This is my FUCK-IT list.
This is a list of things I have wanted to do at one point in my life but realize now that I will never do.
While there are still some things I hope to get to do before I die, these are the things about which I just have to say FUCK IT I’m not going to get to do them.
1. Be Wealthy
I wanted to be rich only once in my life, for about 20 minutes one Autumn night in the early 90’s. I wanted to buy more crack but had little money and I thought to myself, “Wouldn’t it be great to be rich and be able to buy ALL the crack.” That feeling passed. I had never wanted be rich before that or since.
2. Have Sex with a Movie Star
I’ve had sex with two different people (a man and a woman) who have done porn after I hooked up with them but never before we had sex. The girl just did an amateur but the guy was pretty big for a while. (that sentence just happened). But I never got a chance to say, “I’m fucking a porn star RIGHT NOW.” And actually that doesn’t really count as a movie star. I always wanted to be a star fucker but never got the chance.
3. Bring Someone Back from The Dead
I’m not talking about superpowers. Medical professionals do it all the time. I’m talking about someone who is about to die or who just died and I breathe life back into them. ” Don’t you die on me!” Never done that. I have seen 4 people die in front of me. (Not a large number considering… my life) I tried to comfort two of them, just watched one die, unable to move and actually made fun of the fourth (I thought he was faking. He was a bit of a dick. I’m not proud) I couldn’t have saved these people even had I been a surgeon but it didn’t stop me from wanting it.
4. Learn To Fly
An aircraft under my control or my power or even just a controlled free fall. I’ve been in planes, helicopters and a hot air balloon but always as a passenger. I want to fly. But flying lessons at this point would be a waste of money. I could jump out of an airplane but it takes 10 times before they let you go by yourself. Maybe I will be a bird in my next life. Maybe I’ll be Birdman, Attorney at Law.
5. Play Music for an Adoring Crowd
Who doesn’t want to feel like a rock star? I’ve played music in front of small crowds, sometimes they even paid me but a stadium full of screaming fans… that’ll never happen.
6. Travel Into Space
Low orbit or better yet deep space, maybe go to the moon. Recently I have wanted to go to Mars. Perhaps once I leave this flesh anchor behind I will be able to visit the stars.
7. Be Celebrated
This is akin to the rock star fantasy but a little more grounded. This is about being loved for something I’ve done. Something I’ve written or created. The critics love it. The people love it. I’m doing all the talk shows. Attracting a substantial amount of haters (that’s when you know you’ve done something). Maybe a few awards. Oscar, Pulitzer, Peabody… Nobel? It’s not about the money. It’s more about respect. But this will never happen because in most cases it begins with talent. I have an abundance of ego but a shortage of talent.
8. Play For or Manage a Professional Team
This one expired a long time ago, a dream for the young, but I always wanted to play baseball. Play on or manage the Mets or the Yankees. And coach football. never wanted to play American Football. (playing football is just crazy pants. why would anyone want to do that to their body?) Guiding the Giants or the Jets to another Superbowl though would be cool. Or to win a pro (video) gaming tournament. However once again I have no talent. But I still think I could coach the team better than most of these numb-nuts.
9. Inspire World Peace
Yeah, I said I had an ego problem.
I wanted to sit down with world and religious leaders and bring the tough love. You know, smack ’em around a bit in the name of peace. (“What’s that Putin?” SMACK “Shut your mouth. I’m talking about peace.” “What are you laughing at Your Eminence? Don’t make me come over there and smack a bitch.”) But that’s not gonna happen now.
10. Be Forgiven by Everyone I’ve Wronged
This one became impossible after the first person on that list died. And as more of them passed and it also became obvious that there is nothing I can say or do to change what people feel about me, I’ve become aware that it will never happen. I will not be forgiven. Maybe one of these days I will be able to forgive myself but I will never be able to control others or change the past. Not without help. (And by that I mean a Time Machine, Mind Control or Alternate Reality. You know, the big three)
And with that I put these 10 fantasies to bed. And I say Fuck it. I will not get to do the things on this list. But beyond these…
Anything is Possible.
I still have lots of time.