The rules are simple. The good get spared. The bad get spoiled.
Avengers: Age of Ultron (Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures)
Starring Robert Downey, Jr., Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Don Cheadle, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Elizabeth Olsen, Paul Bettany, Cobie Smulders, Anthony Mackie, Hayley Atwell, Idris Elba, Stellan Skarsgård, James Spader & Samuel L. Jackson
What’s that sound I hear coming from the movie screen? It’s the sound of Joss Whedon trying to be funny and failing miserably. Avengers: Age of Ultron is ruined by three awesomely fantastic things. Three things I so hate to blame for this failure. But I must. I must. Those things are: The Marvel Cinematic Universe as a whole, The Guardians of the Galaxy movie and how much money it made & James Spader… well more accurately, James Spader’s mouth. I did not enjoy myself at the new Avengers movie… and this, my friends, is why my heart was broken.
Avengers: Age of Ultron is the opposite of the Avengers first movie. Where that movie was set up by the many solo movies of its heroes, this Avengers movie seems to exist only to set-up the next movies in each of those franchises. If the Marvel Cinematic Universe were a musical, Avengers: Age of Ultron would be a book number. Designed purely to advance the plot… not a showstopper. Whatever corporate shill who came up with the idea to make a movie that’s sole reason for existing is to set-up the plots for other movies needs to be fired.
Avengers: Age of Ultron is not Guardians of the Galaxy and Joss Whedon is not James Gunn. Nearly every intentionally funny line in Ultron is groan-inducing. The comedy is awful and not organic to the story but seemingly shoehorned in to make the movie “funny” you know like Guardians of the Galaxy (said some executive in some boardroom). That “funny” feeling I got in my stomach was me wanting to vomit every time another character pointed out that Captain America doesn’t like bad language. How is that funny? Avengers: Age of Ultron is not Guardians of the Galaxy and Joss Whedon is not James Gunn. Some one said, Let’s create a preposterously contrived romance between the green character and the pretty one you know like in Guardians of the Galaxy. Maybe it wasn’t because of the romance in Guardians. Maybe instead it was an homage to this very funny, very x-rated Avengers porn GIF with Hulk and Black Widow.
WARNING: Hardcore porn GIF featuring Hulk and Black Widow. Do not click if you do not want to see porn.
Question. Why are the robot’s lips moving? What the hell is that? Talk about your uncanny valley. Could that be any more creepy looking? Nope. I love James Spader. And I realize his disembodied voice on the soundtrack like so much Bane from Dark Knight Rises would have been disconcerting… I suppose, but the animated lips on the metal man were just the perfect amount of What The Fuck to take me right out of the film.
So what DID I like? Vision. Vision was cool as shit. What didn’t I like? The Russian emo twins. And Elizabeth Olsen pulling the “heart” out of a robot and asking it what it felt like. No. No. A thousand times no. What did I like? The serious tone of the movie even while they tried to shove jokes into it later. What didn’t I like? Nearly every action sequence in the film, the use of slow-motion and every single time Cap and Thor did some cutesy maneuver with the shield and the hammer (after the first time they did one). What did I like? The Jeremy Renner side story that was an obvious attempt to make him the anti-American Sniper. What didn’t I like? The stupid cliché of Hawkeye going back for the kid and Quicksilver dying while trying to save them both after the two not liking each other and I expected more from Joss Whedon and the whole thing felt like corporate meddling and now I feel like they’re gonna screw up Star Wars and I’m sick to my stomach because I know Joss is better than what I just watched. Grrr Argh!
So in conclusion, Avengers: Age of Ultron is a money grab designed to set-up future movies like as if the entire film was one of those after-credits scenes. It is rarely funny but too frequently tries to be. The fight scenes are overly cute and use slow-motion to hide the fact that it ain’t that exciting. The twins are way too moody. The plot and dialogue are way too cliché. The romance between Hulk and Black Widow is pointless and the robots mouth moves showing emotion like a cartoon character from a Disney movie… oh right… oops.
But we’ll always have Vision… Vision is bad-ass. My favorite part was when he looks over at Thor and has cape envy. Vision needs his own film. That’s one hot android.
The Vision is definitely bad-ass. And he almost saves the film… Almost.
P.S. They showed the trailer for Ant-Man and it looks amazing. Ah-May-Zing