The 10 Worst Things About Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

When they make the end of year lists, Batman v Superman will be at the top of everyone’s worst films of the year. It is god-awful. I’m sure I’m not the first to say it and I won’t be the last. Batman v Superman is terrible. I went to see it on Times Square in a full house and the crowd started to try to entertain themselves. You know a movie is bad when kids are falling asleep and the best parts happen in the seats behind you.

MILD SPOILERS.

Except for the fact that I tell you the movie is bad and I guess that could be a big spoiler.

Here is my list of the ten worst things about…

Batman v Superman : Dawn of Justice (Warner Bros. Pictures)

BVS Poster

Directed by Zack Snyder

Written by Chris Terrio & David S. Goyer  Based on Characters published by DC Comics

Starring Ben AffleckHenry CavillAmy AdamsJesse EisenbergDiane LaneLaurence FishburneJeremy IronsHolly Hunter & Gal Gadot

A movie that will be at the top of nearly everyone’s worst films of 2016. Mark my words.

It’s that bad.

#10 The Destruction is Excessive AGAIN.

batman-vs-superman-fight

This is not that big a deal but I thought they had handled the vast amount of destruction when they use it as a reason for Batman to go after the man of steel this time out. But then they go and destroy Gotham just like they did Metropolis. Ever think about leading the monsters away from the city? No? Okay but how about when they go away from the city and it’s pointed out to the audience that they’ve gone away from the city, that the good guys don’t actually lure it back to the city? You don’t have to bring the monster to the (portable) weapon. You can bring the weapon to the monster. And don’t tell me it was okay because they were in a run down part of town. Still destroying stuff. Still killing people. Just not rich people.

#9 They Don’t Explain The Science Behind Anything.

Batman-V-Superman-Doomsday

Lazy writing. They don’t explain Doomsday. They don’t explain Kryptonite. They don’t explain Wonder Woman. They don’t explain all of the other Justice League. They don’t explain Lex Luthor’s database. Or anything to do with anyone’s “secret” identities. You just have to know these things already. I’d say it was a movie for people who already know the comic books. That sound you hear is people in the theater trying to explain to their friends what the hell’s going on.

#8 There Are Too Many Dream Sequences.

I am the Night

The movie is two and a half hours long. They could have cut the dream sequences in favor of a little excitement. There are three dream sequences and all but the last half of the last one are meaningless to the story. Something interesting happens in the last half of the last dream that may or may not have been a dream but since they had already established the Batman’s penchant for day dreaming, it just seems weird and pointless. They could have used the time wasted on dreams to explain shit better.

#7 The Interesting Parts in the Trailer are from Dream Sequences.

batman-v-superman-dream

This was so annoying. Because all those cool scenes with Batman tied up and Superman un-masks him. And Batman fighting countless Superman acolytes, are fucking dreams. So if you’re watching the trailer and you’re wondering how he gets tied up and you’re waiting for this or that cool scene… Batman is asleep.

# 6 Jesse Eisenberg is wasted (and he’s good… he just has nothing good to say)

batman-v-superma-lex luthorThe best thing about the movie (and there is not a lot to choose from) is Jesse Eisenberg’s performance as Lex Luthor and he has nothing good to say. At one point they have him mangle a passage from Lolita and I nearly threw up in my mouth… so close. He’s great as Lex Luthor except that Lex Luthor says some of the dumbest shit ever on-screen. All those cool lines from the trailer that are out of context. They have more context in the trailer than they do in the movie. The dialogue is incredibly bad.

#5 Amy Adams is Wasted (and I love her)

batman-v-superman-love story

If you’ve read my blog for any length of time then you know of my undying love for Amy Adams. Amy Adams is a waste as Lois Lane. Except for in the best two or three seconds of the movie toward the beginning when she’s being held by a guy with a gun… no spoilers. There’s this look. It’s gorgeous. This is a love story. Superman has always been a love story since the beginning, but it’s like these guys forgot to bring the love. There’s that one moment when Amy Adams shines above the material and then everything else that comes out of her mouth is stupid.

#4 The Story is Crap.

Batman v Superman religious imagery

The story is full of holes and stupid things and idiotic leaps of logic. The main conflict is that people think Superman went to the desert (that’s what they call it) to shoot a bunch of people with guns. No really. But the bullets were special. (these were bullets used to kill regular human beings, so they could just be regular bullets but no) And we all know Superman didn’t shoot those people because of the special bullets. There are a thousand other things but I promised no spoilers. The story is horrible and full of holes.

#3 The Dialogue is Stupid.

Batman v Superman Clark and Bruce and Lex

The dialogue is so bad. It sounds like it was written in a dead language, mistranslated by a team of linguistic experts who couldn’t come to a consensus so they left huge sections blank, into English, into Spanish, then translated into Portuguese (except half the translators are from Brazil and the other half are from Portugal) and then finally back into English as part of a tenth grade midterm assignment the student barely passed with a D. Nobody talks like that. What is wrong with these people?

#2 The Movie is Boring.

batman-v-superman-joker

That’s right. A movie billed as one big fight scene between two of the most popular comic book characters in history is boring as shit. Zack Snyder has no concept of pacing. There were children snoring in the auditorium. One kid woke up and had to ask if Batman and Superman had fought yet. If your comic book movie is putting children to sleep in a crowded theater in the middle of the day, it is boring as hell.

And the number one worst thing about Batman v Superman…

# 1 The Music is Annoying.

batman-v-superman-diana-wonder-woman

The music is the worst thing about Batman v Superman. It is incessant and it is annoying. The music doesn’t seem to know whether a scene is a love scene or a fight scene and it doesn’t care. It just drones on non-stop in a cacophony of ignorant sound. The music is so bad at one particularly and supposedly quiet scene someone in the audience shouted, “Turn the music down.” and everyone applauded. The music is torture. The music makes a bad film even worse.

And that’s the list.

I knew I would hate it. I knew it would be bad. I just didn’t realize how bad.

Batman_v_Superman_Dawn_of_Justice

Batman v Superman is a poorly written, badly directed, terrible film. The story is awful. The pacing is awful. It fails to build excitement for any future DC comic movies. It accomplishes the incredible feat of being worse than Man of Steel.

Even the ending is crap.

After it ended, all I could say was, “What the hell was that?”

Someone shouted, “There’s no after-credits scene.” and someone else answered, “Good.”

– Mel

 

Top Ten (or so) New Sci-Fi Fantasy TV shows (Winter 2016)

Here is a post I wrote a few weeks back about some of the new sci-fi and fantasy shows I have been enjoying this season.

These 6 are my current favorites from recent run new sci-fi fantasy shows (that sentence was better in my head).

The Expanse (SyFy)

The Expanse Logo

One of the best sci-fi shows in a long time. I compare it to Battlestar Galactica without hesitation. Great writing. Great casting. Great performances. Fantastic show. The Expanse is space opera set in the future where humans have colonized the solar system.

The Magicians (SyFy)

The Magicians

Another great show. The Magicians is not the millennial sci-fi drama that it looks like but an interesting and intriguing mix of characters and situations and sex and coolness. I love the cast and the characters and the whole scenario. And the writing. And the writing. And the writing. I’m really enjoying this show. Probably my favorite on this list. The Magicians is based on the novel by Lev Grossman. It is about a school of magic and the students who attend and the ones who didn’t get in but still want to learn magic any way they can. Oh yeah and the cast is freaking gorgeous.

The Magicians cast

I love these guys.

The Shannara Chronicles (MTV)

The-Shannara-Chronicles-Title-Sequence

I didn’t expect much from this adaptation of the Terry Brooks novels but I have been pleasantly surprised. First thing I noticed was that it solves my on-going problem with sword fighting on these kinds of shows when they have these tiny little actresses swinging swords and fighting and it looks laughable because they are all so tiny.

Shannara Cast

Well this time they’re elves so it’s fine that they are hilariously skinny and visually it doesn’t bother me. And I know that seems small and petty but stuff like that takes me right out of shows. But Shannara is also pretty cool. I like the characters a lot and I like the story and the world. It’s not too deep but there’s a mythology and magic and monsters with a past as future twist. The Shannara Chronicles is an enjoyable fantasy adventure.

Lucifer (FOX)

Lucifer

The best thing about Lucifer is Lucifer himself. The main character, based on the comic character created by Neil Gaiman for The Sandman series, really makes the show for me. And it’s easy to like him but as soon as you forget that he’s evil… he’s evil again and it’s kind of jarring. Oh yeah right he’s Lucifer.

Lucifer TV

But it’s a fun show because of it and the best part is that he’s not even trying to hide the fact that he’s the devil. He’s proud of it and he’s immortal so it’s not like he’s afraid of anything. Except for himself and what he’s becoming and also his “partner” who was really annoying at first (because she’s always trying to stop Lucifer from being Lucifer and that’s the best part of Lucifer) but she’s grown on me and while he’s an open book, she is the mystery on the show because not only is she immune to his powers. She’s able to hurt him when nothing else can. Looking forward to discovering more about this mythology.

Colony (USA)

Colony Logo

Colony is a great show. From the first episode I was hooked. Good cast. Good world. Great writing. Great directing. Very impressive. One of the best new things on TV. And as they reveal more and more about what happened to the world and the alien occupation it gets better. Colony is about the relationship between the two main characters and it’s brilliant. The show is about Alien invasion and colonization and it mirrors the way the Europeans colonized the sub-continent.

Colony cast

Creating false borders and classes where none existed. Pitting human against human so that they have little time to turn their anger on their overlords all the while introducing a new religion to their children. It’s brilliant. So the husband and wife are on the opposite sides of the smaller conflict (The human resistance and the human authority) but on the same side of the larger conflict (Aliens have taken over the Earth). It’s great. Find it and watch it.

Colony TV

USA has renewed Colony for a second season.

Limitless (CBS)

limitless

Another amazing new show. Limitless is so much fun. Limitless is a continuation of the story from the movie with Bradley Cooper stopping by every once in a while to lend his star power to the proceedings. I love everything about Limitless.

And here is a break in the action where I show you the names of a couple of really good sit-coms. Showing that the format is not dead. There was an obit. I wrote it.

The Grinder (FOX)

Life in Pieces (CBS)

Both shows have great casts and great writing and are creative and funny. And it’s good to know there is still some enjoyment to be had from the half hour comedy.

Now back to our show

These next 4 are the shows that are on the bubble for me but I’m still watching because I want to like them or there is just something about them that I just can’t leave.

DC’s Legends of Tomorrow (CW)

legends of tomorrow

I want to like Legends but I don’t. I like most of the characters but the ones I can’t stand almost make the show unwatchable. The young black guy is such a bad actor that I have to mute my TV whenever he has a monologue. This isn’t a show with amazing acting to begin with but that guy is incredibly bad at his job.

Legends cast

Also Hawk Girl can barely recite her lines either. I love the rest of the cast but instead of having two or three character-centric episodes they put all of them in every single one. And I’m not liking it. Agents of SHIELD is a superhero group but they don’t have every character in every episode. One gets an A story and another gets a B story while the other nine or so characters continue in a support role until their episodes. Trying to stuff everybody in every episode with two significant scenes a piece is disjointed and distracting. This isn’t what I wanted.

Legends-of-Tomorrow-103

And to top if off it’s a little too cute. Sure they talk as if there is some dire situation and lives are in the balance but everything is so slick and cute that I don’t feel any sense of jeopardy. The Flash is slick & polished but when stuff goes down I feel like everyone is in danger. Legends never makes me feel like any of these people are in any real danger.

Supergirl (CBS)

Supergirl-CBS

I love Supergirl. I love her relationship with her boss and her friends and family and her body. But it suffers from the same thing that is bothering me about Legends. It’s too cute. (Since I wrote this they cranked up the dark parts a bit) There is no sense of jeopardy. Except in her relationships. The relationship stuff is the best part of the show. The monster of the week stuff is too cute and her main adversary this season is so overpowering that it doesn’t even seem rational that this is her big bad. It doesn’t seem fair (It’s gotten better). She should be incredibly worried. But she’s not and it ends up being cute. The relationship stuff. Her family. Her friends. Her job. That’s all amazing and that’s why I keep coming back. (The Martian Manhunter reveal was very good and I’m back on board)

Supergirl-Martian-Manhunter-Hank-Henshaw

But they need to take a page from the old Superman show from way back in the day. The bad guy wasn’t always some equally super, villain. Most of the time it was some small time hood. Something easy but the hero still had to figure it out and work his way through a series of obstacles before knocking him out with one finger. I hope they get it together because the non-superhero stuff is great. (They have and this is old) I love everything else about it.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (CW)

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

I love the songs. They make me love the show. But it’s starting to be cringe TV. I want to compare my girl to Lucille Ball and her best friend is amazing on the show but at times the whole thing makes me embarrassed to be watching. But then they do a song and I remember why I thought the show was genius. The songs save the show every time. But while I’m waiting for another hysterical song I cringe. I cringe so much I feel like turning it off. I won’t because the songs are just too good. I know this isn’t technically sci-fi but Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is fantasy. She talks to ghosts and travels through time (in songs). Whatever. It’s my blog. I can break the rules.

Shadowhunters (FreeForm)

Shadowhunters - New Key Art

I should like Shadowhunters because of the supernatural elements and the pretty cast but the main character’s voice is so annoying and her personality and now after being annoyed by her for this many episodes, her face. She is incredibly whiny and all the worst things possible. I try to stay away from all-the-whiny-kids-who-seem-to-have-little-adult-supervision shows (I like the 100 though. That show is the exception) and the reason I hate those types of shows is they get into these fights about drama and relationships and sappy kids stuff during crunch time. They have no concept of THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO DISCUSS YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

And they all sound so spoiled and whiny. Yet they’ve been in wars for most of their lives. How are these little bitches so entitled when they supposedly grew up so hard. I’m sorry this has become a critique of all the millennial sci-fi shows but some of them are decent and I want to like Shadowhunters but the main girl is all the things I hate about the genre all rolled up into one annoyingly whiny-ass white girl.

Shadowhunter Hotties

But for some reason I am still watching. I just don’t know why. This last episode had a pretty intense game-changing reveal, so maybe it will actually get good.

That’s ten.

But as a bonus here are 2 mini-series: one incredibly good and one incredibly bad.

11 22 63 (Hulu)

11 22 63

11 22 63 is one of the stupidest shows I have seen in a long time. It has a decent plot and good actors but the script is so bad it’s laughable. There is no continuity. And I’m not talking about the time travel. I’m talking about basic stuff like forgetting where you are in the story or the placement of objects. Hell they spend the whole time flashing back to conversations that didn’t happen. Conversations created out of convenience but didn’t happen. And it has nothing to do with time travel. It’s just bad writing. And bad directing. And zero continuity.

11 22 63  James Franco

One character tells a story about drowning a kid in the war and in the middle of the story the writers forget that the kids head is under water. So they give him last words. How is he talking his head is under water. “I couldn’t understand him because I didn’t speak German.” No you couldn’t understand him because you were drowning him. What a piece of sloppy shit this show. One of the stupidest things I have seen in a long time.

11 22 63 is stupid

The main character’s life is saved by an inanimate object. I won’t go into it but the object saves his fucking life. In the next scene he throws it away. It is a useful object. An expensive object. But more than that. It had just saved his life. Who made this crap. It’s so stupid. I watched two episodes and that was it for me. I couldn’t stop screaming at the screen. 11 22 63 is garbage. Full-on fucking garbage.

War and Peace (BBC)

war-and-peace

War and Peace is not sci-fi or fantasy but it is amazing. I mean it’s Tolstoy and it’s epic but the actors brought it. And the writers brought it. And the directors brought it. It was so enjoyable. And epic as fuck. I’m hoping it gets recognized come awards season next year because this is the way you do a miniseries, people. Great cast. Great writing. Great costumes. Great.

War and Peace Score Card

You can’t tell the players without a score card (SPOILERS above if you don’t know the story and if you click on the image)

And that’s it…

These were my thoughts on some of the new shows. It’s a little late, I know. So some of these shows have ended but better late than never I always say. (Actually I never say that. I say, “Why are you so late? Did you want this job or not?” I was a real asshole as a boss). But I have a good excuse.

There is so much good on TV right now and so many things coming back soon.

There is not enough time.

Later,

– Mel

Captain America Civil War Trailer (of Awesome)

Okay kids.

This thing right here.

This is a motherfreaking trailer.

This is how you do it.

Civil War, baby!!!

Perfect.

Just heart-pounding, crowd-pleasing, butts in the seats getting perfection.

I was excited before, but now they got me watching the clock. Time is not moving fast enough. Iron Man vs Captain America is gonna kick Batman v Superman’s ass.

And the ending… I can’t even talk about the ending. Except to say, “Underoos…”

Spider-Man

Can’t wait.

  • Mel