Wood in the Hood

I primarily sleep in the daytime. I feel better being up at night for a lot of reasons.

I’m more productive at night (when I’m working).

TV is better at night (when I’m not).

The city is prettier at night.

There are fewer people walking around at night and the ones that are roaming the streets are my people; The Nighthawks (Tom Waits), Nite Owls (Watchmen) and Nightbirds ( a bar I used to frequent).

And for a time when I lived on the street I had an on again off again romance with the moon (She liked it when I sang to her).

Unfortunately, business takes place in the day. So I have to, on occasion, get up before noon. But as long as it’s a planned meeting I can switch my sleep schedule around. No problem.

I live in an old building that has the gas meters inside the apartments. So once a month the Con Edison meter reader drops by bright and early. I’m talking 8 or 9am. And since I’m usually crashing by 6am, this is the middle of my REM sleep. And I always forget. I put it on my calendar. I set the alarm on my Mac. I still somehow end up forgetting and then I’m awakened by the sound of the Con Ed worker’s incessant pounding on the door.

“Con Edison? Con Edison?” Boom boom boom.

Like a lot of guys, I wake up with the embarrassing condition called morning wood. An incredibly hard nighttime erection. And I’m not going to brag here, because that’s not what this post is about, but I’ve had no complaints about my size (okay, its mostly length), so it sticks out. It doesn’t matter if I’m wearing pajamas or sweat pants, it’s pointing true north and there is no moving it. So whenever the Con Ed man (and sometimes woman) is waiting to read the meter I’m at full staff. What do I do to hide my shame (okay pride… but inappropriate)

The first time, I reached for a towel before opening the door. That’s not an awkward look; Man holding a towel in front of his aching genitals. Guy comes in, goes to the kitchen, takes the reading and out the door. Sometimes I’m a little too groggy to remember the towel and I lean up against the edge of the door with my penis on the other side. Nope this doesn’t look weird. I’m just holding the door open for you. I’m real fond of this door, that’s why I’m humping it. Nooo I’m not trying to hide my erect penis.

But then I discovered it. The only real method for hiding my morning wood from the world. I could enter my meter’s reading on the Con Ed website. So that handled the problem (so to speak) and has made all the difference, except for the days when I forget and I have to stick my head out and tell them that they can’t come in. It’s like a sad break-up scene. Really, it’s not you it’s me. Well… not me. It’s my penis.

“Con Edison?”

I stick my head out the door with an apologetic tilt. “Oh hey, I’m just going to enter it online. Okay?”

And instead of saying “What are trying to do put me out of a job?” or “What? You don’t want me inside your house or something?” He says “Okay.” and moves on to the next apartment.

Whew. Embarrassment avoided.

Yep, I’m going to enter it in online from now on. I’m just going to type it in with my dick.

-Pride

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