These are the questions I get asked too often. The ones that get under my skin. Asked by people who are either trying to piss me off or they don’t know better. I made a list. So now you know. (and knowing is half the battle… G.I. Joe)
1) Where are you from? (Regional)
Implying- You must not be from around here because the people who look like you in this neighborhood aren’t as (smart, well-spoken, talented, motivated) as you are. You must be from somewhere else.
This is not a compliment. You are insulting an entire race of people and using me to do it. Fuck you.
2) Where are you from? (Global)
Implying- I don’t recognize your accent. or You speak English so well you must be from another country.
Not as accidentally racist as the first one but still pretty bad. Also you must only watch reality shows because you can find people who speak English without a regional accent on The News or Talk Shows.
3) Are you okay? (Judgmental or Compassionate)
Are YOU okay? I know you’re asking about ME but it’s obvious that you’re concerning yourself with my life as a way of neglecting your own. How about you get your shit together before you offer help to someone else. Don’t use me as a way to avoid your own life. Also, if I’m not gasping for air or waking up from being unconscious, the question is annoying.
4) What’s your name? (Conversation Starter)
Do I know you? No, wait. That’s not the right question…
Do I want to know you? That’s better.
If we’re introduced by someone else that’s cool. If we start talking and hit it off there will probably be a point where we learn each others name. But if the first thing you have to say to me is “What’s your name?” I have to tell you, that is too personal a question for a complete stranger in the internet age. Take a step back.
What’s my name? My name is leave me the fuck alone. That’s my name.
5) What size shoe do you wear? (From Any One Except A Shoe Salesman)
Everyone who grew up in an urban area recognizes this question. When someone asks you what size shoe you wear it is a way of saying “Give me your shoes” or “I’ll be taking them from you later” or if you’re living on the street, it’s a way of saying “You will wake up tomorrow without shoes.” (Why a lot of homeless sleep on them)
But the best answer to this question is always “Your size. They’re your size.” and then you give ’em the death stare.
6) Where do you live? (For Any Reason Other Than “Let’s go to your place and have sex.”)
If what you mean is “Do you live around here.” (also a Sex Question most of the time) then say that, please.
Where do you live? is something you ask a lost child. (“Do you know your address? Let’s go find your mommy.”)
7) Do you work here? (Retail)
I don’t have to work here to help someone who needs help HOWEVER this nametag with the store logo on it and my name under that, should serve as a hint.
But I know why people do this. It’s because they want to avoid the asshole answer.
Here’s an example exchange:
“Excuse me. Do you know where the blah blah blah is?”
Turns slowly. Makes a snotty annoyed face and says. “What do I look like, I work here?”
“No sir, I just thought you might know where it was. I’m sorry to bother you.”
“Actually I think it’s over there.”
“Oh. So you DO know where it is. Then why the attitude?”
“I don’t know. I’m sorry about that.”
“It’s okay. You wanna make out?”
“Sure. You live around here?”
8) Why can’t you act normal? or What’s wrong with you? (An Insult)
They think this is an insult.
And that’s what I say to them.
“Wow. You think that’s an insult. That’s kind of sad. And it says more about you than it says about me. Now please move out of my way. I need to continue with my silly dancing. It’s Autumn, you know.”
9) Can I help you? (Instead of May I help you?)
Not a grammar thing, but a difference in implication.
May I Help, is someone who wants to help who is asking for permission. Very nice.
Can I Help is several things. All bad.
You look like you need help and I can’t stand watching you fumble around in the darkness of your ignorance.
or What are YOU doing here? and How can I get you to leave?
Some people are able to say CAN I while actually meaning MAY I and vice versa. It’s really an attitude thing.
And the last question I do not like to be asked…
10) What do you do? (All day, With Your Time, For A Living)
The only thing I do all day is breathe. I breathe for the entire day. Non-stop.
The greatest chunk of my time is spent sleeping. I sleep away a third of the day. I can’t seem to help it.
And I do what everyone else does to stay alive; What ever they have to do.
I AM NOT WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING
But if what you wanted to know is what do I LIKE to do, then you should have asked that. I can talk about that all day.
But I’ll tell you what I don’t like to do…
Answer annoying questions.