The rules are simple. The good get spared. The bad get spoiled.
KIngsman: The Secret Service (20th Century Fox)
Directed by Matthew Vaughn
Nope. Nope. Too silly. All too silly. Kingsman: The Secret Service is a super-silly, super-spy, action-adventure with some of the most cartoonish comedy violence I have seen in a long time. I’m talking Bugs Bunny level cartoon violence that defies the laws of physics at every turn. It’s a fun movie at times but you have to completely turn off your brain to enjoy this mindless, impossibly bloodless, silly ass, over-the-top, cartoon violence. But even then Kingsman almost won me over when it absolutely abandons any attempt at realism and begins killing people in vibrant exploding colors (not red mind you… every other color but red). But then they went and ended the movie on a butt-sex joke. I’m not kidding. Butt-sex. Roll credits. So now I’m going to spoil the damn thing.
We haven’t had a good spoiling in a while.
Kingsman (which I can’t stop referring to as The Kingsmen) is based on a comic book about a secret society of British super-spies. The movie was written and directed by Matthew Vaughn, who also directed X-Men: First Class. He rips off the X-Men as much as he can here. It’s Kingsmen: First Class. Because half of this story is just Charles Xavier’s school for gifted children except without the powers. No. Wait. Every character in Kingsman: The Secret Service gets to break the laws of physics. That’s their superpower. It reminded me of the movie Wanted with James McAvoy and Angelina Jolie. That movie broke the laws of physics too but they explained it better. Here, it’s just too silly.
Kingsman opens with a bloodless bloodbath that ends with a man being cut in half from head to crotch and yet there’s still no blood. But wait before that a guy jumps on a grenade. But judging by the aftermath you’d think he landed on a marshmallow. This is Natural Born Killers level violence but there’s less blood in this movie than you might get after nicking yourself shaving. I know they gave it an R rating but even with so many beheadings, limbs cut off, gratuitous head shots and mindless graphic violence, loads and loads of senseless graphic violence, it’s not as graphic as it would have been with even the smallest amount of blood. And then there’s the silly music choices. Every over-the-top violent scene has to have its own classic rock theme song. During an especially violent Kentucky hate-church massacre, the parishioners slaughter each other to Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Free Bird. It’s all too silly.
I liked the casting. Colin Firth and Michael Caine play veteran agents to obvious perfection. While Samuel L. Jackson plays the bad-guy. He’s funny, I guess. He plays the villain as a weird combination of Mike Tyson, Spike Lee and Steve Jobs. And he has a bodyguard who’s a cross between Rose McGowan from Planet Terror and Edward Scissorhands from Edward Scissorhands, except it’s her feet that are knives or swords. Edwina Swordfeet, I don’t know. They call her Gazelle and if you stop to think about how her blade legs are supposed to work… you know what. Just don’t. Its…
Sam Jackson is a global warming activist who decides that the only way to save the planet is to introduce a signal that causes people to kill each other, while he saves the wealthy, royals and aristocracy in his mountain bunker. But first he has to plant a chip in their necks to prevent them from being affected by the signal themselves. He sends the signal through free connected devices that he offers the world because he’s a billionaire or some shit. But also, the neck implants can be used to blow their freaking heads off at any time. So more silliness ensues. But it’s not funny. The plot is something out of one of the Police Squad movies but not nearly as funny. Meanwhile, every single man on the bad guy’s security force can’t shoot what’s right in front of them. Honestly, they’re worse than Stormtroopers, but without helmets as an excuse. Too silly.
But that’s not the main story line. The main story is about a kid who gets recruited for the Kingsmen. His father was a candidate who died on a mission. And the movie is about this young man’s intense training and testing to join the X-Men. I mean Kingsmen. Sorry. Kings… X… whatever. Is that an X on their uniform or a sideways K? It doesn’t matter at all, once the school’s private jet rises up out of the ground. Is that Wolverine piloting? No. Of course not. That would be infringement.
But sadly, our hero doesn’t make the cut when at the end of training, they order him to shoot the dog they gave him at the beginning of training (a plot point similar to something from Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD on ABC), but our hero comes back to save the day in the end: Running through thousands of bullets and not getting shot once, Fighting blade girl in a high-flying aerial kick fight where her blades can retract and still somehow cut through bone (Adamantium? Nooooo), Killing Samuel L Jackson’s lisping bad-guy with one of those same foot swords through the back, Saving what’s left of the world, And, if you forgot, going back for the butt sex he was promised by some Scandinavian princess locked in a cell. Zoom into her naked butt… roll credits. Too damn silly.
Kingsman: The Secret Service is just too impossibly silly to be enjoyable.