It is not okay…

date-rape

It is not okay.

I was watching four women I respect talk about romance books in what they call The Vaginal Fantasy Book Club. I have been a fan of, and am a fan of, all of them. And I enjoy listening to them talk about books I will probably never read. I even feel like it helps me with my writing. The conversation they were having morphed into a mini discussion about rapey sex in novels.

One of the men in the book they were discussing started to have sex with a woman while she was sleeping.

That’s not okay.

Then they talked about times when it is okay: Like if she’d said so before hand. If you’ve been together a long time, And you know her well enough to know that she wouldn’t be bothered by it. But never if he doesn’t know her and she didn’t say it’s okay. Never.

I absolutely agreed. Most rapists are someone the person knows. It’s an epidemic that needs to be eradicated from the earth.

Then from out of nowhere one of the women says, “…unless it’s a guy. Guys like that stuff.” And they all agreed. I think they laughed.

what???

So it’s okay to rape a guy because guys like sex?

If he wanted to fuck you (and you wanted to fuck him), he would have done so before he went to sleep.

Men are not just fuck machines and women are not just sex objects. And I say this knowing that I have sexually objectified women (and men) probably every single day of my life. I’m not proud of it. I like sex… when it’s consensual.

If we know each other well, that’s one thing. Obviously if I said it’s okay then it’s okay but if we have never had sex before, didn’t even start out in the same bed, it is not okay for a woman, no matter how “hot” she is, to climb aboard my night wood.

(On a side note, Climb Aboard My Night Wood would make a good title… for something… but I digress)

Book Club

So, I think this bothered me because I’ve been raped before (twice actually… once by a man [which is not the way I’m talking about] and once) by a woman.

We started off in separate rooms (she was my friend’s girlfriend) and while I was sleeping, she decided to “Climb Aboard My Night Wood.” She didn’t even bother to put a condom on me. Freaked me the fuck out. And you know if I would have come (I didn’t) and she had gotten pregnant (she didn’t) I know she would have had the kid (She was Catholic) and the state would have made me pay for this crazy woman’s baby. (But that’s a completely different conversation altogether though)

It is not okay, is what I’m trying to say now.

If me and this girl have never had sex. (I don’t care if she thinks I want it) And if I’m not expecting it. (I don’t care if we were flirting all night). And, in this case, I don’t care if I was homeless and needed a place to stay, she had better be wearing a helmet on her head, if she thinks it’s okay to climb aboard my night wood.

Because I woke up and, like I said, I freaked out. I was only inside her for a second or two (that’s still rape and still long enough for me to have impregnated her or gotten an STD) but I knocked her off me violently and forcefully.

Rainn Wilson

Not funny Rainn.

But I’m the one who apologized, because in her mind, and I guess in the book club’s mind, all guys want it and I’m the one with the erection. I would not have had sex with my friend’s girl. I would not have had sex with HER. And I would not have had sex without a condom. (But I also apologized because I was the one in need of a place to sleep and I had knocked her to the floor).

But, what I’m trying to say is, an erection is not an invitation, especially if you haven’t already been sleeping with the person.

Having an erection can mean a lot of things and only one of them is “I want to have sex with you.” The same qualifiers apply for men that you made for women.

So, guys, I love your podcast and I still respect each and every one of you. I follow you on social media. Take your suggestions for TV and movies and games and books with weight. But this is an ignorance you need to correct. You think it’s okay to rape a guy because guys like sex.

It is not okay.

The Noose

But before I hang myself here, I want to say that I am not in any way comparing this to violent rape. I was twice her size and easily pushed her off of me, when I woke up. (when I was raped by a man I was half his size and not able to get him off of me and only one of these people do I fantasize about killing… okay now I’m crying) But they are both rape.

And it is not okay.

It is not okay to say it.

And it is not okay to think it.

I’m probably too much of a coward to e-mail this to any of you. So I’m just going to post it to my blog. Maybe it will help someone. And like I said, I’m a big fan. But it upset me. I expected better. Felicia, Veronica, Kiala, Bonnie. I expected better.

– Mel

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4 thoughts on “It is not okay…

  1. Good one Mel. Rainn is usually more thoughtful and sensitive than that remark. I can’t say that was ever one of my fantasies (to be on either side). It was the fantasies (pretend sleep) of a women I dated and although it was under completely safe and consensual role play, I still found it creepy. Wasn’t into it. So it’s not okay, it’s NEVER okay! For ANYONE! Under any circumstances.

    Thanks Mel

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    • Yeah. I was with a girl once who liked to play pretend rape. I thought it was kind of… you know what I’m not going to judge. But you do what your partner wants if you want to get laid. I have no problem with anyone’s idea of consensual sex. Except for food. Why do people like to mix the two? That was always something that a lot of people did that I couldn’t wrap my head around. (“You want to put chocolate on me? [or whip cream or whatever?] Can we already be in the shower when this happens?) but that’s just me because, like I said, a lot of people like that.

      Thanks for the comment. I was thinking about deleting this post but I won’t. I’ll leave it up. Maybe I’ll just bury it with two posts about movies and one about boobies. Yeah that sounds more like me.

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      • Don’t bury this, it’s important. The food angle is new but as a self confessed germaphobe, (Mysophobia is the correct term) I have to concur. I tried it once in college and it tasted better on the ice cream. So that ended that.

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      • I’m just saying that there are 7 billion people with 7 billion different feelings about sex or sex acts but as long we all agree on what consensual means and respect the fact that everyone is different we should be fine as a society. It’s just when people start to point and say this is deviant or this is not “normal” based on what they personally feel that we run into problems and prejudice. And when it is impossible for a partner to consent (because they’re asleep or too young or not human or not living or way too fucking drunk etc etc) it is never okay.

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