Spared or Spoiled Reviews: Hitman Agent 47

The rules are simple. The good get spared. The bad get spoiled.

Hitman Agent 47 (20th Century Fox)

Hitman-Agente-47 Poster

Directed by Aleksander Bach

Written by Michael Finch & Skip Woods  Based on Hitman by IO Interactive

Starring Rupert FriendHannah WareZachary QuintoCiarán HindsThomas Kretschmann & Angelababy

Another bad video game movie. This one is at least photographed well and some of the fight scenes are enjoyable. But the acting is for shit and the story and the dialogue is horrendous. Hitman Agent 47 has no characters. Just archetypes. There is nothing of substance here. The action is uneven. The hero is either extremely over-powering or strangely and suddenly fallible. I’ve seen a lot of bad action movies recently. Hitman Agent 47 is at least the most exciting of the bunch. It’s still pretty bad.

Verdict: SPOILED

Hitman Agent 47 Fights

“I’m the hitman. They call me the hitman because I hit people.”

SPOILER ALERT

I’ve never played the video game Hitman. I don’t even know what type of game it is. I’m guessing First Person Shooter. I could be wrong. The movie plot involves a hitman factory that has gone out of business. And an evil group trying to restart the program and build new more deadly hitmen. I don’t know the plot of the game.

Hitman Agent 47 Runs

In the future everyone will run like Tom Cruise for fifteen minutes.

There’s a woman who doesn’t know why she’s always on edge and paranoid, a man who tries to help this woman escape the emotionless killer on her trail, and the emotionless killer on her trail. Spoiler Alert. Somewhere along the way they all switch places. “Okay this time around, you’re the hitman and I’m the victim and she’s the one trying to save me.” And then they switch again. “Now she’s the hitman.”

Quinto and Ware in Hitman Agent 47

“I loved you as Spock .” “I also played Sylar on Heroes.” “I loved you as Spock.”

It’s not clever. They think it’s clever. It’s very inside baseball. There are no regular people in this movie. Everyone’s a hitman or an agent or the target at some point. All the extras in the background have guns under their work clothes. Like Andy Warhol said, “In the future everyone gets to be the hitman for 15 minutes.” Fifteen minutes of a very bad movie.

Zachary Quinto

“I hear they’re looking for a new Bond… James Bond… What? There’s no law that says I can’t be both Spock and James Bond.”

There are a couple of really good fights along the way. And a few too many where it’s too easy. Some gun-fu. Some superhero type shit that defies the laws of physics. And two guards standing with their backs to the door. So everyone’s either dumb and easy to kill or super-powered and practically bulletproof… Did I say practically?

Hitman Agent 47 Unchained

“Ha ha. I let you capture me to infiltrate your secret lair. I’ll just… I’ll just break these… handcuffs… does… dammit… does anyone have the key?”

There is some stupid shit where some of the bad guys have bulletproof skin… no I’m sorry it’s bulletproof underneath their skin. So they still bleed but the bullets don’t kill them. They’re stopped by the sub-dermis or whatever. It’s so stupid. Maybe it’s not supposed to make a ton of sense because it’s a video game movie but why are they all so stupid.

Rupert Friend and Hannah Ware Hitman Agent 47

“Have at you.”

Hitman agent 47 is a terrible movie. But I guess it’s an okay video game movie because if you ignore the plot and the acting and the dialogue and the overall lack of substance and just watch it for the few good fight scenes while ignoring the dumb ones you might not think it’s a monumental waste of time. Also, Zachary Quinto is hot.

– Mel

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