LOGAN: The Death of the Comic Book Movie (The Birth of the Comic Book Genre)

This is not a review, in the ordinary sense of the word. No, this is a prolonged insult, a gob of spit in the face of Art, a kick in the pants of Gods, X-Men, Destiny, Time, Love, Storm, Rogue, Beauty… Comic Books.

Logan: The Death of a the Comic Book Movie (The Birth of the Comic Book Genre)

…Or this is just me rambling on about movies and comic books as usual.

Logan (20th Century Fox)

Directed by James Mangold

Written by Scott Frank, James Mangold & Michael Green

Starring Hugh JackmanPatrick StewartRichard E. GrantBoyd HolbrookStephen Merchant & Dafne Keen

“I get the feeling this review is gonna hurt, kid. The kind of pain that doesn’t heal. You know what I mean?” “Of course I do. I’m extraordinarily wise for a lab experiment… oh yeah and I can drive.”

Make no mistake, people. Logan is not a good film. It’s not a good superhero film or a good western. Even as it tries to compare its own shit writing to the classic western Shane (SACRILEGE!!!), it is not a good movie, period. But what it is, what Logan turns out to be, is the latest in a welcome trend. A regular movie that just happens to star a comic book superhero. Not a superhero movie. Not a comic book movie. There are comic books in the movie. Wolverine waves them around from time to time, if that helps to put the character in context. But that’s about it. And it does not.

“You see, in this reality they made us into comic book superheroes for their kids but still hunted us down like dogs… because that makes total sense.”

Wolverine, everyone’s favorite X-Man, has had three solo movies. The first and the third have been complete bullshit. The second, however, is one of my favorite comic book movies of all-time. The second Wolverine is an homage to his stand alone title. It is a perfect replica. The pacing. The cinematography. This is The Wolverine. This is the comic that I collected from issue ONE. I say this all the time and I will say it here again. “If you do not respect the source material do not take on the job of bringing it to the screen.” But I was about to tell you what this awful movie Logan means for the industry.

“Awful? Well that’s just harsh. Play that Johnny Cash song again. I think I’m gonna cry.””

The first sci-fi genre was a straight space adventure. Trip To The Moon. The second was The vampire Film. Nosferatu. Since those two, we’ve had tons of space adventures and tons of takes on the vampire. These are tried and true genres that once every decade somebody tries to reinvent and breathe new life into. But also there are other types of movies that aren’t as flexible. They come and go from era to era. They disappear and have resurgences. Like the western or the gladiator movie. These are just types of movies not genres. (in this context anyway. Because words can be tricky)

“I will kill you all with my Star Wars Prequel Yoda-like, physics defying, aerial acrobatics because I am a cartoon character in a serious movie!!! ARRRGH!!!”

In the past, the superhero movie was a type. (type vs genre) It was a costumed adventure. Fight the bad guy. Save the girl. Save the world. Period. End of story. There were a few comedy bits thrown in but mostly it was the superhero’s tale. But these types of movies are coming to an end. Their time has passed. Logan is not a comic book movie. It just happens to star a character from a comic book. And that is awesome. (Even while the movie Logan is not that awesome).

“Say my movie is bad one more time. I dare you… Bub.” *snikt

Logan is not a western either, by the way. I read that somewhere. I disagree whole-heartedly. It thinks it’s a western, but it’s not. If anything it’s a post-apocalyptic survival story like Mad Max: Fury Road. But instead of a global apocalypse, Logan is about the mutant apocalypse. The chase to hunt down the last mutants. At the start of this movie all but three mutants are dead. Professor X, Callaban and Wolverine. By the end of this movie… no spoilers but everywhere you look people are saying this is the last Wolverine movie. This is the last Wolverine movie. So you figure it out. And don’t talk to me about the kids. They were made in a lab (*see note). So not a natural mutation. Logan, the end of the Wolverine franchise, is some dark stuff.

*note: Wolverine’s adamantium skeleton was added in a lab but his mutation, his healing factor (Deadpool has the same thing but that too is from a lab) and Wolverine’s heightened senses (smell mostly) are a natural mutation. Of course the movie Logan all but ignores his sense of smell. It’s almost like the writers never read the comic books… but anyway. What was I saying? Oh yes.

“Wolverine, would you please tell Mel to stay on topic.” “He doesn’t listen to me, Professor.”

The comic book superhero is officially a film genre and not a type of movie now. And I know I’m not using the right words but bear with me. Because the word genre can fit for both of these categories of things and it gets confusing. The way I’m differentiating here is in the ways they can be presented. Some film types are the same no matter what. Different plot. Different characters. But you know the beats. Romantic Comedy. You get the gist. International Spy Thriller. You know what you’re going to get. Gladiator films changed from Roman to Martial Arts but they generally stayed the same. The Comic Book Movie was just like that not too long ago. Dark or Light. Marvel or DC. Nolan’s Batman, Donner’s Superman, Whedon’s Avengers and Raimi’s Spiderman are all the same fucking films. Like the western. It was a box. You could throw whatever superhero you wanted into it and the beats would always be generally the same. I’m not saying they are all the same quality because they are not. And there’s nothing wrong with opening up a box, knowing what you’re going to get and still being pleasantly surprised. It’s hard to like movies unless you’re okay with that.

“Wait… Are you the vampire, Callaban? And does that make me the Zombie? I don’t get it.”

But then you have the full on classic genre that’s not beholding to any style. Vampires. Are probably the best example. There are no rules. You can have a space opera with vampires. You can have a rom com with vampires or a western. Most recently Zombies have become the go to for putting them wherever the fuck you want. If you made a section of vampire movies it would make no sense. There would actually be more types of movies than you could shake a stick at under the vampire genre. Comic book superheroes are now officially crossing into that zone. And I’m psyched. The R rated comic book film with no crime to fight, no world to save… fuck yeah.

“Did somebody call for a super-villain? That isn’t really super or necessarily a villain. Just a misguided corporate stooge who blindly follows orders. Did somebody call for a misguided corporate stooge who blindly follows orders?”

And again I’m talking Sherlock Holmes in space type shit. Not just some detective. I’m talking about recognizable comic book superheroes in all kinds of movie boxes. Not just some generic superhero they made up that’s supposed to remind us of stuff from the comics, but the name-brand heroes from the comics. It’s time for a Batman movie where he never puts on the cape. Just a detective story or a revenge tale. One of my favorite aspects of The Hulk movie (still my favorite comic book adaptation) is the romance between Liv Tyler and Ed Norton. And that’s what the Hulk was for me when I was a kid, a romance. Stop trying to make him into a superhero. He’s not a superhero. He’s a monster in love. Spider-man as a teen drama would be nice. Sure he’s still the spider-man but that’s not the movie. The movie is about a kid trying to finish high school. Stop it with the super-villains. Enough already. We get it.

“Logan, do you remember that Star Trek episode where Captain Picard has a full life and grows old in a simulated tribute to an alien species?” “No I didn’t watch that nerd crap.” “I wish that was what this was. Because this movie is depressing as fuck.”

So anyway, what Logan represents to me is the death of the comic book movie. We saw the beginnings in Winter Soldier… that’s more of a spy thriller than comic book. And Deadpool… an R rated fourth wall comedy, a parody of itself. The comic book movie as movie type, is burning itself out. There will still be tons made, because you know how it takes Hollywood a couple of decades before they get the point, but we’re already getting tired of them. Bring on the comic book heroes in regular movies. These are great classic characters. They don’t have to fight The Riddler every week. That’s just their job. It doesn’t have to also be the movie plot.

“Here Lies The Superhero Movie Genre… I mean Movie Type… May It Rest In Peace… I mean Pieces. – Hugh Jackman.”

So Logan, this mediocre, unbelievably corny and poorly written take on The Wolverine, really wasn’t that great of a movie from where I was sitting (seat L10 right behind the wheelchair section because, you know, leg room ftw). Even though Hugh Jackman is great as Wolverine, here he reminded me of Arnold Schwarzenegger coming back to play the Terminator one last time… nostalgic. And to tell the truth, I didn’t see Wolverine in Logan at all. I saw the actor who plays Wolverine and a character with claws who references the comic books like that’s enough. That’s not enough.

“Daddy?” “Yes Laura… wait. Did you just call me daddy? Damn, maybe Mel is right. This is some corny ass shit.” “I have to go to the bathroom.” “Hold it. We’re almost there.” “AARRRRGH!!” “Really? Again with the screaming?”

But what I also saw, in the theater, and on the screen, is what it means for comic book movies going forward… a whole new set of rules. The possibilities are endless. Creativity run amok. And that shit was better than the movie. That shit was beautiful.

– Mel

The Comic Book Movie is dead.

Long Live the Comic Book Genre.

Spared or Spoiled Reviews: Harley Quinn & The Suicide Squad (with apologies to the BvS Ultimate Edition)

The rules are simple. The good get spared. The bad get spoiled.

(Unless Joker hijacks this review and makes it all about Harley)

Harley Quinn

“You heard the man. It’s all about me.”

Suicide Squad (Warner Bros. Pictures)

Nope.

Harley Quinn & The Suicide Squad (From the nincompoops at Warner Bros)

Harley Quinn Suicide Squad Poster

Written & Directed by David Ayer  Based on a Character from DC Comics

Starring Margot RobbieWill SmithJared LetoMargot RobbieJoel KinnamanViola DavisJai CourtneyJay Hernandez, Margot Robbie Adewale Akinnuoye-AgbajeIke BarinholtzScott Eastwood & Cara Delevingne and Margot Robbie

Let’s get right to it. I really liked this movie. And no one’s forcing me to say that. But I think a lot of what I liked had to do with Margot Robbie’s Harley and Jared Leto’s Joker. So granted I would have liked it better had it just been about those two. And also I agree that the beginning is disjointed and wordy. And after having to sit through all the origin stories, and how each character has their own theme song, and how all the songs are movie cliché needle drops, and how DC comics sucks at making movies (and comics), and how Warner Bros execs have screwed up the last three comic book titles they’ve put out. Knowing all of that. Knowing all that failure that was baked-in from before the opening credits… Suicide Squad ends up being a pretty good film (about the epic love story of Harley Quinn and The Joker: Partners in Mayhem. A movie I have re-titled as Harley Quinn & The Suicide Squad). In my completely un-coerced opinion it is the best DC comics movie since Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight.

But that’s not saying much.

suicide-squad-margot-robbie-harley-quinn

“Look Puddin’ I’m a meme… But that’s none of my business.”

And I’d like to add, of my own freewill, that Jared Leto is the best Joker since Mark Hamill redefined the role, rescuing it from Jack Nicholson’s awful interpretation. And since Heath Ledger broke the part by actually becoming the Joker and then dying. Jared Leto is amazing, but not in the film nearly enough.

And here’s the part where he tells you he’s not going to spoil the movie for you because that would be wrong.

Verdict: SPARED

Harley Quinn in Suicide Squad

“I make this look good.”

I saw Suicide Squad at the NYC premiere and I was expecting a mess of a movie on the same level as Batman v Superman. but I wasn’t as disgusted as I thought I would be. It was alright. No seriously. No one’s holding a gun to my head or anything. I actually liked it.

Don’t look at ME.

Batman from Suicide Squad

Joker & Harley’s Batman-sized car ornament shaped like Ben Affleck.

By the way, dear readers, I watched the Ultimate Edition of Batman v Superman before going. And at well over three hours long, I see why they needed to cut some shit out (language). The idiots at Warner succeeded in cutting out the movie’s heart. Every cut was wrong. Completely fucking wrong (LANGUAGE). What needed to be cut were special effects shots and explosions and large expensive set pieces. But what they cut out was story and coherence and good performances and logic. And what was left is more like the producers flung excrement at the screen and proclaimed proudly “Look mommy. I made a stinky.” And we’re all expected to hang it on the fridge like proud parents.

Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn in Suicide Squad

“I really like this guy.”

I wanted to do a blog post on how much better the Ultimate Edition is from the theatrical release but it was just paragraph after paragraph of me cursing about how fuck**g stupid (Better) the studio was in their cutting and slashing and justifying. And I get it; They needed a shorter movie so they could squeeze in another showing in a day and make the studio more money in the first month. But after that month was over, maybe they should have put it all back again or made the cuts I suggest here, respecting story and logic. Cuts to BvS that go against every instinct in their expensive business suit wearing bodies.

suicide-squad

“Just tell me… where… they… are.” “Easy, Vasquez… um… ALIENS… Rent it.”

“You can’t cut this special effects shot,” They’d say. “It cost us millions.”

You know what cost you millions? Putting that crap in theaters the way you butchered it, ASSHOLES (I’ll allow it). Now you see why I didn’t do a blog post.

Jared Leto as The Joker in Suicide Squad

“Woooooo.”

But what were we talking about… Oh yes. Suicide Squad (Excuse me). I mean Harley Quinn & The Suicide Squad. The movie is fun and cool and the characters are interesting and full of Bad Good Guys and Good Bad Guys, however you want to look at it. But it’s the casting here that truly shines. The actors are all amazing. Even Cara Delevingne who still can’t act but is not as annoying as she usually is in other movies. But you know it’s all about my girl Margot. Long-time readers of my blog will know how much I love her and think that if they let her play something other than the hot girl she’d really show us something (Other than her ass). And of course Jared and Will can each carry a movie. Both guys can go above the title, and for good reason. They are all sensational in it. The cast is not to blame for the weak quality. Not at all.

Will Smith and Margot Robbie in Suicide Squad

“See. I told ya we’d hook ya up. Did I lie?” “Aren’t you cold in that?” “I’m crazy.” “Crazy hot.”

What I had a problem with was the crowd pleasing classic movie tunes. Not because they are all over-used needle drops. But because there were so many of them. Each character had their own rock song intro theme and it was too much and too cheesy. Actually the entire first half hour was hokey and awkward. But once they get past the sloppy-ass way they introduce the characters, the movie is pretty decent. The relationships feel real. The characters are three-dimensional and the actors do a great job. This is a DC comics movie, so all the characters are extremely paper-thin from the start. Marvel has always had more depth in their heroes (Careful). One of the reasons I never picked up any DC titles as a kid was they were all so dumb (Except for Batman). Except for Batman. So when I say three-dimensional characters, I mean more like origami or paper airplanes. The actors themselves add more depth and save a flimsy premise populated by minor characters defined by their countries of origin. They don’t call DC; Dumb Comics for nothing. I get it. She’s Japanese and he’s Australian. He’s got a boomerang and she’s got a katana. I’ll try not to feel insulted (Geez. This guy’s a real spoil sport).

Margot Robbie and Jared Leto in Suicide Squad

“You’re gonna like this part, my dear.” “Don’t call me my dear. I’m your doctor.” “You wanna play doctor?” “That’s not what I meant.”

But having said that, I found the Harley and Joker story very enjoyable. I thought Margot Robbie did an exceptional job balancing the crazy with the sexy. Marrying the homicidal with the likable. Just when you’re thinking she’s just the hot chick, or just the girl, or you’re staring at her ass, she cracks your skull open with a mallet and laughs at your corpse. Somehow though I think Jared Leto, and his “method” acting may have even helped her… in a weird way. And Will Smith, I’m sorry, he can’t play a bad-guy. Not really. So it’s hard to paint him as a villain. But he tries to sneer every once in a while to sell it. But what Will is good at is making the action look cool and he does. However his quiet scenes with Margot are some of the best in the movie.

And I can’t wait for the Joker and Harley movie to come out. What a great relationship those two have. I’d buy that video tape from my local Blockbuster video store for sure.

Harley and Joker the movie

“That was nice but ya know Blockbuster’s outta bizness right?” “You’re outta business.”

Harley Quinn & The Suicide Squad is better than the critics say and a thousand times better than Batman v Superman. And, in my opinion, it’s worth the price of admission. Unless of course you want substance (Hey). There’s very little of substance (Uncool). It’s not substantial at all. It’s mostly fluff (Watch it, you). But it’s fun fluff (That’s better). Gun to my head, I’d even buy the Blu-ray (I’ll get my REAL gun). And like I said, it’s the best DC comic book movie since The Dark Knight.

But again, dear reader, that’s not saying much.

– Mel

(J.) Voiced by Mark Hamill of course

5 Quick Reviews of 5 Movies on DVD (Bad Movie Edition)

So sure. I’m calling this a Bad Movie Edition of my 5 Quick Reviews series but it’s more of a Sci-fi Fantasy Edition or a Five Movies That Are Bad But You’ll Probably Still Check Them Out Edition.

The Queens

“Did you hear that, sister? Mel wants us to check them out.” “Why aren’t you dead?”

This is a strange quintet. All five films could be considered sequels or part of a series. They all have great casting. But every single one has a fatal flaw. So maybe I should have called this the Fatal Flawed Movie Edition.

Joker

“I’ll show YOU a fatal flaw.”

But to tell you the truth, I’ve been so busy, I didn’t give it much thought. I have so many reviews on my hard-drive. I’m so far behind. I didn’t even bother to give you a recrap of these movies. Recrap is my own word. It’s when you try to do a recap of a shitty movie like it was good. Recrap. So this is the phoning it in edition. Yes! That’s it. All five directors knew, going in, that they had an audience because fans of the source material were already going to see these films. So they phoned it in.

And so did I…

This is the Phoning It In Edition.

(but honestly I’m too indifferent to get up the energy to even change the title)

To the reviews…

X-Men: Apocalypse (20th Century Fox)

X-Men Apocalypse

Directed by Bryan Singer

Written by Simon Kinberg and Bryan Singer, Michael Dougherty & Dan Harris  Based on X-Men by Stan Lee & Jack Kirby

Starring James McAvoyMichael FassbenderJennifer LawrenceOscar IsaacNicholas HoultRose ByrneEvan PetersTye SheridanSophie Turner & Olivia Munn

Wow! what a bad movie. Bad writing and bad directing. There’s really nothing more I can say. A disappointing display. People knock the X-Men original series but all three are better than this piece of shit. X-Men Apocalypse is awful.

X-men Apocalypse Cerebro

Love this cast. Honestly, what a group. With the welcome addition of two of my favorite young actresses; Olivia Munn and Sophie Turner. There is nothing wrong with the cast. But that’s the only thing good here. The rest is shit.

Cyclops and Jean Grey from X-Men Apocalypse

X-Men Apocalypse is the worst X-Men movie ever made. It is horrible in every way imaginable. This stellar cast deserved a lot better than this.

Skip it.

NEXT!!!

Allegiant (Summit Entertainment)

Divergent-Allegiant-Movie-Poster

Directed by Robert Schwentke

Written by Stephen Chbosky, Bill Collage, Adam Coper & Noah Oppenheim  Based on Allegiant by Veronica Roth

Starring Shailene WoodleyTheo JamesJeff DanielsOctavia SpencerRay StevensonZoë KravitzMiles TellerAnsel ElgortMaggie QBill Skarsgård & Naomi Watts

These movies are pointless but this one has some decent tech and an interesting story. I’m guessing these are better books. Allegiant is better than the second one at least but the whole idea of factions was what made the first one just a little more interesting even though it was just as bad as the next two. Am I making any sense? It’s bad. Okay?

The-Divergent-Series-Allegiant1

I’m glad it’s over. It’s over right? Tell me it’s over. I also have a strange observation. I like the actress, Shailene Woodley, but her body grew up and her face did not. She looks like a baby head on a grown woman. The body of a thirty year old well-fit woman and the head of a toddler. It’s disconcerting.

Shailene Woodley from Alegiant

That’ll be enough out of you, Divergent Series. You’ve over-stayed your welcome.

Skip it.

NEXT!!!

Everybody Wants Some!! (Paramount Pictures)

Everybody Wants Some!!

Written & Directed by Richard Linklater

Starring Will BrittainZoey DeutchRyan GuzmanTyler HoechlinBlake JennerGlen Powell & Wyatt Russell

Everybody Wants Some!! is classic Linklater and in my book that’s just fine with me. The man is one of my cinematic heroes. An artist with entirely his own style. I love everything he does. Everybody Wants Some!! is a sort of sequel to Dazed and Confused.

Everybody Wants Some Matthew McConaughey

My big problem with Everybody Wants Some!! is one of the central jokes or themes of it. In it. About it. Whatever. Everyone… Every mother fucking person in this movie is playing Matthew McConaughey. ALL OF THEM. The women. The men. Everybody is doing a McConaughey impression. It’s funny at first then becomes a bit creepy as it continues for the entire film.

Everybody Wants Some Alright Alright Alright

Everybody Wants Some!! is an amazingly entertaining film where little to nothing happens but “Life” happens. You know… classic Linklater but I need to tell you that everyone in this thing is playing a version of Matthew McConaughey from movies or appearances throughout his life and career. That’s the joke.

Everybody Wants Some

ALL of the characters are Matthew. But I still loved this quirky piece of shit. Linklater can do no wrong. The man is a god.

Rent it.

NEXT!!!

Batman: The Killing Joke (Warner Bros. Pictures)

Batman The Killing Joke

Directed by Sam Liu

Written by Brian Azzarello  Based on Batman: The Killing Joke by Brian Bolland and Alan Moore

Starring Kevin ConroyMark HamillTara Strong & Ray Wise

ATTENTION: IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION AND I SPOIL THIS MOVIE AND THE COMIC BOOK TERRIBLY IN THIS QUICK REVIEW.

IF YOU DON’T WANT TO SPOIL THIS FILM OR DON’T KNOW THE STORY OF THE COMIC THEN DON’T READ THIS REVIEW.

SPOILER ALERT!!!

This is a mistake. You can’t screw up a great story like this. I know it’s a little too dark for the animated world but it’s the whole point of the story. Batman finally realizes that it’s pointless. Joker’s too dangerous to lock up. Too unpredictable to leave in Arkham Asylum. Too smart to underestimate. And too sadistic to let live. He paralyzes poor Barbara just for shits and giggles, so Batman kills him. Batman kills Joker. He breaks his neck at the end. You don’t have to agree with Batman’s decision but don’t change the story. Then it’s not the same story and you just piss me off.

batman-the-killing-joke-batgirl

The ending is not ambiguous in the comic book. No matter how uncomfortable it makes you because Batman kills someone, it is a great story. The only thing uncomfortable about the animated adaptation is that Batgirl sleeps with her boss. It’s kind of weird.

Barbara and her gay friend in Killing Joke

Batman: The Killing Joke is just that… a joke; They could have really told a dark and powerful Batman story but they didn’t and it kills me. And yeah the whole first part with Barbara Gordon and her awkward relationship with The Dark Knight is strange at best but I was thinking they were adding an extra layer to the final joke. Nope. She’s annoying. Her gay best friend is annoying. And it doesn’t change the fact that they wimp out in the end.

The-Killing-Joke

I’m watching that first part thinking okay this is good they’re making it more personal so they can justify the final act. But no. But no such luck. But go ahead and rent it anyway. It’s a wonderful story after the initial 30 minutes of Bat-Girlyness are over.

Rent it.

and Lastly…

The Huntsman Winter’s War (Universal Pictures)

Huntsman-Winters-War-poster

Directed by Cedric Nicolas-Troyan

Written by Evan Spiliotopoulos & Craig Mazin  Based on Characters by Evan DaughertyThe Snow Queen by Hans Christian AndersenSnow White by The Brothers Grimm

Starring Chris HemsworthCharlize TheronEmily BluntNick FrostSam ClaflinRob Brydon & Jessica Chastain and Narrated by Liam Neeson

I think I liked the first movie. I didn’t like this one very much. It plods along awkwardly. It starts off as a prequel and then suddenly turns into a sequel. It’s almost like they want you to pause the film and watch the first one because it’s easy to get lost and they just jump over the events of the first Huntsman movie and if you don’t remember it you can get a bit lost. I got a little lost but it’s gorgeous to look at.

The Huntsman Winter's War

I liked the story of Winter’s War, even the true-love elements which can seem a little corny. Like a romantic fairy-tale and that’s the point. So I don’t blame the story for the movie being bad. I blame the direction. Instead of playing up the fairy-tale elements, thus making the true-love theme fit the movie, the director plays up the epic quest a little too much and it feels like the romance is weirdly out-of-place.

The Lovers The Huntsman Winter's War

Winter’s War is a tough movie to like. But I did like the story. I just thought it was badly directed. I guess it’s worth a look. But in my opinion, the first one, with Snow White, is way better. Though Emily Blunt and Jessica Chastain are both amazing.

Rent it.

So To Recap…

There were two movies about awkward love affairs between bad-ass warriors shoehorned into classic stories; Batman: The Killing Joke and The Huntsman Winter’s War. In one case I wanted to see a lot more of the romance, In the other, a lot less.

There were two movies about a group of awkward teens with special powers on the run from an oppressive government and a powerful enemy; Allegiant and X-Men Apocalypse. One of them a below average ending to a great series, the other, a welcome ending to a bad series.

And one movie where absolutely nothing happens in it. And it stars Matthew McConaughey; Everybody Wants Some!!. Except that a lot happens and Matthew McConaughey isn’t even in it. So yeah…

And that’s it.

I’m playing catch-up so there should be a bunch of posts in a row, if everything goes according to plan (but when has Everything been known to do that?)

Never, that’s when.

Jessica Chastain

Jessica knows what I’m talking about.

Wish me luck.

– Mel

The 10 Worst Things About Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

When they make the end of year lists, Batman v Superman will be at the top of everyone’s worst films of the year. It is god-awful. I’m sure I’m not the first to say it and I won’t be the last. Batman v Superman is terrible. I went to see it on Times Square in a full house and the crowd started to try to entertain themselves. You know a movie is bad when kids are falling asleep and the best parts happen in the seats behind you.

MILD SPOILERS.

Except for the fact that I tell you the movie is bad and I guess that could be a big spoiler.

Here is my list of the ten worst things about…

Batman v Superman : Dawn of Justice (Warner Bros. Pictures)

BVS Poster

Directed by Zack Snyder

Written by Chris Terrio & David S. Goyer  Based on Characters published by DC Comics

Starring Ben AffleckHenry CavillAmy AdamsJesse EisenbergDiane LaneLaurence FishburneJeremy IronsHolly Hunter & Gal Gadot

A movie that will be at the top of nearly everyone’s worst films of 2016. Mark my words.

It’s that bad.

#10 The Destruction is Excessive AGAIN.

batman-vs-superman-fight

This is not that big a deal but I thought they had handled the vast amount of destruction when they use it as a reason for Batman to go after the man of steel this time out. But then they go and destroy Gotham just like they did Metropolis. Ever think about leading the monsters away from the city? No? Okay but how about when they go away from the city and it’s pointed out to the audience that they’ve gone away from the city, that the good guys don’t actually lure it back to the city? You don’t have to bring the monster to the (portable) weapon. You can bring the weapon to the monster. And don’t tell me it was okay because they were in a run down part of town. Still destroying stuff. Still killing people. Just not rich people.

#9 They Don’t Explain The Science Behind Anything.

Batman-V-Superman-Doomsday

Lazy writing. They don’t explain Doomsday. They don’t explain Kryptonite. They don’t explain Wonder Woman. They don’t explain all of the other Justice League. They don’t explain Lex Luthor’s database. Or anything to do with anyone’s “secret” identities. You just have to know these things already. I’d say it was a movie for people who already know the comic books. That sound you hear is people in the theater trying to explain to their friends what the hell’s going on.

#8 There Are Too Many Dream Sequences.

I am the Night

The movie is two and a half hours long. They could have cut the dream sequences in favor of a little excitement. There are three dream sequences and all but the last half of the last one are meaningless to the story. Something interesting happens in the last half of the last dream that may or may not have been a dream but since they had already established the Batman’s penchant for day dreaming, it just seems weird and pointless. They could have used the time wasted on dreams to explain shit better.

#7 The Interesting Parts in the Trailer are from Dream Sequences.

batman-v-superman-dream

This was so annoying. Because all those cool scenes with Batman tied up and Superman un-masks him. And Batman fighting countless Superman acolytes, are fucking dreams. So if you’re watching the trailer and you’re wondering how he gets tied up and you’re waiting for this or that cool scene… Batman is asleep.

# 6 Jesse Eisenberg is wasted (and he’s good… he just has nothing good to say)

batman-v-superma-lex luthorThe best thing about the movie (and there is not a lot to choose from) is Jesse Eisenberg’s performance as Lex Luthor and he has nothing good to say. At one point they have him mangle a passage from Lolita and I nearly threw up in my mouth… so close. He’s great as Lex Luthor except that Lex Luthor says some of the dumbest shit ever on-screen. All those cool lines from the trailer that are out of context. They have more context in the trailer than they do in the movie. The dialogue is incredibly bad.

#5 Amy Adams is Wasted (and I love her)

batman-v-superman-love story

If you’ve read my blog for any length of time then you know of my undying love for Amy Adams. Amy Adams is a waste as Lois Lane. Except for in the best two or three seconds of the movie toward the beginning when she’s being held by a guy with a gun… no spoilers. There’s this look. It’s gorgeous. This is a love story. Superman has always been a love story since the beginning, but it’s like these guys forgot to bring the love. There’s that one moment when Amy Adams shines above the material and then everything else that comes out of her mouth is stupid.

#4 The Story is Crap.

Batman v Superman religious imagery

The story is full of holes and stupid things and idiotic leaps of logic. The main conflict is that people think Superman went to the desert (that’s what they call it) to shoot a bunch of people with guns. No really. But the bullets were special. (these were bullets used to kill regular human beings, so they could just be regular bullets but no) And we all know Superman didn’t shoot those people because of the special bullets. There are a thousand other things but I promised no spoilers. The story is horrible and full of holes.

#3 The Dialogue is Stupid.

Batman v Superman Clark and Bruce and Lex

The dialogue is so bad. It sounds like it was written in a dead language, mistranslated by a team of linguistic experts who couldn’t come to a consensus so they left huge sections blank, into English, into Spanish, then translated into Portuguese (except half the translators are from Brazil and the other half are from Portugal) and then finally back into English as part of a tenth grade midterm assignment the student barely passed with a D. Nobody talks like that. What is wrong with these people?

#2 The Movie is Boring.

batman-v-superman-joker

That’s right. A movie billed as one big fight scene between two of the most popular comic book characters in history is boring as shit. Zack Snyder has no concept of pacing. There were children snoring in the auditorium. One kid woke up and had to ask if Batman and Superman had fought yet. If your comic book movie is putting children to sleep in a crowded theater in the middle of the day, it is boring as hell.

And the number one worst thing about Batman v Superman…

# 1 The Music is Annoying.

batman-v-superman-diana-wonder-woman

The music is the worst thing about Batman v Superman. It is incessant and it is annoying. The music doesn’t seem to know whether a scene is a love scene or a fight scene and it doesn’t care. It just drones on non-stop in a cacophony of ignorant sound. The music is so bad at one particularly and supposedly quiet scene someone in the audience shouted, “Turn the music down.” and everyone applauded. The music is torture. The music makes a bad film even worse.

And that’s the list.

I knew I would hate it. I knew it would be bad. I just didn’t realize how bad.

Batman_v_Superman_Dawn_of_Justice

Batman v Superman is a poorly written, badly directed, terrible film. The story is awful. The pacing is awful. It fails to build excitement for any future DC comic movies. It accomplishes the incredible feat of being worse than Man of Steel.

Even the ending is crap.

After it ended, all I could say was, “What the hell was that?”

Someone shouted, “There’s no after-credits scene.” and someone else answered, “Good.”

– Mel

 

Batman v Superman (All the Trailers Footage cut together)

This is not so bad.

It makes me more hopeful of the movie being decent.

There’s a lot of good stuff here. A whole hell of a lot of bad. But a lot of good.

That’s a lot of footage. The movie is two and a half hours but there’s a good ten minutes of it right there. I kind of get the gist now and while it isn’t the movie I want to see. It might be alright after all. I just hate Zack Snyder so much. I can’t believe he’s doing Justice League too. Whatever.

What do you guys think?

– Mel