The rules are simple. The good get spared. The bad get spoiled.
Dracula Untold (Universal Pictures)
Directed by Gary Shore
Maybe it’s just me but stupid movies really piss me off. And Dracula Untold is a stupid movie. The characters do and say stupid things to stupid music for stupid reasons. Dracula Untold is the stupidest piece of crap I have seen in a long time. I tried to watch it without yelling at it, but I failed miserably. I screamed out “This is so stupid!” at about 15 minutes in and then I wouldn’t shut up about it for the rest of the way. Rant city. First of all, why do we need to try to make Dracula the good guy? What the hell, people? Stop with this. But anyway I watched this garbage. And here’s what happened. This is the hell it put me through. Dracula Untold should have remained untold.
Dracula Untold starts out okay. Honestly it does. When you press play the movie starts as all movies do. And that’s pretty much it, because then there were some pictures and sounds and these were very painful. Vlad and his soldiers find an old vampire in a cave. They all die but Vlad escapes and goes back to his kingdom and tries to forget about it. But then the Turkish army want him to give them his son as a show of loyalty, like his father did to him when he was a boy. So he starts a war with an army that outnumbers his 1000:1 because he doesn’t want to. There are a couple Game of Thrones actors in Dracula Untold and one of the things I’ve learned from GoT is that with being royalty comes responsibility and sacrifice. To end a war, the king must do things he doesn’t want to. Often involving sons and daughters (marriages, hostages). But no, not our Vladdy.
Then he goes back to the cave with the old vampire. It should have just killed him and ended the movie right there, but whatever, it turns him into a vampire instead. Vlad thinks it’s a good idea to turn himself into a monster and get EVERYBODY in the kingdom killed to save his son. But he comes back home with his new power and the Turks still destroy his army and his kingdom and kill his wife and take his son and in the end his decision was awful. Just fucking awful. Absolutely the wrong thing to do.
In Dracula Untold, Vlad has three days to defeat the Turks before he’s supposed to revert back to being human. That’s fine. Vampire rules change in almost every story. But if he drinks blood before then he remains a vampire forever. Okay whatever but he has a clock ticking. He can’t go out in the day. So his army goes off without him and he has to catch up to them after dusk. And even when he catches up, he spends the entire time playing with one of the boss bad guys instead of killing him quickly and saving his people. It’s really Stupid. He takes on a battalion alone but takes forever to kill one guy.
He knocks this bad guy off a cliff or something and doesn’t make sure he’s dead, so of course the guy comes back. But that’s not it. After he fails miserably to save anyone and his son is gone and his wife is dying and all his people are slaughtered. The wife tells him to drink her blood so that he can turn into a vampire forever. For the revenge. And so he drinks, turns others into vampires to fight alongside him and goes to rescue his son from the big bad human dude. The other vampires try to kill his son after they finish off all the Turks, so he parts the dark clouds that he created… (oh yeah he makes cloud cover to attack in the daytime. Something that could have helped him before then but whatever). And the clouds part. The sun kills all of them and him. There are tents right next to them. All any of them had to do was step inside one. But instead they all burn. Tents everywhere. All over the place. This movie is so stupid.
But the movie is at its most stupid when, in the main boss battle, the big bad (remember. just a dude not a vampire or anything) puts silver coins on the ground to slow our boy Vladdy down and make him sick. He’s been flying around the whole damn movie and now all of a sudden he decides to walk. The bad guy nearly defeats him because of this silver and also because that’s how action films are supposed to work. But then just before he can plunge a stake through Vlad’s heart, in what I’m thinking the film-makers thought was a tension filled sequence, he flies up off the silver and kills the bad guy with the same wooden stake through his full plate mail. Yeah, all of sudden he can fly again. But not just that. Full… Plate… Mail… against a wooden stake. Yeah. This movie is stupid.
So the movie is over. Thank god. Vlad’s dead. His vampire cohorts are dead. The Turks are all dead. The only one to survive is the kid Vlad was trying to save the whole time, while he allowed his entire kingdom, his army and all his people to be destroyed in a senseless war. Yeah, that worked out pretty well for him. Well, at least it’s over. NOPE think again. Cut to the present day. Somehow Vladdy boy survived the sun. The fucking sun (no explanation). So he’s just at a farmer’s market in some other country. He sees a woman who looks just like his wife. They do their secret handshake or something and start flirting or whatever. I don’t remember. I was too busy yelling, cursing and trying not to vomit from all the stupidity. Oh, and here comes the original vampire from the cave. He’s there too for some reason. He’s healed up and out of his cave and walking around as well. Whatever. What-the-fucking-ever. Roll credits.
Dracula Untold is a stupid stupid stupid stupid movie.