So after not posting for a while, I had a bunch of mini-reviews in a folder on my desk. So I took out all of the bad reviews and threw them into a blog post.
You damn right it’s bad. Like a ten car pile-up on an interstate highway bad. Like sharing a slow-moving elevator with a mime that wants to make eye contact bad. Like a customer service call returning a defective sex toy bad. It’s bad, I tell you.
These ten movies are ten REALLY bad movies.
So we’re gonna rip them off like a band-aid… like ten cinematic band-aids. Quick and painless. One at a time. Presenting…
Ten Quick Reviews of Ten Bad Movies I Watched During The Election Season
These are the movies that I watched when the news was too much. Movies that I used to take my mind off the horrors of politics. I watched a lot more (some good ones). But these are the movies that reminded me what true horror was like. Bad movies.
There’s nothing worse than bad movies (not even politics).
To the list…
Alice Through the Looking Glass (Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures)
Directed by James Bobin
Written by Linda Woolverton
Alice Through the Looking Glass is a mess of a movie. Disjointed and unfocused. Like a mad tea party but, you know, literally. Nobody wants to have tea with a bunch of crazy people. Hot tea get’s everywhere. And it’s not fun.
The first Alice in Wonderland was fantastic. Magical. Whimsical. Wonderful. Look what a mess they made of my Alice. Really. Looking Glass is awful.
WHO’S GONNA CLEAN THIS SHIT UP?
Next. Another sequel mishap.
Independence Day: Resurgence (20th Century Fox)
Directed by Roland Emmerich
OMG what a waste of space and time and space-time and everything… Garbage. Total garbage. Space garbage? No. That actually makes it sound too interesting. Space garbage might tell a story. We could actually learn something from space garbage. Maybe even re-purpose it. One man’s space garbage… and all that. But this was wholly unnecessary. Nobody needed this. Nobody wanted this. It’s big and useless.
Independence Day: Resurgence is a big and useless piece of Earth garbage. Just plain old Earth garbage. Huge, smelly, redundant and taking up too much space.
Speaking of redundancy…
Money Monster (TriStar Pictures)
Directed by Jodie Foster
Here’s a thought experiment for you beautifully open-minded people. Knowing what you do about the political views of Jodie Foster’s good friend Mel Gibson. How would you view a movie where Jewish people use black people and labor unions to manipulate the stock markets in order to steal money from under-educated, hard-working white American men?
Well what if that movie were say directed by Mr. Gibson himself? EXACTLY!! If this movie had Mel Gibson’s name on it, it would easily be recognized for the paranoid racist, anti-Semitic bullshit that it’s meant to be. And it’s not even a good movie.
Say what you want about Mel but at least HE would have made a good Nazi propaganda film starring George Clooney and Julia Roberts. I’m just saying.
The Duel 2016 (Lionsgate Premiere)
Directed by Kieran Darcy-Smith
Written by Matt Cook
The Duel is a slow burn to a gun fight. The way a western should be. The gun fight is good (No seriously it’s actually a pretty good fight) but the wait is not worth it. On the way to the epic gun duel we would like to be entertained not bored to death.
There’s the classic revenge story with the powerful villain and the hero with little to no power but there’s also some other stories going on that are pretty fucking dumb.
Some kind of cult thing. Racist serial killer clap-trap. It’s kind of weird and requires way too much patience. This ain’t Unforgiven guys.
The duel at the end of The Duel is not worth sitting through The Duel to get to. Watch the beginning. Fast forward to the end. Save two hours of your life. You’re welcome.
Urge (Lionsgate Premiere)
Directed by Aaron Kaufman
Written by Jerry Stahl
I watched it. I watched Urge. I watched the whole thing. The acting is awful. The story is strange. It’s about a group of friends that try a designer drug that makes you do stuff. Makes you feel something. I don’t know. It’s stupid.
There are maybe a couple of good scenes worth a chuckle or a snort, titillation, horror, suspense, but for the most part the movie is pointless and useless and stupid and garbage and… and…
And I’m done talking about it.
Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising (Universal Pictures)
Directed by Nicholas Stoller
Nowhere near as good as the first Neighbors (or Bad Neighbours for you Brits). This is more about the actors than the story. A couple of good laughs but for the most part the movie is a pale version of the first one. Like the second American Pie.
You can tell they had fun making it. Young girls in bikinis, titillation (emphasis on the tit). Zac Efron is still hot as fuck. Chloë Moretz is finally beginning to look less like Chris Hansen can’t be far behind. And Seth Rogen is good for a laugh every now and again.
But Neighbors 2 is just plain frivolity and not as fun or as funny as it should be.
Speaking of Brits…
Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie (Fox Searchlight Pictures)
Directed by Mandie Fletcher
I usually like what these incredibly funny women do but this was a waste of time and rarely if ever funny. Absolutely Fabulous fell into the trap that many TV shows do of simply making a larger version of the show with lots of special guest stars. That’s alright for a made for TV special. Movies need to have plots. Like a real proper plot. And then you throw the familiar faces in there and you got yourself a movie.
Sex in the City messed theirs up. Entourage did the same. They blow their entire budget on big name cameos and don’t bother trying to entertain. You know who does television to movies well? The Muppets that’s who. They put those familiar characters in a movie. Yes they throw in a couple of guest appearances but there’s a plot going on.
Sure it’s nice to see these ladies again but I would have preferred something a little more substantial. And a lot more funny.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (Paramount Pictures)
Directed by Dave Green
I have never watched the cartoon version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It’s mostly famous for the cartoon version. I remember the comic books but there were lots of comics that I didn’t read but still watched the cartoons. And I remember that time. I was a cartoon watching fiend back then. I have NEVER not even by accident viewed a whole episode of the program, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Because of the fucking commercials.
And I know why. The commercial for the toys. And promos for the cartoons and the tie-ins with McDonald’s or Mattel or whatever. Those fucking commercials were every where all over the shows I did watch. And they were obnoxious. I would never watch the damn show because it reminded me of those fucking commercials for the damn show.
So I was never a fan but I do watch the movies. The last TMNT movie was actually pretty enjoyable. I am able to turn off my brain at times and enjoy something that is supposed to be stupid. I have absolutely no problem with intentionally stupid. It’s only when the writers start to think that it must be okay to phone it in to write the stupid stuff. NOOOOOooooo. Everyone in Hollywood needs to understand that you still need smart writing to write stuff that’s supposed to be stupid. Writing something stupid is an art form. People like to talk about how dumb the Three Stooges was. YES it was dumb comedy for dumb people but it was smart writing. They said some deep shit while they smacked each other around. People want to see dumb on purpose not dumb because the writers couldn’t help themselves and decided to phone it in.
Out of the Shadows is dumb as it tries to be dumb and that’s too much dumb.
Directed by Antoine Fuqua
Now here is a fool-proof story. Seven Samurai. A classic heroes tale. A bunch of guys who are really good at killing finally get to put their talents to good use. All you have to do here is get a bunch of cool actors and make them do cool things and boom goes the dynamite. How did they screw this up? Fifteen more minutes of character development.
They got the right cast. They just got the wrong director. There is no character development. And I know seven bad-asses is a lot of bad-ass to put in one movie but it’s doable if each one is given enough screen-time. But in today’s Hollywood, time is a luxury big budget blockbusters can not afford. Movies are trimmed to a sharp two hours to fit that one more daily screening. That one more sold out theater on the first weekend (or not sold out in this case). You see, all the trimming in the world won’t fill a theater if you release a bad movie. And the lost ticket sales add up to more than one theaters full.
DO THE MATH. With a hit on their hands, the studio can make millions of more dollars by cutting it down to a tight two hours. But ONLY if it’s a hit. So they bet on a hit. Bet on another hit. Bet on a third hit and a fourth. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Until one time they’re lucky or they find a director who works better in a box and “Look ma, I’m a genius.”
Geez. Money ruins everything. And I know it takes money to make movies… lots and lots of money. But the obsession with making mega-profits that ONE time ruins seven other films. From a business perspective it makes total scene. But from a movie fan’s perspective, it sucks ass. The Magnificent Seven sucks ass.
Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV (Sony Pictures Home Entertainment)
Written & Directed by Takeshi Nozue
Screenplay by Takashi Hasegawa Based on Final Fantasy XV
I have a serious question. Did they let the computer decide what angles it wanted to show? They must have. And it was a mistake. The coverage is horrible. You can’t see what’s going on. It’s so hard to follow. Kingsglaive is a decent Final Fantasy story. With the great Final Fantasy mix of tech and magic. I’ve been a huge fan of the game franchise since the great number seven. Final Fantasy VII. The name alone makes me smile. Now THAT was an RPG for the ages.
In Kingsglaive, the real cars threw me a bit, but the big city setting was very present day in feel and look. So that was kind of weird but not a deal-breaker by any means. And I loved the mechanics of some of the fight powers and magic. Final Fantasy always has the most interesting magicks and mystical story-lines. I love the thrown blades that teleport the soldiers this time around. That was very cool.
And of course the animation is fantastic. But again, it was so hard to follow the action because the computer never knew when to show a wide-angle shot of the battle field. Humans need to be reminded of where shit is. You want to see what’s going on. They call it an establishing shot for a reason. It let’s our primitive human brains know where all the parts are in relation to each other. You just couldn’t tell. And it was hard to follow.
The story wasn’t hard to follow. The story was awesome. The action was hard to follow. And that makes for a bad movie. So in conclusion, computers do not make good cinematographers, directors or film-makers. That is all.
So to recap…
We had two star-studded movies about addiction, Money Monster and Urge. And although movies about the misuse of money and drugs are useful, you have to question why the hell either of these films were made in the first place.
We had two classic revenge westerns, The Duel and The Magnificent Seven. And although one of them had a huge budget and the other one had a modest budget, they both sucked equally. Proving once again that money doesn’t buy quality.
And we had two movies based on established titles from a different format, Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV and Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie. And although I remain a big fan of the original series in both cases, they can do better. They both can do better.
And then we had four (count ’em FOUR) sequels that paled in comparison to the first movies, Resurgence, Out of the Shadows, Sorority Rising, and Through the Looking Glass. And although it was nice to see some familiar faces, it would have been nicer had they all stayed home and waited for better scripts.
Raise your glasses to better scripts. Better scripts all around.
Look at us.
We made it through all that bad. We rock.
Don’t worry, guys. The good stuff is coming.