Just got back from the mostly empty theater where I saw the mostly empty third movie in the Hobbit (cough) trilogy. Frankly, it was not worth the train-fare.
The pacing of the final film is slowed by weird dream sequences and extra-long intense and uncomfortable glances between the characters during what is ostensibly one long battle that lasts the whole movie. And just like in the other two movies, I was aware of the clock the entire time.
There is the obligatory Peter Jackson triple ending. You know, where the movie ends and then ends again and then ends one more time, for good measure. And even though I expected this, after a movie that was essentially an hour and a half of FILLER scenes, it only served to annoy me more.
The first two films of the Hobbit (extra long expanded trilogy edition) suffered from too many comic asides and drawn out effects shots, but the final film was mostly just that stuff. It felt empty and hollow. So much so that even the death of a major character, which is usually a moment that pauses the action and slows the film for emotional effect, seemed like just another pause in the action, destroying any real emotional impact.
Way to screw up a good story, guys. But I loved the creatures though. All of the different kinds of mounts in the movie reminded me of World of Warcraft. Not just horses, wargs and eagles but giant stags, boar and goats. I loved the creatures that the armies are riding. And of course Smaug is gorgeous. The creatures were my favorite part by far.
And I was pleased that they kept the roller coaster ride scene, this one a fight between Legolas and one of the boss Orcs on a crumbling bridge, shorter than An Unexpected Journey’s Goblin mine car ride and The Desolation of Smaug’s Elvish barrel water park ride; two exciting scenes but both seemed more suited for a Spielberg kids movie or an IMAX adventure. This one was shorter. So there’s that.
But now I challenge the film-makers to edit The Hobbit (cough) trilogy down to one enjoyable and action-packed three-hour film. What it should have been in the first place. I own the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the Extended Edition of that trilogy but I don’t even want this one. I can’t even imagine me wanting to sit through this again. And I watch the Lord of the Rings at least once a year. I love that shit.
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies is a waste of time and a waste of money, an insult to one of the best and most accessible fantasy novels of all time, and an outrageous greed-induced time and money-grab. Honestly, Bilbo could have had a bright shining red & white Coca Cola machine in the middle of Bag End and it would have seemed less like begging for more cash.
So in conclusion, the best thing I can say about The Battle of the Five Armies is that the fight between the Ring-wraiths and the Wizards was AWESOME. But the best thing I can say about The Hobbit (cough) trilogy is: “At least it’s over.”