Mandatory Loyalty Tests


Being paranoid is hard work.

Constantly testing everyone’s loyalty can be exhausting.
So, to make things easier, I will be implementing the following procedures on a regular schedule:

Polygraph Tests for my friends

Sodium Pentothal for my lovers &

Enhanced CIA Interrogation for my relatives

Participation is mandatory

Do you love this man?

That’s a picture of you, Mel.

Let the record show that the subject has identified and recognizes the man in the picture.

What the hell, Mel? You drag me in here. Hook me up to this machine…

Do you Love him?

Who are all these people?

Just answer the question! Do you love the man in this picture?

Yeah… I guess. Even though he’s pissing me off right n-


That statement is true, sir.

Oh… okay… great… well, that’s all I wanted to know. Thanks for coming in. There are snacks in the recovery room and um…. I’ll see you next anxiety attack and/or freak out. Sorry.

Get some help, Mel. I beg you.


Yes, sir?

Send in the next one.



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