The rules are simple. The good get spared. The bad get spoiled.
Written by Damon Lindelof, Brad Bird and Jeff Jensen
Poorly written. Badly directed. I wanted to walk out of the movie about a half an hour in but I’m glad I didn’t. I’m glad I stuck it out. Not because Tomorrowland got any better. It did not. It was stupid all the way through. A children’s movie where the creative team must have said to themselves, “It doesn’t have to make sense. It’s for kids and kids are stupid.” A message movie where the message is so sloppily delivered, something about saving the planet, that you leave the theater wanting to pollute and dump toxic waste and increase your carbon footprint, maybe even nuke a smaller country. No. I’m not glad I stuck around for the movie. I regretted that the entire two hours more I had to sit there. But after the movie ended, the manager of the theater gave us all free tickets to any movie we want to see at any time in the future. As an apology. Yes. The movie was that bad. But damn it, had I left, I would’ve missed the free ticket. And also they gave me a free large sprite for my birthday. So yeah…. the movie sucked.
So here’s what I learned. Brad Bird should stick to animated films. It’s what he’s good at. Damon Lindelof writes paint-by-number action movies that make little to no sense. And a romantic death scene between George Clooney and a robot designed to look like a little girl is creepy as all hell. But maybe that’s just me.
First they introduce this magic trick where touching a Tomorrowland pin sends you to Tomorrowland. Well not really. It lets you see Tomorrowland but you’re still in the place where you were when you touched the damn pin. But to see Tomorrowland you have to walk around. Completely blind to obstacles in the real world. Because for some reason it starts you off in a wheat field about a mile away from the city. It’s cute for a laugh. While Casey Newton, played by Britt Robertson, who looks like a thirty year old wearing her ten-year old daughter’s clothes, walks into a wall. And then walks into another wall. Then another. She falls down some stairs. Kids will laugh at that. Unless, of course, they’re over the age of twelve. Then they’ll realize that it’s stupid as fuck. Finally she goes to an open field in the real world so as to not bump into anything. But it’s still not spacious enough to hold the entire city and that stupid fucking wheat field. Why is there a wheat field? She gets on a transport in the illusion. Goes down stairs in the illusion. It is dumb as hell. And this is like the first fifteen to twenty minutes.
So here’s what I learned. Brad Bird should have made Tomorrowland as an animated feature. Then it would be easier to forgive visual leaps of logic. Damon Lindelof should stick to writing TV episodes with characters we already know because character development is not his strong suit. And George Clooney should fire his agent or whoever suggested he do this movie. But maybe that’s just me.
So what do you get for the price of admission? Cartoon action that would have been more appropriate had it been a cartoon. Dialogue that’s so insipid and repetitive, it sounds like Lindelof put a few buzz words and movie clichés into an app on his phone and it wrote the screenplay for him. And nothing more. And what’s the message of Tomorrowland? Because they seem to think they have something important to say. Was it If we think the world is going to shit then it is? Was that the message? Or was it Optimism alone will stop climate change and end all war? Children are the future? Children robots are the future? What are you trying to tell us, Damon? No. Wait. Don’t tell. Keep your dumb-ass sentiments to yourself. I don’t want to know.
So here’s what I learned. Brad Bird should leave Tomorrowland off of his résumé. He directed Ratatoille, The Incredibles and The Iron Giant and he should stop there when listing his credits. Damon Lindelof is a complete moron with very little grasp of human nature; From how they talk to how they think to how they like to be entertained. And George Clooney is a very good-looking man who should read the scripts. Read the damn scripts, George. Don’t just look at the zeroes on the check. Read the script.
Tomorrowland is an awful movie with a confusing and somewhat stupid message, bad dialogue, cartoonish action, and no reason for being. Absolutely no reason for being. It’s a waste of two and a half hours. But if you’re lucky, you’ll get a free ticket to something else and a free large soft drink on your birthday. Fingers crossed.