bonus of both Adrienne Barbeau and Farrah Fawcett in the prime of their hotness, The Cannonball Run is what you get if you took Wacky Races, The Fast and the Furious and the Burnout Paradise game then threw in every famous actor from the 70’s.

Jackie Chan

A young Jackie Chan, Dom DeLuise, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Roger Moore and cameos galore. This is one crazy movie. They made two more but they never came close to matching the magic from the first one.

However my favorite driving movie is…

1. Speed Racer (2008)

Speed Racer Movie

Written & Directed by The Wachowskis

Based on Speed Racer by Tatsuo Yoshida

Starring Emile HirschChristina RicciJohn GoodmanSusan SarandonMatthew FoxBenno FürmannHiroyuki SanadaRain & Richard Roundtree

Speed Racer cast

Incredibly campy and colorful, the Wachovski brought the Speed Racer cartoon to the big screen with unapologetic enthusiasm. Maybe a little too much. But the racing scenes are some of the most exciting and acrobatic racing ever on film. I usually go for realism but these races are anything but real. The laws of physics need not apply. The cars skid around on impossibly shaped tracks that look like they were built from Matchbox and Hot Wheels tracks welded together by… well… by me as a kid. They look like they were put together by me. I love this movie so much. The cars don’t so much as race. The cars battle each other like high-flying martial artists on wires. Which, as far as I can remember, was the spirit of the original Speed Racer cartoons. Pass the cereal.

speed-racer-movie-01

I love this movie. And it got such a bad rap. I saw a review on-line that was just a picture of a plastic Mach 5 with a dog turd on top of it (seriously). The Wachovski’s say this was a movie for the Speed Racer fans. And they are correct. Because I am a Speed Racer fan. And this is a really bad bad bad bad really bad movie… that I loved. Don’t judge me.

Next up…

Fantasy Cars (Non-Batmobile Division)

My 7 Favorite Fantasy Cars: The seven coolest fictional cars that aren’t the Batmobile. But no hovercraft. If it doesn’t roll on the ground at some point, it ain’t on this list.

7. KITT (Knight Rider 1982)

KITT

I didn’t like the voice of the original KITT. It sounded kind of whiny and too human but I loved the controls and the special gadgets and weapons.

Inside KITT

I loved that the steering wheel looked like a game controller for a flight simulator.

6. DeLorean Time Machine (Back to the Future 1985)

Back to the Future

One, it was a DeLorean. Two, it was a time machine. And three, that baby could fly. “Roads? where we’re going we don’t need roads.”

Flying DeLorean

But the best part about it was that it was a freaking time machine… in a DeLorean.

5. Aston Martin DB5 (Goldfinger 1964)

aston_martin_db5

The classic Aston Martin. James Bond’s first tricked out car. Still one of the best. And you can’t beat the classics. You never forget your first car. Revolving license plates. Bullet proof shields. The tire slashers in the wheel hub. Smoke screen. Oil slick. Machine guns in the front. And say it with me people… Ejector Seat on the passenger side.

Bond: Ejector seat? You’re joking!
Q: I never joke about my work, 007

4. Lotus Espirit (The Spy Who Loved Me 1977)

lotus-esprit

I put the Lotus above the Aston Martin on this list because It’s part car, part submarine… all bad-ass. This was the coolest James Bond car because of how the dashboard changed to the submarine controls and the periscope when it submerged.

lotus-esprit-the-spy-who-love-me

And of course the torpedoes in the front were handy for dealing with those sharks with the freaking lasers on their freaking heads..

3. The Mach 5 (Speed Racer 1967)

mach-5

You were expecting something else?

Mach_5_Steering_Wheel

Look at these buttons. Look at them! Eat your heart out, James Bond.

Mach Mechanics

The Mach 5 was the best. My favorite one of its gadgets was the auto jacks underneath that made the car jump over obstacles. I know. I know. It wouldn’t be possible in real life. But it was still cool to me as a kid. The laws of physics be damned. BOING

2. Lola (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D 2013)

SHIELD Flying Car

Lola is a Chevrolet Corvette C1 already a cool classic car but Agent Coulson had it modified so that she can float like a hover craft and fly like a jet..

Lola_(Car)_001

But Coulson takes pains to remind everyone that she’s still the same Corvette where it counts; underneath… and don’t touch her. Don’t touch Lola. Flying cars rock.

So my number one favorite is…

1. Blade Runner Police Spinner (Blade Runner 1982)

blade-runner1

There have been many movies with flying cars in them. Fifth Element had flying cars but they weren’t really cars they were hover vehicles shaped like cars. Others have had what were essentially airplanes that looked like cars. Harry Potter made a car fly but was it designed to do that? The Jetson’s flew but they never rolled so that’s not a car. Luke’s car was a land speeder. So just another freaking hovercraft. And we’ve already seen Lola.

Spinners

The best flying cars were the Spinners from Blade Runner (quite possibly the best film ever made). This is how you do flying cars, people. Gorgeous design. Function, form, realism. If there were flying cars today, you know only the police would have them. Police, Fire Department, EMT… no one else would fly.

Next up…

Fantasy Cars (Batmobile Division)

My 7 Favorite Batmobiles

7. The Batmobile (from Batman Forever 1995)

Directed by Joel Schumacher

Batman Forever

Say what you want about the movie but at least The Batmobile was pretty… pretty phallic. Form over function in every single way. And most definitely penis shaped. Am I right?

6. The Batmobile (from Batman the TV Series 1966)

Created by William Dozier

Batmobile 60's

“Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed.” I loved this show growing up. Almost as much as I loved Speed Racer. (Didn’t think I could sneak in another Speed Racer reference did you?) A bunch of cool gadgets including a saw blade in the front to cut tow cables, a car phone and computer terminal. (This was in the 60s people)

5. The Bat Tumbler (from Batman Begins, The Dark Knight & The Dark Knight Rises 2005, 2008 & 2012)

Directed by Christopher Nolan

batmobile-Tumbler-2005-the-dark-knight

Function over form. I love it. An all-terrain tank with a low center of gravity. Definitely the most practical of all the Batmobiles. Speed, weapons and armor.

4. The Batmobile (from Batman: The Animated Series 1992)

Developed by Bruce Timm & Eric Radomski

Batman The Animated Series

Art Deco gorgeousness. The best Batman series by far was Batman: The Animated Series. Some of the best writing of the Batman universe. And the artwork had a classic cartoon feel like something from the 40s. This was close to Tim Burton’s Batmobile but with sleeker lines and that gorgeous Art Deco style.

3. The Batmobile (from Batman & Batman Returns 1989-92)

Directed by Tim Burton

Batmobile Tim Burton

More function than form but still very pretty. Part tank, part sports car. The grappling hook for sharp turns was a nice touch. This car was hot.

Batmobile Armor

And of course the voice-activated impenetrable shielding for when Batman had to get out.

2. The Batmobile (from Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice 2016)

Directed by Zack Snyder

batman-v-superman-dawn-of-justice-batmobile-official

Speaking of tanks, tumblers and sports cars that double as Swiss army knives… The new Batmobile is sick. Deadly and sick. More of a Mech than a mobile. This bad boy is ready for battle. I predict some serious destruction.

Batman v Superman Dawn of Justice

Outstanding. I just hope the movie lives up to the hype this new Batmobile has generated.

But my favorite Batmobile is not a mobile at all… I’m sorry. I have to cheat here because this thing is bad-ass. Absolutely bad-ass. It’s the…

1. The Bat Pod/ Bat Cycle (from The Dark Knight & The Dark Knight Rises 2008 & 2012)

Directed by Christopher Nolan

Bat Cycle

Everything about it is appealing. The way it turns. The front-mounted guns. The controls. The suspension. The way Catwoman looks when she’s riding it. The way Heath’s Joker looks when he’s jousting with it. The Bat Pod rocks.

Catwoman Cycle

This thing is amazing and I want one. I want one now. Right now.

But it’s not real. So let’s talk about real cars that I still can’t have…

Sports Cars (Real Cars)

My 7 Favorite Real Cars: The seven coolest cars I would own if I were obnoxiously wealthy, juvenile, in the midst of a mid-life crisis and doubted my sexual prowess.

In other words… Penis mobiles.

7. Ford Mustang Mach 1

Ford-Mustang-Mach-1

I love a Mustang. If I owned this I would never drive slow. Never. ‘I’m going to the store. I’ll be back in exactly 5 seconds.”

6. Shelby GT500 Cobra

2013-Ford-Mustang-Shelby-GT500-Cobra-2

Not as penis-y as the others but just as powerful and gorgeous.

5. Corvette Z06

2015-Chevrolet-Corvette-Z06

Sweet ride and I even like the color. Sing it, Prince. “Little Yellow Corvette…”

4. Jaguar E-Type

Jaguar E-Type

If that’s not a penis mobile. I don’t know what is. It’s a Jaguar.

3. Tesla Roadster

tesla-roadster

I had to include a Tesla on this list. They make electric sexy. I want this one in black.

2. Dodge Viper SRT10 ACR-X

Dodge Viper SRT10 ACR-X 2010

Hell yeah. Hell fucking yeah. Hurry up and build that highway between Alaska and Siberia so I can drive around the world in this. From cape to cape… Yeah baby.

1. Porsche 918 Spyder

Porsche

The kind of car you jump into while wearing driving gloves and a scarf.. because, you know, it gets cold when you’re driving fast. Porsche. There is no substitute.

And the last category in my car loving mega post…

Car Chase Scenes

My 7 Favorite Chase Scenes (from non-racing movies… because in racing movies every other scene is a car chase. The whole damn thing is a car chase)

7. Matrix Reloaded (2003)

Super exciting motorcycle chase from another Wachovski film that gets a bad rap.

6. Die Another Day (2002)

An amazing car battle between James Bond’s tricked out Aston Martin and an equally tricked out Jaguar.

5. The Blues Brothers (1980)

They drive through a mall. ’nuff said.

4. The Bourne Identity (2002)

I love the European car chases because the streets are narrower and every so often there’s a flight of stairs in the way.

3. Ronin (1998)

This tunnel chase is off the freaking chain.

2. The French Connection (1971)

This is one of the best chase scenes ever. This blows me away every time I see it.

But at number one with a bullet…

1. Bullitt (1968)

Arguably the best car chase ever. But on this list it just beats out The French Connection by a car length. The French Connection comes in second only because there is just one car in the chase. But that William Friedkin subway chase is incredible.

I hope you enjoyed my Car-Loving Mega Post. And I hope you enjoy Furious 7 in theaters on Friday. (or not. Honestly, I’ve only seen the first one… and I love cars)

What’s your favorite car chase? car game? car movie? car show? Did I miss yours? Let me know in the comments.

Catch you later,

– Mel

Spared or Spoiled Film Reviews: Interstellar

The rules are simple. The good get spared. The bad get spoiled.

Interstellar (Paramount Pictures [North America],  Warner Bros. Pictures [International])

Interstellar Poster

Directed by Christopher Nolan

Written by Jonathan Nolan & Christopher Nolan

Starring Matthew McConaugheyAnne HathawayJessica Chastain & Michael Caine

Swing and a miss. Too long did not like. Too ambitious. Interstellar gets trapped in the singularity up its own ass. Wow what a promising start but Christopher Nolan turns into M. Night Shyamalan somewhere near Gargantua and it doesn’t just get bad. It gets really bad. Hopelessly and unapologetically bad.

Verdict: SPOILED

Matthew McConaughey

“Don’t worry kids. NASA will save us. Go play with your lunar module until Mel’s done ranting.”

SPOILER ALERT

First, I think Matthew McConaughey is solid as usual. I loved Anne Hathaway in this and also Jessica Chastain, Ellen Burstyn. Honestly all the actors that played Murphy were very good. I liked but did not love the start of the movie back on Earth. The explanations of what happened to the Earth were rushed. It felt like they were glossed-over on purpose as to not get too earthbound. But it all comes back to haunt the narrative when they try desperately to find an upbeat ending. Where’d they get the soil? The seeds? If you can grow and live inside on a spaceship you can live inside on the planet.

The Coopers

“Stop him, daddy. He’s insulting our movie.”

I usually love the paradox of us saving our past selves from the future. I have a little something like that in what I’m working on now but it’s a lot more complex than this crap and it doesn’t get all inter-dimensional. That should have been the title of this thing. Not Interstellar but inter-dimensional. But then I guess that would have ruined the Shymalanity of it all. As it is, Interstellar left me cold and I hate it for that.

Anne Hathaway Handshake

“When you ask me what that was, I’m gonna say a handshake. Don’t ask me any follow up questions okay? It’ll make absolutely no sense later.”

Because, in the end all of its kumbaya ending crap felt so disingenuous that I would have been more satisfied had Matthew McConaughey died and not been found conveniently floating in space. What is the overall area that a human adult takes up in the vastness of space again? Don’t answer that. Well then you might as well have made it aliens and had those aliens transport him back to his stupid corn farm or bring everybody back to life. Roll credits. Oh this movie made me so mad.

Cooper, Brand and Romilly

“Put me in here until the review is over. Because I can’t take much more of this.”

Because once it goes into space it gets so freaking good. I mean positively stellar. Matt Damon and the robot and the planets and the ships and the stuff with the thing and the lights and the sci-fi. “We’re gonna make it!” “I can do this.” “Don’t open that airlock.” I loved every minute of the second act. Every last fucking minute. From the effects to the science to the suspense and the emotion it was fantastic. So, it starts off weak but necessarily so. “All is forgiven.” I thought to myself because this movie rocks when it turns into one of the best movie space adventures I’ve seen since Europa Report.

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar

“Europa Report? What’s a Europa Report? This movie has three Oscar winners and the guy who directed Batman. What does your precious Europa Report have? Believability? Psshh”

But for a third act, Interstellar shits all over itself. And not solid and easy to clean up. It sprays diarrhea all over the screen and then the credits roll. I’m sorry for the imagery. It really annoyed me. It literally felt to me like M. Night Shyamalan directed the third act. From the grown up Murphy suddenly realizing that her childhood “ghost” was her father, to Cooper explaining quantum time mechanics or something equally mind-boggling-ly complex in Morse code, to the Starblazers and Battlestar Galactica style convoy leaving the Earth behind with no destination and suddenly being able to grow food. Swing and a miss, Nolans. I still love you both madly but… swing… and… a… miss.

Arrrgh! (I usually put a conclusion here but I just felt like screaming this time) Arrrgh!

– Mel

Catwoman vs. Black Widow (Poll Results)

Catwoman Wins

In my most successful poll to date, (33 people voted) pitting this summer’s babes-in-black head to head, based I suppose on popularity& hotness, Catwoman wins 61% to 39%.

Congratulations to Catwoman on her glorious victory.

What does she win?

I’m thinking a spin-off prequel starring Anne Hathaway.

But maybe that’s just me.

Anyway, If you need me, I’ll be consoling Black Widow in the Batcave.

(what’s that you say? You can’t have Black Widow in the Batcave because she’s Marvel & the Cave is DC? Shut Up. It’s my fantasy)

– Mel

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The Dark Knight Rises vs. The Avengers (Round 3)

Now that I have seen both movies…

The Directors

Joss Whedon vs. Christopher Nolan

I’m sorry kids I’m going to have to call this fight before it even begins.

There is no contest.

Joss Whedon, though I love him dearly, makes great TV.

Serenity is a fantastic made for TV movie. Genius and enjoyable. But in the end it’s just a super-sized double episode of Firefly. Crowd pleasing as hell, yes but nothing more. Avengers is the same but with a much much much bigger budget & higher-priced talent. Extra heavy on the crowd pleasing and a great time at the movies.

But Christopher Nolan makes films. Rich tapestries. Carefully woven stories. Movies that make you think.  And make you pay attention. Amazingly well-made movies. Like all 3 Batman films, Inception, Memento & more

The Dark Knight Rises is, in my opinion, a better film than the Avengers in almost every way.

It will not make as much money but it is better.

Where The Avengers is an amusement park ride that once its over you want to get back in line and go again (A lot of fun and will make shit-tons of money). The Dark Knight Rises is a story. It’s a novel that you will want to pick up over and over discovering something new each time. It rounds out the trilogy so beautifully that they become one amazing Batman story.

Batman Begins (which I like more since the third movie) The Dark Knight (a great film even without Heath Ledgers’ performance) & The Dark Knight Rises form my 3rd favorite trilogy of all-time.

(after Star Wars & Lord of the Rings but if you didn’t know that by now, where you been?)

And the great performances, another mark of a Christopher Nolan film are there as well. This one has great turns by Anne Hathaway & Marion Cotillard & Joseph Gordon Levitt but all three films have wonderful acting from Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman & Christian Bale among others.

Did I say yet that I loved The Dark Knight Rises?

I loved The Dark Knight Rises.

Especially Anne Hathaway.

She is outstanding.

But I was already in love with her. Now it’s just official.

And Tom Hardy as Bane is immensely enjoyable.

Though I would have liked a better voice for him, (It sounded sometimes like he was speaking off camera) he does a sensational job with the character and the character’s emotions without ever having to show his face.

And before I start getting into spoilers, I’m going to end it right there.

But suffice it to say the ending of this movie made me do a little dance in my seat (and it wasn’t because I had to go pee… it’s 2 & a half hours long so it wasn’t ENTIRELY because I had to go pee)

– Mel

P.S. spoilers are allowed in the comments section