Catwoman vs. Black Widow (Poll Results)

Catwoman Wins

In my most successful poll to date, (33 people voted) pitting this summer’s babes-in-black head to head, based I suppose on popularity& hotness, Catwoman wins 61% to 39%.

Congratulations to Catwoman on her glorious victory.

What does she win?

I’m thinking a spin-off prequel starring Anne Hathaway.

But maybe that’s just me.

Anyway, If you need me, I’ll be consoling Black Widow in the Batcave.

(what’s that you say? You can’t have Black Widow in the Batcave because she’s Marvel & the Cave is DC? Shut Up. It’s my fantasy)

– Mel

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The Dark Knight Rises vs. The Avengers (Round 3)

Now that I have seen both movies…

The Directors

Joss Whedon vs. Christopher Nolan

I’m sorry kids I’m going to have to call this fight before it even begins.

There is no contest.

Joss Whedon, though I love him dearly, makes great TV.

Serenity is a fantastic made for TV movie. Genius and enjoyable. But in the end it’s just a super-sized double episode of Firefly. Crowd pleasing as hell, yes but nothing more. Avengers is the same but with a much much much bigger budget & higher-priced talent. Extra heavy on the crowd pleasing and a great time at the movies.

But Christopher Nolan makes films. Rich tapestries. Carefully woven stories. Movies that make you think.  And make you pay attention. Amazingly well-made movies. Like all 3 Batman films, Inception, Memento & more

The Dark Knight Rises is, in my opinion, a better film than the Avengers in almost every way.

It will not make as much money but it is better.

Where The Avengers is an amusement park ride that once its over you want to get back in line and go again (A lot of fun and will make shit-tons of money). The Dark Knight Rises is a story. It’s a novel that you will want to pick up over and over discovering something new each time. It rounds out the trilogy so beautifully that they become one amazing Batman story.

Batman Begins (which I like more since the third movie) The Dark Knight (a great film even without Heath Ledgers’ performance) & The Dark Knight Rises form my 3rd favorite trilogy of all-time.

(after Star Wars & Lord of the Rings but if you didn’t know that by now, where you been?)

And the great performances, another mark of a Christopher Nolan film are there as well. This one has great turns by Anne Hathaway & Marion Cotillard & Joseph Gordon Levitt but all three films have wonderful acting from Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman & Christian Bale among others.

Did I say yet that I loved The Dark Knight Rises?

I loved The Dark Knight Rises.

Especially Anne Hathaway.

She is outstanding.

But I was already in love with her. Now it’s just official.

And Tom Hardy as Bane is immensely enjoyable.

Though I would have liked a better voice for him, (It sounded sometimes like he was speaking off camera) he does a sensational job with the character and the character’s emotions without ever having to show his face.

And before I start getting into spoilers, I’m going to end it right there.

But suffice it to say the ending of this movie made me do a little dance in my seat (and it wasn’t because I had to go pee… it’s 2 & a half hours long so it wasn’t ENTIRELY because I had to go pee)

– Mel

P.S. spoilers are allowed in the comments section


Guns in the Church

I grew up in movie theaters.
It’s where I learned about the human condition.
Where I discovered my love for story-telling,

It’s where I had my first sexual experience
and my first paying job.
The theater is where I went for refuge
from the abusers,
for shelter
from the loneliness
and for warmth
on long cold rainy nights.

It is my institute of learning,
my place of worship,
my home,
my church.

Do not bring guns into my church.








– Mel

Jails, Judges & Jokes

I enjoy making judges laugh.

I guess that’s a weird thing to say isn’t it.

But when you’ve been homeless and a drug users as long as I have, and have impulse control problems (and are mentally ill. But of course I didn’t realize it back then because I was always high or drunk, literally self-medicating) you find yourself in front of judges often. (Usually after a day or two in a cell)

And if you’re like me and you take absolutely nothing seriously and you like making people crack up in intense situations, you try to make the courtroom laugh.

Not a hard thing to do really.

In a tension filled room, a properly timed and appropriately short, respectful and funny comment said loud enough so that everyone can hear can cause the entire room to explode with laughter.

Okay maybe not easy for everyone but it’s easy for me. I’ve been doing shit like that all my life. But if you can make the judge laugh as well then you’ve done something.

There’s a line, a few lines actually, that you cannot cross. So much so that it’s better to not say anything than to do it wrong.

Firstly, it can’t seem like you’re making a joke. Self-defacing humor is good. An epic exaggeration is good. If you can throw in the fact that you just spent 2 days in a holding cell that’s always good too.

Secondly, it has to come organically meaning you can’t ask to speak just to tell your joke. You have to wait until you have been asked a direct question and it has to seem like it’s sort of the answer to the question.

Thirdly, and very important you cannot laugh or smile at your own joke. Especially if it goes over well. A well placed “I’m sorry” during the laughter is a good idea and a good humble statement right after is also a good practice.

Lastly, speak the hell up. Everyone has to hear you and hear the humbling statement afterward in the silence. You have gotten everyone’s attention. Say something sweet and humble.

Then shut the hell up and lower your eyes. You’ve won over the room & you’ve made the judge actually look at you, quite possibly like you. Don’t spoil that by showing ANY EGO.

Trust me. I’ve been arrested more times than I can count and I have never spent an hour in prison (hell, with my ego and my temper I wouldn’t survive a day).

But after several trips to court, the last guy kind of blew my whole act up and basically said If you come before a judge again (it will be me and) I will send you to prison. I don’t care why.

I think I made him like me too much. So he wanted to help me. And He did really. I haven’t been arrested since. I guess that’s all I needed to hear.

“You’re charming. You’re funny. You’re going to prison.”


“Because I like you, I’m sending you to prison.”


You know who else I like to make laugh?


Right before they’re going to work on me. I like to break the entire operating room up. Somewhere between the gurney & the table I’m doing schtick.

So that just as I’m going under I’m thinking: “Everybody in this room likes me, I’ll be just fine.”

I haven’t died in surgery once.

I guess what I’m trying to say is; If someone holds your life in their hands, make ’em laugh.

– Mel

Falling Objects

My hands shake

I’ve always been
A nervous man
Since I was a
Nervous child
And consequently
I drop stuff

Nervously fumbling
With things in my hand
Then helplessly watching them
Crash to the ground

Objects in my grasp
Were only
Temporarily there
Literally slipping
Through my fingers

But I noticed something
Something interesting
As they dropped
Time would slow
As they fell
Time would crawl
The more fragile the item
The slower the passing of time

So presumably I had all the time in the world
Theoretically I could catch an item before it hit the ground
Instead of watching slack-jawed In horror

As it broke in slow-motion

I began to practice
Not on purpose of course
But I drop a lot of stuff
And got a lot of practice

Try to catch it
Try to stop it
Before it lands
Before it breaks

I began by moving my foot underneath the object
To break its fall
Or even kick it into the air
But depending on the object this was a momentary reprieve from destruction
Or worse

Very painful to my toes
If the thing were sharp or heavy

Then I started trying to immediately squat to the floor once I dropped something
A deep knee bend as soon as the item left my hand
Falling faster than the object and beating it to the floor

I began to save things
Snatching them from the inevitable collision

And then I got good
I got confident
Instead of fumbling
with the egg
Or the glass
Or the gadget
I would let it go
And catch it out of the air.

Through the years I got quicker
And quicker
To the point where
I could catch something out of the air
After I’d dropped it

But age has slowed my reflexes
And has not calmed my nerves
And my knees
They don’t bend that deep
That fast
And my saving rate has taken a sharp decline
So once again objects in my grasp are only temporarily there

She once said to me
“We don’t own things.
We keep them safe for a short time

And then they are gone.”
But she may have just been justifying the fact

That she was robbing me blind
Taking little things from me
Like gravity
Snatches things from my hands

But when I was good
When I was fast
When it would drop
When I would save it
To the average observer
It looked as if
It had never left my hand

“What was that?”
“I dropped it. Then I caught it.”
“That was fast.”

Gravity never stood a chance.

– Mel