This is my 5 Quick Reviews of 5 Bad Movies on DVD and Home Video. You see, I haven’t completely retired the 5 Quick Reviews format. I save it for special occasions. But these aren’t reviews so much as me ranting about how bad these movies are. I’ve seen bad movies. I’ve seen a lot of bad movies. I skip reviewing most of them because I don’t even want to write about them. Or they’re just not worth their own posts.
These are five movies I saw recently that weren’t worth a post but I thought I’d mention them here just in case you were on the fence about seeing them. I’m here to talk you out of it. I’m here to talk you off the damn fence. These movies suck.
In every single one of these cases, I knew I was about to see a bad movie before I watched it. But for some reason I did it anyway. Like reading the warning as if it were the instructions. Like the word POISON was put on the bottle as a challenge or a dare.
But in two of these cases, I just couldn’t do it. I’m getting older and don’t have the time to waste on these things like I used to. But I sat through three of them.
“I have been to the bleeding edge of boredom & disgust and come back. Listen to me.”
To the reviews…
Aloha (Columbia Pictures)
Written & Directed by Cameron Crowe
Aloha, um… is terrible. I don’t know about the controversy with Emma Stone playing a character that’s one-quarter Hawaiian. I was more troubled that she was a quarter Hawaiian and a quarter Chinese. That was a stretch. If it was just one quarter Hawaiian and three quarters plain ole white girl, I’m good. But Chinese and Hawaiian… no. Although mostly I was bothered because, in this movie at least, she’s really bad. Bad acting.
And I was a fan. I wanted her to win the Oscar last year for Birdman (that was last year right?). But whatever. It’s all bad. Aloha is bad in almost every way. Except for one… The last scene in the movie is outstanding. Had me weeping. Honestly. So if you can make it that far, (It’s a really really bad movie), that last scene is very cool. last scene right before the credits.
You know what. I’ll tell you guys about the scene so you don’t have to watch it. Bradley spends the whole movie wondering if his ex-girlfriend’s daughter is his. The two give each other knowing looks. Everybody pretty much knows but not really. And then he finds out and the regular movie is over but there’s this throwaway scene before the credits where he’s watching her through the glass outside his daughter’s dance class and she spots him looking and then she starts crying while she tries to keep dancing and he starts crying and there are no words. And it’s beautiful. I wish it were in a different movie. But other than that the movie’s not worth the time or electricity it uses to watch it. For every reason you can think, it is horrible. I’m not even going to waste my time listing them all.
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation (Paramount Pictures)
Directed by Christopher McQuarrie
Mission Impossible is a rehash of all the other MI films. This one would be MI:5 (and now you see why they abandoned that format) Rogue Nation offers nothing more than a new hot girl agent. There’s always a new hot girl agent. It’s formulaic and it’s boring. It’s an action film with chases and fights and shootouts and so-called excitement. But having seen it all before. It has become a paint-by-numbers spectacle of boredom.
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation is a waste of time and money. If you’ve seen one, you’ve see them all. Just close your eyes and take a couple of minutes to remember what it was like watching any of the other films in the Mission Impossible franchise. Any.
Now open your eyes. Remember all of those chases and shootouts? I’ve just saved you two hours of annoying eye strain and endless familiarity… and Tom Cruise. You’re welcome. Now go put those two extra hours to good use.
Self/Less (Focus Features)
Directed by Tarsem Singh
Written by David Pastor & Àlex Pastor
Self/Less is nothing special. In fact it’s a great big load of humdrum. It doesn’t feel like a Tarsem Singh movie at all. It isn’t visually stunning or even mildly interesting. Did he do this movie as a dare? Is he late on his boat payment? What the hell happened?
I’m not really a big fan of Tarsem Singh, but at least I was able to say that his movies are works of art, if not particularly good cinema. They are gorgeous to look at. This is just bland.
Self/Less is a movie about body swapping and trying to live forever but the body swapping technology isn’t explained enough for even the least attentive to detail, mild science fiction fan. Self/Less is a waste of time. There’s nothing of value here. Move along.
And here at the end we have two movies that I couldn’t get through. I couldn’t do it. I can usually find something redeeming about a film that keeps me watching, but with these next two I just couldn’t. I just couldn’t watch.
Dragon Blade (Intercontinental Film Distributors)
Written & Directed by Daniel Lee
Okay I barely lasted five minutes here. I couldn’t watch Dragon Blade more than five minutes. But you’ve got to understand, this was a special case. Dragon Blade took five minutes away from my life. It was five whole minutes before I realized I was going to be yelling at my screen for the entire running time and it would have left me in a very bad mood. Five whole minutes.
Full disclosure. Two of those minutes were the distributor and production company logos and the opening titles and credits. But three minutes after that I easily recognized Dragon Blade would be the worse movie I would ever see. Simply judging from the bad acting (in two languages) and the stupid story. So I spared myself Dragon Blade. And I’ve thanked me ever since. I wake up in the morning and think of this movie and say, “Well done, Mel. You really dodged a bullet on that one.”
Pixels (Columbia Pictures)
Directed by Chris Columbus
Pixels is a stupid movie. This is some stupid crap. I got about 15 minutes in and thought to myself, “This is a dumb guy movie.” Adam Sandler is cornering the dumb guy market at this moment in history. And the main attribute of dumb guy cinema is that it not only doesn’t have to be good or make any sense, but it makes more money, if it isn’t good and doesn’t make sense. Dumb guy want dumb movie.
Videogame console players. Alien invasion. Sounds like a cool idea. But Pixels is some stupid crap. Kevin James plays the president. (It’s that stupid) But you know what? Even dumb guys need to be entertained. So may I suggest jingling keys instead of this movie. Honestly. Jingling keys has more substance than this thing.
So to recap…
These movies are bad. Don’t waste your time.
Happy New Year,