Spared or Spoiled Reviews: Warcraft

The rules are simple. The good get spared. The bad get spoiled.

Warcraft: The Beginning (Universal Pictures)

Directed by Duncan Jones

Written by Charles Leavitt, Duncan Jones and Chris Metzen  Based on Warcraft by Blizzard Entertainment

Starring Travis FimmelPaula PattonBen FosterDominic CooperToby KebbellBen SchnetzerRobert Kazinsky & Daniel Wu

Warcraft: The Beginning is so much better than I thought it would be. I have always loved the cut scenes from World of Warcraft. The cut scenes in that game are extremely cinematic. They are the best thing about the game. They are incredible. So, I knew Warcraft the movie could never compete with those tiny animated scenes (that are amazingly bad-ass. I kid you not). So I didn’t expect much. I also read a lot of people saying that it’s the worst movie from this year. I couldn’t agree less. I liked it a lot. It was nowhere near as good as the cut scenes in the video game but honestly that would have been nearly impossible.

Verdict: SPARED

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If you have never played WoW (World of Warcraft) then I get that a lot of the joy of this film is lost on you. I get it. But Warcraft: The Beginning is a perfect video game movie. The best of all time in my opinion. It combines so may aspects of game play into its story. And because of the way it’s filmed, it’s almost too familiar. It is a joy to watch.

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And that’s because most of Warcraft was green screen or blue screen, the locations are perfect replicas of the game rooms and locations. To the point where I achieved wood. Not a half chub but a full on chubby walnuts. Forget how bad the acting was. The film was gorgeous and I was fully aroused.

Warcraft

And still I get it. The acting is not that good. Neither is the dialogue. But the story is familiar and the look is perfect and the actors are good at the physical parts. Like for instance I tried to watch Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and the actors were great actors but they couldn’t do the physical parts, so they either slowed down the action for them or just put it off camera which is maddening because you want to see the kills in a zombie movie (am I right?) and I couldn’t even watch it. I turned it off. That’s why there will be no P&P&Z review. This is also why Tom Cruise has all the money in the world. He’s a great actor AND he can do the physical parts. You have to find a happy medium people. I’m tired of good actors who obviously can’t handle a sword or throw a punch and I’m also tired of these athletic types who look awesome doing action but can’t act for shit. Warcraft finds a center. The actors aren’t great thespians but they’re okay and they look good doing the physical bits. Warcraft is pretty awesome.

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I’m sorry if you didn’t like it. It’s not for you. It’s for the fans. I was a fan of WoW. Okay I was a fan of WoW up until it got racist RANT ALERT like soon after Obama was elected. For those of you fuckers who blame Obama for all the rampant racism, I can remember that time. I understand your confusion. Because when Obama got elected the motherfucking racists lost their motherfucking minds. I couldn’t stay in anything resembling a chat room in the game. I couldn’t visit the cities. I couldn’t find a guild. It was awful. It was aggressive and it was moderated by sympathetic racist puppets. I’m sorry. I’m getting angry. Because I complained all the time. They even suspended me when I started to fight back against it. (They suspended ME) But anyway. I really loved the game I just hated the people playing it.

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I haven’t played WoW in seven years and just judging by YouTube comments and Facebook and Twitter I’m guessing WoW is still a recruitment tool for the KKK. But this movie (we’re still talking about the movie) is nice to look at and there are no chat channels with the grossest racism that is never reprimanded. Oh my god, I have never been called nigger so much as playing two video games online: the chess app Chess with friends. (There is nothing that pisses off a racist more than a black man beating them in chess), and while playing WoW. Even the people who were in my guild would call some other players niggers and then justify it to me when I objected in the most fucked up ways. They’d say, (I’m sorry but I have to continue this thought) “We’re not trying to be racist. We know you’re black. But these players just act like niggers. You know, like real niggers. That’s all. No offense.”

Warcraft 2

Offense taken. RANT OVER This review got way off track.

Warcraft: The Beginning was entertaining. I plan to buy it. I loved the look. I loved the story. I used to love playing WoW and loved the cut scenes, and Warcraft reminded me of the best parts of that. It was fun to be in the World of Warcraft once again.

Warcraft: The Beginning is like one big video game cut scene with live actors and cool action and I liked it more than I thought I would.

Amazing.

– Mel

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