Raised By Animals (A Film Comparison Game Show)

It’s that time again ladies and gentlemen.

It’s time to play social media’s favorite and most recent Blog Based Game Show. That’s right. It’s time for…

Raised!… By!… Animals!!

(cue the music)

We don’t have music? Okay then.

This is the game where a panel of experts compare recent movies that imagine what happens if a human baby is raised by a different species.

The Legend of Tarzan Margot Robbie

“You were raised by a different species.”

Tonight we compare The Jungle Book to The Legend of Tarzan. Two classics from Rudyard Kipling and Edgar Rice Burroughs. Two epic adventures. Two old-timey stories of people who never existed in jungles that no longer exist because of hunting and deforestation and the general suckyness of human beings.

Is there gonna be a review in here somewhere

“Is there gonna be a review in here somewhere?” “I certainly hope so.”

It’s that time again, people.

Time for

What? We did that part already?

Raised… By

No?

Okay then let’s get right to the game.

Panel of experts are you ready?

Name That Genre Contestants/ Panel of Experts

I’ll take your stunned silence as a yes.

I watched two movies based on classic literature with a similar premise. The Jungle Book and The Legend of Tarzan and neither of them deserved its own post.

So here’s my comparison.

Tarzan

“This could be good for us.” “Yes. I prefer a good fight.” “You’ll kick that little wolf boy’s butt.”

Let’s start with the whole believability factor of the main characters shall we.

 

Tarzan of the apes vs Mowgli the wolf boy

1) Raised By Animals

Tarzan – Apes

Mowgli – Wolves

The Winner: The Legend of Tarzan 

Tarzan as a baby

“Mommy. Can I have another banana?” “Boy. Get yo ass to sleep.”

In Edgar Rice Burroughs’ Tarzan a young human baby is raised by apes. However improbable the premise. Apes and humans at least share more characteristics than humans and wolves. As long as the apes don’t accidentally pull the kids arms out of their sockets. It’s possible they’d protect him. Right? (RIP Harambe the gorilla)

The Loser: The Jungle Book

Mowgli and his brothers

“Mommy, what do we feed it?” “I think it picks fruit from the trees to eat.” “Ewwwww.”

I’m sorry, Rudyard Kipling, I know you were first with the idea, but wild wolves would eat a baby right up. If just to shut it up. There are little to no similarities between the species. We are food to a wolf pack. And what they eat is completely unpalatable to humans. After he is weaned off that wolf teat it’s not like he’s going to tear into a fresh kill with those flat teeth of his. Or digest uncooked putrefying meat through miles of intestines.

Let’s find out what the experts have to say about the subject: And by experts I mean Wikipedia: Feral Children.

In summary (if you don’t feel like reading): There are only a few cases of children living with animals. None of them can be defined as being “raised by.” Not a single one is pretty or heart-warming. And there has never been a successful re-integration into society. In fact all of them died young.

But let’s not forget these are both fantasy stories with science fiction elements. So let’s leave believability to the experts and talk about this crap like it’s possible.

 

2) Animal Friends

Tarzan – Friend to all animals.

Mowgli – Friend to a few select animals

The Winner: The Legend of Tarzan

Tarzan and a lion

“You’re not gonna find your contact lens in all this grass.” “I don’t care. Keep looking for it.”

This is no contest. Tarzan is The King of the Jungle. Friend to all animals. Doesn’t really get along with all the local humans because he fights against them to protect the animals from over-hunting and deforestation.

The Loser: The Jungle Book

Mowgli and his mom

“Are you crying, Mowgli.” “No. I’m cold and wet and naked. I’M FUCKING NAKED.”

Wolf boy Mowgli spends most of the story trying to get to the human village because pretty much everything in the jungle wants to kill him except his close friends and family.

Scarlett Johanson in The Jungle Book

“I dreamed of Scarlett Johanson wanting to hug me. But… not like this… Not like this.”

Damn Nature, you scary… Damn.

But let’s talk about the most recent movie versions.

 

The Legend of Tarzan vs The Jungle Book

3) Casting & Characters

The Legend of Tarzan – Ape Man, His gorgeous bride, A bunch of humans (African and European) that truly suck, and a bunch of animals that really don’t.

The Jungle Book – Wolf Boy, His immediate family (or “pack” if you will), His best friend & mentor; a black panther (the struggle continues), His new friend; an industrious brown bear with a great sense of humor, and various creatures that want to eat him (when they’re not singing)

The Winner: The Jungle Book

Starring  Bill MurrayBen KingsleyIdris ElbaLupita Nyong’oScarlett JohanssonGiancarlo Esposito & Christopher Walken

The Jungle Book Cast

“You were saying something about – Gimme your lunch money? Well let me introduce you to my friends… Don’t run… it’ll just piss them off.”

You can’t beat a movie that features Bill Murray as the voice of a bear and Scarlett Johansson as a seductive snake. Christopher Walken as a giant orangutan and Idris Elba as a truly frightening tiger. Ben Kingsley as a panther and Lupita Nyong’o as a beautiful wolf mother. The cast is stellar. Christopher and Bill even sing songs from the animated movie. They cut Scarlett’s song but you can hear it in the credits. Fantastic cast all around.

The Loser: The Legend of Tarzan

Starring Alexander SkarsgårdSamuel L. JacksonMargot RobbieDjimon HounsouJim Broadbent & Christoph Waltz

The Legend of Tarzan Cast

“Now that we’re in Africa, shouldn’t my face be well-lit and you guys look overexposed.” “I think you’re being racist.” “Fuck that. You can’t even see me.”

This is a heartbreaking loss for the Tarzan movie. The first of the day. Heartbreaking because the actors who play Tarzan and Jane are two of the hottest people on planet earth at the moment. And then throw in two of Tarantino’s favorite bad guys Samuel L. Jackson and Christoph Waltz and you’ve got a pretty awesome cast. But they can’t beat the star power of Bill Murray & Christopher Walken singing Disney songs out of the mouths of authentic looking animals.

 

4) Animal Actors vs CGI Animals

The Legend of Tarzan – The animals do not talk or sing.

The Jungle Book – The animals DO talk and sing and it’s wonderful.

The Winner: The Jungle Book

Christopher Walken in The Jungle Book

“You are big and scary, sir. Quite big and quite scary. But what’s worse… you sound like Christopher Walken. I think I just pissed myself.”

The animals are talking and it doesn’t even look creepy. It barely looks animated. They’re singing and they’re dancing and it’s more believable than being raised by wolves. Completely believable. And now I’m convinced that animals talk when we’re not around. I know that was my cat who answered when my girlfriend called. No seriously that was my cat, baby. I swear… Damn.

The Loser: The Legend of Tarzan

Tarzan fighting an ape

Sorry Tarzan. You’re cool and all that but get back to me when your animals can talk.

 

5) Writing & Directing

The Legend of Tarzan – Bad story, Bad dialogue, Cool characters, Great special effects, Exciting action sequences, Strong climactic battle, and a powerful ending.

The Jungle Book – Bad story, Good dialogue (from Bill Murray), Familiar songs, Great characters, Cool special effects, Completely stupid action sequences, A totally stupid climactic battle, and a horrible ending.

It’s a tie.

The Legend of Tarzan (Warner Bros. Pictures)

The Legend of Tarzan Poster

Directed by David Yates

Written by Adam Cozad and Craig Brewer  Based on Tarzan by Edgar Rice Burroughs

The Legend of Tarzan continues the adventures of the so-called King of the Jungle and his wife Jane after they have integrated back into society as Lord & Lady Greystoke only to be lured back to the jungle by nefarious forces bent on Tarzan’s destruction. Too bad the story is stupid. The dialogue is hokey. And the only thing really cool about it is the ending.

The Jungle Book (Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures)

The Jungle Book Poster

Directed by Jon Favreau

Written by Justin Marks  Based on The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling

The Jungle Book is a re-telling of the classic story and the classic Disney animated movie with live action and CGI animals. If you can call that live action. There’s a lot of CGI. It’s fantastic, but it doesn’t help an already bland story. The cast is phenomenal and they save the movie from a lot of its problems but they can’t change the ending. Jon Favreau does a fine job. Once again proving that he can do every genre well. But he and the producers really didn’t know what to do with the songs. And the script is a mess.

It’s a toss-up.

 

6) Verdict: Both of these movies sucked.

Idris Alba in The Jungle Book

“The human speaks lies. Our movies do not suck. I will kill you.”

Both Tarzan and Mowgli are dumb characters. Just because a boy is raised by wolves doesn’t mean he can run as fast as they can. And just because a man was raised by apes doesn’t mean he can hold his own in a fight against one. I know it’s fantasy but do what everybody else does and add some radioactivity or something that gives them their superpowers. It’s fantasy. Act like it.

The Legend of Tarzan

“You tell him to take it back. I do not suck.” “If I know Mel. I don’t think it’s you that would be doing the sucking.” “Whoa. I don’t know how to respond to that.”

And then there’s Tarzan and those swinging vines. Firstly, unless he put them there as a sort of rapid transit, it’s stupid. He’s in the thicket of the jungle until he grabs a vine and starts swinging and all of a sudden there are no branches in his way. It’s worst than Spider-man. I haven’t forgotten about you Spider-man. Swinging above the rooftops in Queens. What the hell are you attaching your web to, Fool? Tarzan is the Spider-man of the jungle. Or is that the other way around?

Mowgli and Baloo

“What’s a spider-man anyway?” “I have some comic books back in the cave. You can read them.” “You’re the coolest bear ever.” “I know. Right?”

And Mowgli’s mom. What’s her damage? Your boy has fingers. He won the evolutionary lottery. Let the kid build you a house. You’ve earned it. You kept a human baby alive in the jungle. Somehow you hunted with a crying baby in tow. You must have found a store that takes wolf saliva in exchange for baby food or something. You’re an incredible woman. A bitch to be reckoned with. Let the kid use his hands. Damn.

Tarzan and Jane

“You know Mel would switch places with either one of us in a heartbeat.” “Yes. And I’m trying not to think about it right now.” “It’s ALL I can think about.”

And Tarzan producers, what the fuck? How you gonna have a movie where the too hottest actors on the planet play a married couple and they don’t make sweet monkey love? What’s up with that? I know I, and probably the rest of the world, want to see Eric Northman and Harley Quinn getting down. I’m just being honest. Epic fail, guys. Damn. I mean, just look at those two.

You know what? I’ll be in my bunk.

Show’s over.

– Mel

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2 thoughts on “Raised By Animals (A Film Comparison Game Show)

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