The rules are simple. The good get spared. The bad get spoiled.
Jurassic World (Universal Pictures)
Directed by Colin Trevorrow
Written by Rick Jaffa, Amanda Silver, Derek Connolly and Colin Trevorrow Based on characters created by Michael Crichton
Starring Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Vincent D’Onofrio, Ty Simpkins, Nick Robinson, Omar Sy, B. D. Wong & Irrfan Khan
There were some cute things about this movie. For one, every single time Chris Pratt is on-screen you see his amazing star quality. There are a couple of call-backs to the first Jurassic Park which are… cute and nostalgic. The characters, including the techs in the control room and the main (human) villain, are all very cute. So there were some cute things but for the most part the movie is very bad. Very very bad. The direction is garbage. The writing is laughable. Whenever a character makes a speech, it’s full of clichés that don’t fit the situation. There is a pivotal scene where thousands of people are running wild in the streets of the park trying to get out-of-the-way of flying dinosaurs. It’s a fucking resort. That means there is enough hotel space for every guest and every worker and they just have to go indoors. No deaths. No fatalities. Except for the professionals.
And Bryce Dallas Howard… has she always been this bad an actor? Not only is the character badly written (more on that) but she’s horrible. Badly directed. Badly written. Everything. The movie is so bad it’s silly. The main monster keeps changing size because of bad special effects. The only good plot points are ones found in the original movie from 20 years ago (except the raptors are the good guys now). The PG13 rating means that even the deaths are boring. And I don’t want to play the villain here, but that John Williams Jurassic Park fanfare is awful. John Williams is a genius but that Jurassic Park theme is not his best work. The movie is awful.
Okay the number one thing wrong with this movie is Claire Dearing (Played by Bryce Dallas Howard). The worst female character in an action movie since King Kong and Fay Wray. Every word out of her mouth is insulting to more than half of the human race and should really make the other half cringe.
Firstly she’s a manager. The manager of a jungle theme park on an island near Costa Rica. That should be a good feminist message. Woman in charge. Except for the fact that she’s not. She questions every one of her own decisions and is frequently wrong. She is not only bad at her job. But she’s bad at being bad at her job.
Secondly, she dated Chris Pratt’s character… once. It was a bad date because she was too “organized”. What? She dated one of her employees. Yes, he’s hot. But how much worse can she be at her job? Next, she allows him to talk to her like she’s a little girl. While she not only increases the death count at the park but seems to only care about her two nephews. (by the way. How annoying are these two kids? Well, I was rooting for a grizzly death). Her sister trusts her to take care of these privileged bratty obnoxious kids… but she has no motherly instincts. (And they didn’t give me a bucket for my throw-up).
Lastly, when she is told that her shoes are wrong for running away from wild animals. She wraps her sweater around her waist and rolls up her sleeves. She changes her style of dress to show that she is ready to get her white dress dirty. Nah. This character is too stupid to live. Somebody please eat her. She never takes off her heels. She never gets eaten and the two brats survive while better characters, better people and better actors get killed. I mean c’mon.
And in the end. After dozens of deaths from her staff and hundreds of injuries and fatalities from her guest. And after leaving her post to chase after two brats. She is reduced to a babysitter and this is presented as a positive character development. She completely sucked at her job but her nephews survived (and yes I believe she’s lactating. She’s lactating!) So, sweetie, have you gotten all the silly managerial nonsense out of your pretty little head? Good. Now go make babies with Chris Pratt… that’s all you’re good for.
Jurassic World is the worst movie of the year so far, with the most offensive portrayal of a female lead I have seen in decades. Do yourself a favor. Don’t watch this crap and go watch Furiosa kick some War Boy ass in Fury Road instead.