The King of Procrastination

I am the king of procrastination.

“Why should I do something tonight when I can do it next year?”

I need to hire a dominatrix in a tight leather outfit with a riding crop to make me jump and to make me call her mistress while hinting at the possibility of me getting to have sex with her if only I just finished a project.

In other words, I need motivation.

I know what I’ll do. I’ll make a list.

Sex is the first motivation that comes to mind. (see dominatrix fantasy above) I have always been a huge fan. Sex is a powerful motivation but it requires a partner. A resource that I am sorely lacking. Of course there is always masturbation but promising myself that I’ll masturbate if I finish a project is just not good enough of a motivation. So that’s out. Plus if you don’t masturbate for a while you end up dreaming about sex and having to change your sheets in the morning. “Masturbate or your mind will masturbate for you”, Obi Wan told Luke in one of Star Wars‘ lesser known deleted scenes.

Fear is the second one that I think of and I truly believe that it is one of the most powerful of the motivations. But I’m a Buddhist. A lot of people use fear of destitution as a motivator but since I don’t fear being poor, that doesn’t work for me. Fear of death is another popular one. The whole you’re-running-out-of-time-old-man-so-get-to-work-on-your-legacy-you-lazy-fucker bit. This also doesn’t work for me because that whole regret for the things undone bullshit that people go through at the time of death doesn’t affect me either because it’s not all that important in the grand scheme of things. It’s much more important that you die well. So I think that that’s pretty much out since I talk myself in and out of fear daily.

Money is the third. It’s powerful for a lot of people but it depends on how much money you already have and how much money you can get. It’s the main reason most people get up and go to work everyday and unlike the fear of destitution this one deals mainly with how much you can add to your wallet. The problem with this one is that it is too easy to become a slave to it. The more the amount of money you can get goes up, the more you sell-out your ideals and your integrity. Once you give in to the lust for money, you increase your need for money and you lower your standards and your principles little by little or sometimes all at once. It becomes, not just a slippery slope. It becomes a fucking precipice. The objection to this one is a lot of my father talking. He never betrayed his integrity for his bank account and I respected him for that. No matter how little money we had, he never gave in to the easy profit of turning his passion into a prostitution and neither will I.

Treats or junk food, the fourth motivation, is a good one, if you are a dog or a child. What am I five? It’s worth thinking about and it does have a little potential, however, as long as you don’t get too productive and then get too fat. So let me see if I can think of a good treat for me… Cake? Candy? Cookies? Cannabis? That’s an interesting one. A drug that is the antithesis of motivation, the partner in crime of procrastination, used as a reward for working. No, no, no. What am I thinking? I load up a bong hit. Get some work done and then I get my reward of smoking weed… then comes the cookies, then the cake, then the potato chips, then little cheese wedges and crackers? Too fat too fast, too high. No good. Plus… what were we talking about? Huh? Dude… Next!

A job well done is a fantastic motivation, and the fifth on my list, but it is a presumptuous one. It presumes that the result will make me happy enough to start another project. It presupposes that I’m as good as I think I am. It is the experience of doing the work that makes you get better at it. Creation is a muscle and you have to exercise it. But if you don’t knock it out of the park on the first at-bat then where is the motivation for the next one. A few failures in a row and you end up trying to come up with other ways to motivate yourself and racking your brain and posting it on your blog in some weird stream of consciousness. Wrong again.

So in conclusion, what I’ve learned is that if I don’t create something that will earn me some real money or impress the populous, I will never have sex again, I will continue to be alone, smoking weed, eating junk food and masturbating while burning through my savings and feeling like I have no skills, no legacy, no talent and finally dying with the deepest regrets of a wasted life.

Did I get everything?

Nope. I forgot about fame and recognition. I forgot that I am a narcissistic son-of-a-bitch (thanks David). I AM that fucking guy. Like my father, I want the respect of my peers. Like Narcissus, I love my reflection and don’t know what I will do when I’m no longer able to look at myself in the mirror. Like any other ego-maniac, I crave adoration. I want to impress people. I want to impress my next door neighbor. I want to impress my readers. I want to impress strangers in the street and old friends on Facebook. My motivation is and has always been this deep-seated need for people to be impressed with me. That’s why I liked school so much. Every fucking day someone told me how good I was, how smart I was. And I loved that shit. And that’s it. That’s fucking it. I finally figured it out. My motivation is that I need people to tell me how good I am and no one has done that for a while because I haven’t made anything worthwhile in a while. I want my fucking gold stars and I want them now!

I think I got it.

I’m back, baby.

– Mel


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