5 Quick Reviews of 5 New DVD Releases in May

Well, it’s that time once again. Time for the big summer movies; the big summer blockbusters in theaters and the big summer DVDs in the mail.

What’s that? You’ve never heard of the big summer DVD releases?

"Stop screwing around or I'm gonna have to shoot you."

“Stop screwing around or I’m gonna have to shoot you.”

That’s because there are none. Distributors want you to leave your house and spend more time in the theaters. So the summer DVD releases are a bunch of crap.

The following five movies are the best I could do with the slim pickings that were offered.

But first a short poem

We’ve got Espionage, History, 
Sci-fi and Mystery.
One movie gives Batman a son.

We’ve got Kristen Bell, Clooney,
Damon, Costner.
But screw me, 
If you’re looking for good films.
There’s ONE.

To the reviews…

First up… the good

Veronica Mars (Warner Bros. Pictures)

Veronica Mars Poster

Directed by Rob Thomas

Written by Rob Thomas & Diane Ruggiero

Starring Kristen BellJason DohringKrysten RitterRyan HansenFrancis CapraPercy Daggs IIIChris LowellTina Majorino & Enrico Colantoni

This is the perfect Veronica Mars movie. Kristen Bell was amazing as the young title character in the TV series and she’s even better as the grown up version. All of the usual suspects are back and there are tons of cool cameos from old favorites and a few surprises. I loved this film. It was the perfect Veronica Mars movie.

Logan and Veronica

I fell in love with Veronica Mars quickly when I watched the first episode on Netflix and then I watched all the episodes in one weekend. By the end of the run I was singing the theme song. “A long time ago. we used to be friends…” I’m so happy they made the movie.

The Sheriffs

“That’s nice. Just please don’t sing.”

I didn’t realize how much I missed these people. Especially the exquisitely beautiful slice of honey in the title role. I can’t say the things I liked about the movie on the blog without giving away the mysteries and the surprises. It’s a mystery… and there are surprises.

Veronica Mars

“If you don’t pull my finger, I can’t do the joke.”

Veronica Mars was a young detective in high school (A lot of people died under mysterious circumstances in her hometown). But if you don’t know Veronica, go watch the Veronica Mars TV series first. This movie was made for fans of the show. In order to fully enjoy it you have to become a fan… wait several years and then watch this movie. It is awesome.

Kristen Bell as Veronica Mars

Everybody sing. “We used to be friends… A long time ago… We used to be friends…”

Rent it (But start at the beginning. The show is really good)

Next up a remake…

RoboCop (Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, Columbia Pictures)

RoboCop Poster

Directed by José Padilha

Written by Joshua Zetumer  Based on Characters by by Edward Neumeier & Michael Miner

Starring Joel KinnamanGary OldmanMichael KeatonSamuel L. JacksonAbbie CornishJackie Earle Haley & Michael K. Williams

RoboCop is a decent enough remake that pays homage to the first film with dialogue from the original movie sprinkled throughout like little nuggets of nostalgia. The problem comes in when the characters say anything else. Those few lines are the best writing in the film.

The Brand New RoboCop

The dialogue is crappy. While RoboCop is still a great story, (we knew that going in) and there is some great casting choices with Keaton, Oldman and Jackson, even the scenes that feature these powerhouse actors are flimsy, hokey and mostly unnecessary.

Samuel Jackson

“Seriously?? Come on, mah brotha. Don’t do me like that.”

Samuel L. Jackson seems so superfluous, it even looks like his scenes were added in post-production. He’s barely part of the story. Like an afterthought.

RoboCop

The writing of this remake left a lot to be desired. As with all of these sci-fi classic reboots, there is the much needed updated special effects and the modernization of the futuristic tech. What we thought was futuristic back in the 80’s is laughable today.

Robocop Black

But in the end, there was no other reason for an update. The original RoboCop is dated, yes, but it is still a great film. The new RoboCop just can’t compete.

Skip it (Move along, citizen. There’s nothing to see here. Move along)

Next some old school international espionage…

3 Days to Kill (Relativity Media)

3 Days to Kill Poster

Directed by McG

Written by Luc Besson with Adi Hasak

Starring Kevin CostnerAmber HeardHailee Steinfeld & Connie Nielsen

First off, the title is misleading. The movie is billed as some kind of “Taken” scenario except with Kevin Costner instead of Liam Neeson. Spoiler Alert! There is no kidnapping. There is no clock. There is no immediacy. The trailer is a lie.

father daughter dance

I have a particular set of skills. None of them are dancing.

3 Days to Kill is about an old CIA operative who finds out he is dying of brain cancer and has three months to live. The title, 3 Days to Kill, comes from the fact that he visits his daughter and estranged wife in Paris. He wants to reconnect before he dies. The wife takes off on a business trip. Leaving him with the girl. So… he and his daughter have… three days to kill. But of course some old CIA business interferes and adventure ensues.

Kevin Costner

It’s a good story. The dialogue is awful and the direction is uneven but the story is interesting (Luc Besson has a good mind for action). But the biggest problems with 3 Days to Kill are the poorly written female characters. They are horrible.

Amber Heard

“Do you like my wig? I’m undercover.”

I’m done with two-dimensional women in movies. There are three female leads in the movie: The mother, the daughter and his CIA handler. They are badly written and annoying. The mother whines and is oblivious. The daughter whines and is obnoxious while the handler is some sort of sexy psychopath. I don’t even know what’s going on there. (Amber Heard is awful but she’s sexy so I guess that’s supposed to be enough).

Stop or Kevin Costner will shoot

It’s a bad movie but it is still an interesting story, as he tracks down the terrorists and tries to reconnect with his daughter while coughing up blood and hallucinating and passing out at the worst moments (always the worst moments), it is fun to watch. And on the other side, the best things are the minor characters. The secondary characters are very real. Luc Besson puts so much effort into building these rich and dynamic minor characters that it makes the main characters and their flatness even more maddening.

Kevin Costner and Hailee Steinfeld

Watch 3 Days to Kill for the colorful characters Kevin Costner comes across in his travels and for Costner’s fine performance despite the bad dialogue. But…

Skip It if you’re as tired of poorly written women as I am. And I am.

Next up animation…

Son of Batman (Warner Home Video)

Son of Batman Poster

Directed by Ethan Spaulding

Written by James Robinson Joe R. Lansdale  Based on Batman and Son by Grant Morrison and Andy Kubert

Starring Jason O’Mara, Stuart Allan, Morena BaccarinGiancarlo EspositoXander BerkeleyThomas Gibson & David McCallum

The kid is annoying.

Batman and Son Private Detectives

“I’m not that annoying.”

There are some good fights and action sequences but everyone flies around like Yoda in Attack of the Clones. It is distracting. In live-action movies that’s fine but in cartoons it just makes all the characters seem lighter than air. Like they have no weight. (w/o the force)

Damian Wayne al Ghul

“I’m not that annoying!”

The story is kind of cool though. Batman finds out he has a son by Talia al Ghul who has been raised by the League of Assassins and her father Raj. So, Batman has to teach the kid not to kill people as the two try to avenge the boy’s granddad’s death and save the city.

Son of Batman

“I bet if I was Robin you wouldn’t think I was annoying.”

All I have to say is the kid is annoying.

Skip it.

Now some history…

The Monuments Men (Columbia Pictures, 20th Century Fox)

The Monuments Poster

Directed by George Clooney

Written by George Clooney & Grant Heslov  Based on The Monuments Men by Robert M. Edsel

Starring George Clooney, Matt DamonBill MurrayJohn GoodmanJean DujardinBob BalabanHugh Bonneville & Cate Blanchett

The Monuments Men has a great cast. It really does. Most of these people couldn’t turn in a bad performance if they were trying. And It’s also a good story. An important story. A story about saving famous artwork from the nazis. I just didn’t like the direction.

The Monuments Men

The Monuments Men is an epic story that spans several countries and several years but George Clooney has the story spread out so much that it loses its narrative focus.

Cate Blanchett and Matt Damon

The Monuments Men plays like a collection of loosely related scenes. And except for the ending, which is pretty cool, it is, literally, all over the place. Not Clooney’s best work.

George Clooney and Matt Damon

“What the fuck did he just say?”  “Wow.”

A historically important story, sure. A good story, yes. Great cast, absolutely. But because the characters spend most of their time in different countries. There was too much going on and it doesn’t make for a good movie. It is not a good movie.

Skip it. A couple of good scenes, some history and great actors but not a good movie.

and lastly… Vampires that don’t sparkle (It is now a requirement that they tell you they don’t sparkle. Thanks Meyer)

Vampire Academy (The Weinstein Company)

Vampire Academy Poster

Directed by Mark Waters

Written by Daniel Waters  Based on Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead

Starring Zoey DeutchLucy FryDanila KozlovskyGabriel ByrneDominic SherwoodOlga Kurylenko & Sarah Hyland

Vampire Academy is so very bad… it is almost good. It almost makes it to the other side of bad and back around to enjoyable bad. But the movie spends more time trying to be cute than it needs to. It talks down to its audience so severely that it’s annoying.

Rose

And Vampire Academy, at its core, is a misguided cross between Twilight and Harry Potter. Vampire Academy may have made a good book but there is just too much explaining. So much back story before anything happens. And they rush through it.

Vampire Academy

The characters have to speed through pages and pages of exposition and then the writer adds these hokey sitcom jokes on the end of each speech. The guy directed Mean Girls. And I loved Mean Girls. But it was good because it was written by Tina Fey and that’s it.

Rose, Lyssa and Natalie

But there are still some fun parts to the movie. Sarah Hyland is a surprise highlight to the story. She plays a nerdy vampire with just enough awkwardness and comic relief to make her likeable. And of course Sarah Hyland is a great comedic actor.

Sarah Hyland

“What? Is there something behind me? What?”

And Gabriel Byrne and Joely Richardson are good. But other than that, there is very little to like about Vampire Academy. The music choices are awkward and mishandled. The acting is awful and, like I said, the dialogue is mostly long explanations and bad jokes.

The Vampire Academy Girls

Yet underneath all the bad I could tell there was a fun story about young vampires at school that was so poorly directed and so badly scripted that anything good from the novel was lost in all the crappy crappiness. I really wanted to hate it enough to like it. I didn’t.

Skip it (but honestly it’s almost so bad that it’s kind of good)

So to recap…

There were two movies about heartless killing machines trying to reconnect with their family, RoboCop and 3 Days to Kill. Both with a few cool action scenes but both with horrible writing and dialogue.

There were two movies about famous detectives having family problems of their own, Son of Batman and Veronica Mars. One of them a fun and exciting romp down memory lane and the other one a new memory I’d like to forget. (the kid is annoying)

And there were two movies about a group of friends trying to preserve and survive their brush with history, The Monuments Men and Vampire Academy. Neither one of them very good but only one of them based on a true story. (I’ll let you figure out which one)

Thank you for your service. You deserved a better movie.

Thank you for your service. You deserved a better movie.

And that’s five.

Okay that was actually six but Son of Batman was sort of a freebie.

Now if only we could convince them to release some good DVDs for June.

But don’t worry, if they don’t, I’ll dig up something cool, maybe even something foreign.

See you on the couch,

– Mel

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The Wind and The Water (for Maya)

Maya Angelou

we are the wind and the water
when we are weak
we drink in dreams
we breathe out a world
we have come to mourn
the death of my will
my missing piece
my missing self
and words

you see
I no longer have the will
to do much of anything
I can barely summon the effort it takes
to breathe air
or to drink water
I am weak
we are wind and water
when we are weak
and without will
I am only words

this hunger grows
this hunger grows
this hunger is the only call
my body answers or will
but even that has to scream
until my head aches
to gain my attention
feed us
feed us
feed us
(how does Chinese sound to you guys?)

we are hunger
and I don’t feel it
we are thirst
and I don’t quench it
we are missing in action
missing
inaction
and it feels like I don’t care
call it what you will
but it takes too much effort to care
and words

so I try to sleep
but sleep is even harder
and morning is inevitable
and night will waste away
but I will not mourn
the loss of day
or night
for I no longer have the will to morn
the will to night
the will to blame
my loss of will
on weakness alone
and words

Is this all I am?

Question:
a man who can not finish a thing?

Answer:
a man who won’t accomplish a thing

Question:
with this weakness I am?

Answer:
a boy,
the least significant
the most ordinary

a boy
his life taken for granted
ignoring wind
and water
and words

Is this the image I am?
moreover a child
helpless and alone
forever a boy
feckless and afraid
but never a man
without will
only words
and words
and words I have always been

I write them down
and wither away
without will
unfed
without will
unseen
without will
unloved
without will
I write them down
and words

I may not have the energy for worldly concerns
I may be too weak to face the storm
or not be washed away by the tide
but the wind and the water will carry my words
even when I’m gone
words like energy are forever
words like time capsules
words like bottled messages
words like waves of sound
echo inexhaustibly in the ether

dehydrated and starved
I write
passing out from a lack of oxygen
I write
without will or a way to save myself
I write
even from myself
I write
and words
I write
and dreams
I write
and still
I write them down

we are the wind and the water
when we are weak
we are breath
and we are bodies
but without will
I am only words

– Mel

for Maya

X-Men: Days Of Future Past Is A Great Superhero Epic

Another great Days of Future Past review. This is exactly why I didn’t write my own. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Starloggers

X posterX-Men: Days Of Future Past is a return to form for the X-Men film franchise and it’s more than that. It rectifies the misfires made with the franchise since the film’s director Bryan Singer left it to do Superman Returns. But more significantly, Singer has delivered the best X-Men film to date, even eclipsing favorites like X2: X-Men United and X-Men: First Class.

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????The fifth X-Men film (not counting the Wolverine solo efforts) is a loose adaptation of the classic Chris Claremont/John Byrne comic book story arc in The Uncanny X-Men #141-142 where mutants are facing extinction in the future and one mutant’s consciousness is sent back in time to prevent the mutant holocaust at the hands of giant Sentinel robots. The opening scenes in X-Men: Days Of Future Past take place in the grim, dark future where mutants are being mercilessly hunted down by advanced, adaptive Sentinels. In…

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Movie review: ‘Days of Future Past’ ranks among the best entries in ‘X-Men’ franchise

Evan Peters as Quicksilver steals the movie with lightning speed and thunderous applause.

Box Office Buzz

xmen_wordpressAs I walked out of the movie theater last weekend, I couldn’t help but be haunted by a slight sense of lingering disappointment. “Godzilla” — one of my most anticipated movies of the summer — was a lot of fun, with plenty of monster mayhem, but it didn’t quite live up to the high hopes I had for it. However, my box office blues didn’t last long, thanks to the arrival of this week’s “X-Men: Days of Future Past.” Not only is it one of the best films in the X-Men franchise, it will probably make a strong case for my favorite movie of the summer.

“X-Men: Days of Future Past” opens with a bleak version of the future, landing viewers in the middle of a post-apocalyptic battle that threatens to doom Earth’s remaining mutants. Faced with the extinction of their kind, long-time friends/enemies Magneto and Professor X decide to…

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Return of the Photos (from around the block) TWO

It was looking gorgeous outside today.

So I took my camera with me and swung by all three of my local parks.

Here are the photos…

If you don't mind, I'm just gonna leave these pictures here.

If you don’t mind, I’m just gonna leave these pictures here.

Simpson's Clouds The Siiimpsonnnns

Simpson’s Clouds
(The Simmmpsonnnn’s)

Thought this little guy looked like a dragon

Thought this little guy looked like a dragon.

A beautiful day in the neighborhood

A beautiful day in the neighborhood

Lots of people out on the avenue

Lots of people out on the avenue

The sun was in the clouds

The sun was in the clouds

But the flowers were soaking up all the could

But the flowers were soaking up all they could

The clouds were looking lovely today

Yeah. The clouds were looking particularly lovely today

Looks like the balls are segregated in the prison yard

Looks like the balls of summer are still segregated in the prison yard. “Fellas. Can’t we all just get along?”

Not a flower... still pretty.

Not a flower… still pretty.

...instead of concrete jungle

“…instead of concrete jungle” (sing it Bob)

This one was my personal favorite from today

This one was my personal fave from today and should make the yearly best of…

I think that's might be my plane

I think that just might be my plane

Just time enough for a few more flowers

Time enough for a few more flowers

I'm outta here

I’m outta here.

See you guys next installment.

I’m gonna go make a banana split w/ Ben & Jerry’s Americone Dream and bacon sprinkles.

Later

– Mel

What She Said

What she said
Was said to hurt me
But it didn’t
Much as hurt
As make me sad

It would have hurt me more
If the words were fat and ugly
And that doesn’t hurt me at all
(well maybe a little)
Hell no

It would have hurt me more
If the words were small and inadequate
And that wouldn’t hurt me
Even if it’s true
(It’s not true right?)
Hell no

Know
What she said
Said more about her
Than what she thought of me
no?

Know
What she said
Said more about how she was raised
Than how my ego would be felled
no?

no
no
Know what’s coming out
Of your fucking mouth
Before it opens
(sorry)
And we all know what she said

She said
She didn’t know history
She said
She didn’t respect culture
She said
She didn’t understand this country’s violent past
Or its struggles with equality
She said

She said she didn’t know me at all
She didn’t respect me at all
Not my family
My friends
My heroes
My heroes

My heroes
Who died cold and alone at the bottom
Who died flayed and exposed in fields
Flaming
From ropes
Flaming
Out on corners
Flaming in their cells
Flaming in their bodies
Flaming throughout history
She said

She said it all
With just two words

And it surprised
The fuck out of me
Because I didn’t know
What I’d not known for years
Didn’t know
She had
Those words
In her arsenal

And it only hurt me
Because she thought it would hurt me
Like it was some kind of insult
To me

And it only hurt me
Because she used them to hurt me
Like they were some sort of WMD

I’ve heard the words
I’ve said the words
I’ve written the words
And hated the words
Words that mean
Many different things
To many different people

Sometimes said in jest
Sometimes said in sex
But mostly said in anger
Followed by violence and death
Yet the way she said them
Only made me sad

Because it meant I didn’t know her
And she thought we weren’t equals
And she probably was a bigot
Even though she liked to fuck me
Now and then I think about it
And it makes me want to vomit
’cause she thought I’d be embarrassed
Maybe even get me angry
And her friends would say we told you
Not to get involved with faggots
’cause they’re mostly good for nothing
‘cept for fucking and for shopping
And her ex would say I told you
Not to get involved with niggers
’cause they’re mostly good for nothing
‘cept for fucking and for dancing
Then the screeching of my mother
In my mind just like a banshee
Saying something about whitey
Even worse about my gender

and
I
can not
hear her
shit
right
now!

What she said
Simply
Was that I’d lost a friend

She said I’d lost a friend

She said there is no way we two could be friends
And she said it
With just two words

– Mel