Spared or Spoiled Reviews: Ted 2

The rules are simple. The good get spared. The bad get spoiled.

Ted 2 (Universal Pictures)

Ted 2 Poster

Directed by Seth MacFarlane

Written by Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin & Wellesley Wild

Starring Mark Wahlberg, Seth MacFarlane, Amanda SeyfriedJessica BarthGiovanni Ribisi & Morgan Freeman

Well here we are again. I was such a big fan of Seth McFarlane. First on Family Guy and then well.. really just Family Guy. Everything else he’s touched has been for shit. No lie. A Million Ways to Die in the West is one of the worse movies ever made. The Family Guy spin-offs were crap. His stint hosting the Academy Awards was god-awful. And now to top it all off, Family Guy has fallen off a comedy cliff. But the one exception was the movie Ted. It was actually a well-made movie. Pretty damn funny. So I thought I would give Ted 2 a shot. I regret my decision. While it is well-directed in a how-many-old-films-can-I-rip-off sort of way. It is badly written. Not at all funny. And pretty pointless.

Verdict: SPOILED

Ted 2

“I sure hope the audience knows to smoke a ton of pot before watching this movie.” “They’ll know. They’ll know.” “I mean it’s still garbage but at least they’ll be high.”

SPOILER ALERT

In the first Ted, Mark Wahlberg makes a wish and brings his teddy bear to life. And he turns out to be a hard-drinking, drug using, skirt chasing, practical joking, potty mouth of a bear. And it was hysterical. I don’t know where that energy went. In Ted 2 he’s trying to get married and have a kid. And it’s like Seth forgot what made the first movie funny.

Ted Looking at Porn

“Look at this. Some idiot calling himself Mel Rook is bad-mouthing us on his stupid blog. Screw you Melvin. You gotta problem with me? You wanna dance, Melvin?”

Ted 2 is about a court case deciding whether Ted has the rights of a person. And while that it is a good idea. There are no jokes save for countless references to Black Penises, a black woman calling a white couple White Niggers, and a disgusting cum bath featuring what is referred to as black guy rejected sperm at a clinic (because of the sickle cell trait). And an ongoing gag about searching the internet for black cocks. I would say Ted 2 was passively racist except that would be ignoring the misogyny and general assholery.

Amanda-Seyfried-Mark-Wahlberg-and-Seth-MacFarlane-in-Ted-2

“What’s assholery?” “I think that’s when the dude bends over and the girl…” “I don’t think that’s what it means.” “I think he means when we beat up nerds at comic con and throw rocks at joggers and stuff like that. But what were you gonna say?”

Ted 2 tries to find humor in small punch lines that become visual jokes that take up far too much screen time. These are Family Guy cut-aways. And it makes me believe that it’s the only way Mr. McFarlane knows how to tell a joke. The writing is bad. The dialogue is asinine. The plot is silly. And the love story has absolutely no obstacles.

Ted-2 Getting Married

“You may kiss the teddy bear… If that’s what you’re into. I’m not judging.”

However as it turns out, Seth McFarlane is a pretty decent director. His pacing is great. The homages to classic musicals and romantic comedies are spot on. He knows how to sell a romantic visual, if not actually write a good romance with any sense of jeopardy or spontaneity or surprises. But he can direct. I just don’t think he’s been very funny in a while. Hope he gets it back. There were maybe three jokes in the entire movie that were good for a chuckle. And none of them had anything to do with the plot at all.

Ted 2 in Court

“Do you swear to swell to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you Barbie?” “G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip, your honor.” “You may proceed.”

Ted 2 takes us on a pointless journey and then leaves us back where we started. With the bear getting married. Even that was never in doubt. There is a great use of music and dropped in nerd culture references but even those are forced. And the climax is pretty much a rehash of the first Ted. Mark Wahlberg even says “Woah Deja Vu.” like pointing out that the character realizes this is the same shit somehow makes it not so lazy. It’s lazy. I don’t care how high you are when you watch it, it’s lazy. But Amanda looks so good smoking a bong. Okay maybe I’m revealing too much about myself but, I’ve been outta college for a couple of decades now and, I still think a girl hitting a bong is hot as fuck.

Amanda Seyfried Hits the Bong

presented without comment

Ted 2, the lackluster sequel to Ted, is not as funny, not as original, not as clever and nowhere near as good as the first one. It’s basically marijuana porn. That’s what it is. They smoke so much pot in this movie I got buzzed from the contact. The best is when Amanda whips out the penis bong. It’s kind of x-rated so I’ll just link to it. And yes, It’s a link to a still of Amanda Seyfried sucking on a bong that looks like a penis while looking into the camera. If Ted 2 has given us anything, it’s given us this. You’re welcome internet.

– Mel

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One thought on “Spared or Spoiled Reviews: Ted 2

  1. Pingback: Top 20 Biggest Cinematic Disappointments of 2015 | Mel Rook & The 7 Deadly Sins

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