The Journal of the Man in The Box.

I rarely go outside anymore. Except for shopping, the rare appointment and the occasional hike up the hill to make sure the moon is still there.

If I were to keep a journal of my daily activities from inside my little box, every entry would look the same.

 

DATE: Any-day-of-the-week Month the Umpteenth

wake

Exercise (Stationary bike, treadmill, weights or yoga depending on how I feel. [I used to have a schedule… screw that])

Shower

Calm Abiding Meditation

Eggs (I wish I were more creative with my eggs… Scrambled, Fried, Omelette, Hard boiled… that’s it)

Internet surfing while watching talk shows from previous night. (Letterman, Conan, Jon & Stephen, Maddow on iTunes and Bill Maher on Sat. mornings or Geek & Sundry, Rev3 & TWiT netcasts [Love Tekzilla, Frame Rate and Breakin’ it Down)

Coffee

Play video games online while listening to music (mostly rock/alt unless its the weekend Sat: Jazz, Sun: Opera) until someone online angers me so much that I have to turn the damn thing off before I break the controller… or I win.

Oatmeal (Raisins, Bananas, Cinnamon and/or just raw sugar)

Watch a game, a couple of movies or a TV series on Netflix, on DVD or pirated (rare but it happens).

Dinner (Vegetables, Pasta, Beans & Rice, Fish or some combination of these)

Insight Meditation

Write something (music, poetry, prose, blog post, comment or complaint letter)

Tea (Green, Chamomile, Peppermint or a blend)

Play the guitar in bed or read until I fall asleep.

(And do it all again the next day)

In-between, I drink lots of water, masturbate if the mood arises, check my e-mail too often for someone with so little going on and pet my cat when she wants me to lest I be bitten or scratched.

But honestly, I’m not in a rut.

I’m in a groove.

However, with the infrequent and unwelcome bouts of anxiety and/or mania that hit me for absolutely no reason out of the blue, I have never experienced an extended period of peace of mind.

But this comes close.

I just wish I could see the moon from the window of my little box.

– Mel

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My Birthday (and His)

45 years ago today I emerged cold, screaming and kicking into this world.

My friends have kept me warm since then, and the screaming has died down somewhat… but I am still kicking.

From the moment Beverly held me close to her and I felt loved to this morning reading how my old school friends on Facebook wish me well since an app told them it was my birthday (and because they’re all very sweet) I have felt the warmth.

From my first real friend to my dear friends who let me sleep on their sofas or on their floors, in their beds and futons or kept me company on the phone, on the stoops or in the bars when I needed someone with which to talk I have felt the warmth of the world.

Even when I was alone, sleeping on the streets of whatever city I happened to be in, I was never cold.

I was angry. Decades of screaming anger misdirected.

In the beginning I screamed at the doctor’s cold hands and at the mother’s cold heart and I cried. The first time of many.

Soon I learned to quiet the screaming anger with cakes and cookies and then with pills and powders and fiery liquids that delivered a false warmth. And when my body began to reject the abuse I was forced to live with the anger and found that there was no shortage of people who were willing (and have the authority) to beat the shit out of you whenever they feel like you’re being a little too angry.

When I realized that there was no real reason for my anger, that it didn’t help a damn thing and only made shit worse, even that made me angry. But the absurdity of this anger made me laugh. I laughed at myself for the first time. I had never til that day laughed at myself sober. I always took everything, everyone and especially myself way too seriously.

Now, I laugh at myself all the time.

I am absurd. I am hopelessly and comically absurd and it’s funny. It’s hysterical in fact.

But without the anger, the anger that fueled my every action, am I still a fighter?

Am I still even alive and kicking?

Am I still that newborn who wanted to beat the shit out of that doctor for having put his hands on me.

“Get your stinking hands off of me you damn dirty ape.” I think I said to him but no one understood me and that just pissed me more the fuck off.

I wanted to bust out of that hospital, and hop a cab to Brooklyn but I had no pockets… and no wallet… or money… or motor skills enough to hop for that matter. Okay, my earliest plans were a little ambitious but I was an angry child.

And now, without that anger, what am I?

Contestant: I’ll take People with Emotional Problems for 200 Alex.

Trebek: My anger defined me for so long.

buzz

Trebek: Melvin

Contestant: Who is Mel?

Trebek: Correct

Sure, I can visit with it. My anger is that extra mile on the treadmill. It’s an 0-2 pitch that’s right… down… the middle. It’s that boss battle that I will not let myself complete on easy. It’s Fox News forcing it’s way into everything I hold dear.

Like an Angel said to me (though he may have been talking to Buffy) “There’s a demon inside of me that hasn’t had a good fight in a while.”

So I bring him out for the trivial stuff. Games and shit but I don’t trust him with anything important. Can’t.

But you know, It’s really his birthday today.

My re-birthday, the day I stopped trying to kill myself, the day I learned to laugh at myself, the day I stopped being angry all the time, that’s another day.

So, happy birthday tough guy. Thanks for making me feel safe when I really wasn’t.

You’ll understand if I don’t let you out to celebrate because frankly you suck.

But I’ll see you on the basketball court.

-Mel

Quick Avengers Review

Fan-fucking-tastic.

See it in the theater. Preferably in 3D. This film benefits from the large crowd, large screen, large expectations and the large green guy with the serious anger issues.

The Avengers

Joss Whedon knocks it out the park.

He manages to at least touch on the iconic match-ups and epic battles then later finds the space to include the team-ups as well.

Fantastic work.

Though it could have used a little more heart and a little more Scarlett.

It was damn near perfect.

Have you seen it yet?

Well if you haven’t then this poll isn’t for you and I wouldn’t read the COMMENTS because they MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS.

So go see it.

-Sloth

The Dark Knight Rises vs. The Avengers (Round 2)

The Trailers…

But first a song… “Trailers. For sale or rent…”

That’s my jam.

Now on to the main event.

First up…

The Avengers Trailer.

And now the newcomer…

The Dark Knight Rises Trailer.

I can’t think of a summer in recent history with two movies where the level of anticipation was this intense without one of the movies being a Twilight (this is awful why does it make so much money) Harry Potter (aw geez am I really the oldest person in this theater) teen-girl-athon.

Prediction: Summer of 2012 crushes box-office records.

I may have to log-off my computer and go play outside.

I’ll see you sinners at the theater,

– Sloth