To All My Friends (Who’ve Wondered Where I’ve Been)

I know I haven’t been around much lately. Too much anger. Didn’t really want to get it on you. I have a tendency to spew hate when I’m angry. I hate it when the bad guys win… I’ve been experiencing a what-the-fuck few weeks. The American election was hacked and I’m surrounded on all sides by people waiting for their chance to say “I told you so.”

“I told you so.” Among the bodies of the dead.

“I told you so.” Brought to you by the makers of Pepsi and Xanax.

“I told you so.” Translated from the original Russian. (actually, little known fact, it was in German before it was in Russian)

I’ve reached a point in my life where more people are younger than me than older. I’m surrounded on all sides by the children of the damned. Social media misfits more concerned with likes and dislikes. Trolls without bridges. History books unopened. But mouths that will not stay shut.


I haven’t been around much lately because I know me. The thoughts racing through my head should not be shared with anyone. My doctor doesn’t want to know. My lawyer doesn’t want to know. The fake twitter accounts of Russian trolls, who successfully influence the tired liberals into hopelessness and fits of screaming, don’t want to know.

For one misguided instant I considered self-immolation as a form of protest. Nothing else, it seems, can penetrate the walls of the corporate pay-to-play media and so-called social media’s cavernous, echo-amplifying, bottomless pits of ego and frustration. Setting myself on fire in front of some monument to our fallen democracy seemed like a good idea at the time… for like, literally, a second. For like one scary second.

So I’ve been away.

And I apologize. I figure there’s like 25 or 30 people who read my blog. And I love you guys. And I’m going to post some good stuff. Life goes on no matter how dire. I know my friend Alex misses my movie reviews. New shows, some of the best stuff I’ve seen on TV, came and went. Anybody watch Atlanta? That was amazing. Donald Glover is knocking it out of the park on the daily. Speaking of which, my list of the best albums from this year includes more genres than you can shake your rump at. Who knew I’d like Trap Music. OMG I like Trap Music.

Music, Movies, TV, the third chapter of my novel… but politics, fucking politics, pissed me off to such an extent that I couldn’t write but scream. I couldn’t think but scream. I could not talk because all the screaming made me lose my voice.

So I went away. Started meditating again. Got back to temple. Working out. Stopped doing the few remaining vices I’d allowed myself over the past decade. Pizza, Beer, Porn, Masturbation. It’s about time I stopped living like a 13 year boy without adult supervision. I’m gonna be 50 next year. And the US president is going to be Donald J. Tr… I can’t even say it.

The pounds flew off since I stopped eating garbage. It’s amazing how much more money I have in my budget since I stopped drinking. And the energy. The sexual energy. The mental energy. The spiritual energy… it’s through the roof. And now being channeled into less selfish endeavors.


Doing yoga everyday. Getting to the temple at least three times a week. Working on my compassion and my mindfulness and my body. I will require these things to make it through the next few weeks. Let alone the next few years of protests and civil (and uncivil) disobedience. Gotta build my stamina for all the marching and demonstrating. Because, as you know, Donald J. Tr… I still can’t say it.

I’ll never be able to say it.

What is the true nature of reality? We see things as we want them or don’t want them to be. Sometimes a fantasy. And sometimes as our worst fears realized. We label situations and phenomena as good or bad. As helpful or unhelpful. As progress and advancement or… as the… the nightmarish, back-sliding, hateful, racist hell-scape that I can’t seem to wake up from. Somebody please wake me up.


I meditate to find love for the seemingly unlovable. I meditate to find focus amidst the din of unchecked voices (un-fact-checked and un-verified). I meditate to find the me that can help and not just criticize. That can pull his weight and not just pull his dick. That can be a calm in the storm and not just more destruction and distraction.

Because it’s looking more and more like we’re going to have to violently overthrow the US government. And I don’t say that lightly. People are going to die. People are going to die because they’ve lost their healthcare and can’t afford their treatments. Because they’ve lost their government jobs as the agencies that protect us, from emotionless and compassion-less corporations, are shuttered one after another. People are going to die because they’ve lost their minds after too many deployments in some foreign distraction called another war. People are going to die.


And we can’t just sit around waiting for a miracle. Like that one time that one guy resigned from being pope because he realized he was too evil and stuff to be pope so he let the cool guy be pope. We can’t wait for that. We can’t wait for lightning to strike his ostentatiously disgusting jet plane as it floats on a cloud of ego or one of his fucking hotels to collapse under the weight of his hubris. We can’t wait for that. And we can’t sit around watching our neighbors die from treatable diseases or complications from dangerous pregnancies or malnutrition. Fucking malnutrition in the 21st century.

So yeah. We need to violently overthrow the US government… but with love. Out of compassion for our fellow human beings these people have to go… on both sides. I will not be governed by hate. And also I will not be governed by hate. So that really no one has to die for idiotic and preventable reasons.

We’ve been hacked. Our election. Our government. Hacked.

And respectfully, the only course of action, after you’ve been hacked, after they infiltrated your system, installed their malware, their trojans, their porn, the only course of action is to unplug the damn computer, and reinstall the operating system.

I went away.

But I’m back.

I’m going to see Rogue One tomorrow. So I’ll let you guys know how I like it. I’m going to post all my reviews and stuff over the holiday season. There’s a lot. You know I didn’t even realize it was the holidays. This is usually my least favorite time of year (except for the Doctor Who special). Because I’m alone and everything about this time is geared toward family and friends and stuff. But ever since I’ve rediscovered my faith, going to temple and Dharma classes and meditation, I don’t feel so alone.

I feel great actually. This is the best I’ve felt in a long time. The healthiest I’ve been mentally, spiritually and physically. The best.

And to think, I owe it all to the rigged, hacked, fraudulent and fucked up election of Donald J. Tr… you know what, I still can’t say it.

You guys thank him for me.

See ya tomorrow after Rogue One (unless I’m too hyped to post anything but OMG OMG OMG OMG then I’ll post on Saturday after Dharma class)

Now watch this 2 minute video.

– Mel

Spared or Spoiled Reviews: Warcraft

The rules are simple. The good get spared. The bad get spoiled.

Warcraft: The Beginning (Universal Pictures)

Directed by Duncan Jones

Written by Charles Leavitt, Duncan Jones and Chris Metzen  Based on Warcraft by Blizzard Entertainment

Starring Travis FimmelPaula PattonBen FosterDominic CooperToby KebbellBen SchnetzerRobert Kazinsky & Daniel Wu

Warcraft: The Beginning is so much better than I thought it would be. I have always loved the cut scenes from World of Warcraft. The cut scenes in that game are extremely cinematic. They are the best thing about the game. They are incredible. So, I knew Warcraft the movie could never compete with those tiny animated scenes (that are amazingly bad-ass. I kid you not). So I didn’t expect much. I also read a lot of people saying that it’s the worst movie from this year. I couldn’t agree less. I liked it a lot. It was nowhere near as good as the cut scenes in the video game but honestly that would have been nearly impossible.

Verdict: SPARED

Warcraft 6

If you have never played WoW (World of Warcraft) then I get that a lot of the joy of this film is lost on you. I get it. But Warcraft: The Beginning is a perfect video game movie. The best of all time in my opinion. It combines so may aspects of game play into its story. And because of the way it’s filmed, it’s almost too familiar. It is a joy to watch.

Warcraft 4

And that’s because most of Warcraft was green screen or blue screen, the locations are perfect replicas of the game rooms and locations. To the point where I achieved wood. Not a half chub but a full on chubby walnuts. Forget how bad the acting was. The film was gorgeous and I was fully aroused.


And still I get it. The acting is not that good. Neither is the dialogue. But the story is familiar and the look is perfect and the actors are good at the physical parts. Like for instance I tried to watch Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and the actors were great actors but they couldn’t do the physical parts, so they either slowed down the action for them or just put it off camera which is maddening because you want to see the kills in a zombie movie (am I right?) and I couldn’t even watch it. I turned it off. That’s why there will be no P&P&Z review. This is also why Tom Cruise has all the money in the world. He’s a great actor AND he can do the physical parts. You have to find a happy medium people. I’m tired of good actors who obviously can’t handle a sword or throw a punch and I’m also tired of these athletic types who look awesome doing action but can’t act for shit. Warcraft finds a center. The actors aren’t great thespians but they’re okay and they look good doing the physical bits. Warcraft is pretty awesome.

Warcraft 7

I’m sorry if you didn’t like it. It’s not for you. It’s for the fans. I was a fan of WoW. Okay I was a fan of WoW up until it got racist RANT ALERT like soon after Obama was elected. For those of you fuckers who blame Obama for all the rampant racism, I can remember that time. I understand your confusion. Because when Obama got elected the motherfucking racists lost their motherfucking minds. I couldn’t stay in anything resembling a chat room in the game. I couldn’t visit the cities. I couldn’t find a guild. It was awful. It was aggressive and it was moderated by sympathetic racist puppets. I’m sorry. I’m getting angry. Because I complained all the time. They even suspended me when I started to fight back against it. (They suspended ME) But anyway. I really loved the game I just hated the people playing it.

Warcraft 3

I haven’t played WoW in seven years and just judging by YouTube comments and Facebook and Twitter I’m guessing WoW is still a recruitment tool for the KKK. But this movie (we’re still talking about the movie) is nice to look at and there are no chat channels with the grossest racism that is never reprimanded. Oh my god, I have never been called nigger so much as playing two video games online: the chess app Chess with friends. (There is nothing that pisses off a racist more than a black man beating them in chess), and while playing WoW. Even the people who were in my guild would call some other players niggers and then justify it to me when I objected in the most fucked up ways. They’d say, (I’m sorry but I have to continue this thought) “We’re not trying to be racist. We know you’re black. But these players just act like niggers. You know, like real niggers. That’s all. No offense.”

Warcraft 2

Offense taken. RANT OVER This review got way off track.

Warcraft: The Beginning was entertaining. I plan to buy it. I loved the look. I loved the story. I used to love playing WoW and loved the cut scenes, and Warcraft reminded me of the best parts of that. It was fun to be in the World of Warcraft once again.

Warcraft: The Beginning is like one big video game cut scene with live actors and cool action and I liked it more than I thought I would.


– Mel

Uncle Tom’s Employment Agency

Are you a job creator that could use a “diversity hire” to fill-out a government quota but you’re too afraid you’ll end up with a black radical, black panther or reverse racist?

Mitt Romney

“Binders full of black people, I do not have. So, um… Yes.”


Are you sick and tired of having to check to see if any minorities are around before telling the latest Obama So Black joke at work? I’m talking to you big guy.

“Here’s one you may not have heard. Obama is so black…” Just say yes, Donald. “Yes.”


Do you believe that reverse racism is more than just something white supremacists invented as a way to justify their hatred and hide their political impotence?

“Let me tell you something about the Negro…”

You know what. Don’t answer that last question. Just call…

Uncle Tom’s Employment Agency.

We have the black candidates that wont make you feel insecure about your bigotry.

We have the Negroes for you.

Ben Carson

“This blog post is the worst thing since slavery.”

Uncle Tom’s Employment Agency 

We have the job applicants that will allow you to feel secure about telling racist jokes at the office. Our men have the blackest skin with the most perfect diction. You’d swear they were just normal people by listening to them but trust me they’re all black. You’ll be amazed. And our black women candidates are some of lightest-skinned “sistahs” around. They all self-identify as white women, but don’t you worry. They know which box to check off at tax time and with little to no sass or back talk. In no time at all you’ll be known as An Equal Opportunity Employer.

Amy Holmes

“I’m not black. My father was from Africa. Ah-free-ca. We weren’t slaves.”

The first thing your clients will say when they see your new hire will be “My god! What a credit to his race.” or they’ll ask “She’s only half black isn’t she?” (as if there’s such a thing). And go ahead and tell that aggressively and disgustingly racist joke in front of them. They can take it. They’re just that good.

Allen West

“You’re reading the blog of someone who despises you. I should know. I hate everyone.”

Now here comes the tricky part. After you’ve told your racist joke in front of one of our highly qualified “black” applicants, a few moments will pass (it will seem to everyone in the room as if it’s been long minutes spent in tense silence). Don’t be alarmed. This is done on purpose. The tension build up will make the pay off all the more sweeter as our candidate will laugh at the joke. But not just laugh, he’ll say “Good one.” and “I heard THAT.” and “I can’t wait to tell my wife that one.” (Don’t worry none of our candidates have white wives. That would be wrong)

Clarence Thomas

“I do not respect my wife’s decision to marry a black man… Sorry Honey, I’m under oath.”

All our candidates are skilled in the best fake laughter. You’ll swear he’s pissing his pants while making full eye contact with the “racist joke” teller in the most submissive way possible (without seeming gay of course) and did you know he’ll even give that bigoted individual an extra little smile just to let them know that THIS Negro isn’t one of THOSE.

*Ask about our Black Republicans. Black Yes Men. And Dark-Skinned Right-Wing Pundits who will agree begrudgingly to the most hateful racist rhetoric with a nervous smile. (as seen on Fox News)

Michael Steele

” Now everybody be cool. He’s not calling us Uncle Toms. It’s just the name of the agency.”

Uncle Tom’s Employment Agency

Make sure to ask your new diversity hire about his thoughts on Ferguson or the Confederate Flag and he’ll answer, “Confederate is just another word for friend.” or he’ll joke,  “You mean Sarah Ferguson the Duchess of York?” And it will all seem as non-confrontational and submissive like as if he were calling you “Massah” without the slightest bit of irony. (*because of ongoing litigation our candidates will not and can not refer to you as “Master”, “Massah”, “Suh Boss” or “Bossman” and will in fact call you by your first name as if you were good friends).

Ask them about #BlackLivesMatter or the Black Lives Matter movement and our candidate will smile sheepishly and tell you reassuringly that he thinks ALL lives matter (without throwing up a little in his mouth).

Senator Scott

“I am opposed to this blog post in every way. Unless I’m told to believe otherwise.”

Uncle Tom’s Employment Agency will send you the colored faces that can fill out any staff photo, Human Resources pamphlet or Police Brutality Press Conference Podium.

Uncle Tom’s Employment Agency will fill your color quota without creating the hostile, “dark” and scary workplace of your worst nightmares.

Uncle Tom’s Employment Agency will work with you and your lawyers to bring you the diversity hire of your dreams. Our candidates will always be “one of the good ones.” We guarantee it. (guarantee void after 6 month probationary period)

Condi Rice

“Melvin, I swear, if you call me an Aunt Jemima, I will cut you.”

Uncle Tom’s

Satisfying your employment needs since 1648


User Comments 1-5 of 209

anonymous Writes: We used your service earlier this year and were quite happy with our “black person.” But after his 6 month probationary period, he became a full-time employee and he changed practically over-night. He put up a photo of Malcolm X in his cubicle where everyone could see it. Last week he wore a Dashiki to work on casual Friday. Is this a bait & switch? He’s talking lawsuit. I can’t be sued again. I just can’t.

wutangfan69 Writes: I had a similar experience to the previous commenter. It was like he changed all of a sudden. The look he gave me when I innocently called him “Mah N****h.” I meant nothing bad. They say it all the time to each other. I can still see his angry eyes. I was afraid to go to work this morning and I’m the owner. You have Ben Carson and Clarence Thomas in your ad. But what you sent me was more like Wesley Snipes.

aynrand4ever Writes: You can’t say you’re sending a non-threatening black yes-man and send a highly intelligent and qualified n-word who’s now competing for MY job. You see that? I’m saying “n-word” now. He’s got me afraid to even type the word n-word. You should be ashamed of yourselves. I will never use your service again.

ngryblkmn38 Writes: 6 years after taking office, your “candidate” is walking around like he owns the place. I think they call it swagger. But I’m not complaining. It’s kind of nice.

dtrumpjrjr Writes: I specifically requested a “mammy” type, light-skinned African-American female to be my personal assistant. But I was not aware that I wouldn’t be able to pat her on the butt every once in a while. They have such nice… She broke my arm in three places. Can I get a refund?

Surveillance State: Hero of the Sheeple

Edward Snowden

The man is a world hero. He should get a nobel peace prize… or something… for his unbelievable bravery and strength of character. If there were more Edward Snowden’s in the world… Like maybe 300 million more… well… I know it would look weird… but the world would be a safer place. And more private. Much more private. God bless you Edward Snowden.

The man… He is a saint. I never thought there were true heroes walking the earth until I heard his name. Ed-ward Snow-den. It’s like a mantra or an operatic lament to everything that’s wrong in this world. He’s like James Bond and Jason Bourne meets Thomas Crowne and Carlos the Jackal all rolled into one, with a hot stripper girlfriend and a G.E.D.

He’s the greatest thing to happen to people who have no idea where their personal data has been or where it’s going. They bought the camera. They turned it on. Turned the GPS on and agreed to the terms of service. They’re the ones who put their lives online. But they’re mad. They’re really mad that all that data is being used for… something.

Oh, I hope and I pray that no one shoots Mr Snowden in the fucking head. Please god… please… don’t let him disappear never to be heard from again.

That would be just awful.

But if you did that then we all will promise never to stalk another ex on Facebook or view another paparazzi photo or utilize this lack of privacy, we all agreed to, for our own enjoyment.

Pinkie swear.


– Mel

So This Happened… Election 2012 (The Gripes of Wrath)

Thank you to everyone who stood in line for hours. Your country appreciates you. You guys rocked.

But here’s the problem.

I reject the notion that President Obama would not have won re-election if he weren’t African American, that somehow being black won him votes. Even though his being black did in fact get him more votes. I know that sounds like a contradiction but his race did not switch voters from Republican to Democrat. Not at all… or just a handful out of millions and millions.

His race increased the total number of people who voted. People who voted for Obama because he is black are people who would not have voted at all but the same can be said about people who only got into politics because the president was from a race that they have prejudicial feelings for or are bigoted against. Those people also increased the number of voters. Both of these things are fine with me. The more people that vote the more our government reflects our nation.

Also the idea that White voters are a minority is crazy. 72% is not a minority. Sure if you remove women from that percentage then maybe White men are a minority but to state that President Obama would not have won if he weren’t black is ludicrous.

And my Twitter was full of racism and idiotic conspiracy theories. So let me address those people:

A white man with the same views, same name, same policies, same everything, wins by a greater margin than this Barack Obama. First of all, your racist, ignorant, backwoods, hateful, crotch-scratching, FOX News watching, fat & gullible ass would not have voted at all. You would have sat on your couch in a pool of your own sweat mixed with Cheeto dust complaining about the government but doing nothing. People like you, but who participate, might have realized how much the other guy was a tool of the wealthy and not fit for the office. And the idea of suppressing the minority vote would have never occurred to anyone.


That’s right, a white Barack Obama wins by more than the LANDSLIDE that happened on Election Day.

He did not win because he is black. He won because of his strength, his intelligence, his wisdom, his charisma, his amazing constitution and yes even his dexterity. That’s right Barack Obama is a bad-ass Dungeons & Dragons character. AND YOU WILL RESPECT HIS +126 ELECTORAL BATTLEAXE OF KICKING REPUBLICAN ASS.

And since there won’t be a black candidate next time, either Joe Biden or Hillary Clinton or both, you can go back to sleep.

I’m done.

And now, with a mandate from the people, it’s time to get back to work.

Love my country,

– Mel