Uncle Tom’s Employment Agency

Are you a job creator that could use a “diversity hire” to fill-out a government quota but you’re too afraid you’ll end up with a black radical, black panther or reverse racist?

Mitt Romney

“Binders full of black people, I do not have. So, um… Yes.”

Yes.

Are you sick and tired of having to check to see if any minorities are around before telling the latest Obama So Black joke at work? I’m talking to you big guy.

“Here’s one you may not have heard. Obama is so black…” Just say yes, Donald. “Yes.”

Yes.

Do you believe that reverse racism is more than just something white supremacists invented as a way to justify their hatred and hide their political impotence?

“Let me tell you something about the Negro…”

You know what. Don’t answer that last question. Just call…

Uncle Tom’s Employment Agency.

We have the black candidates that wont make you feel insecure about your bigotry.

We have the Negroes for you.

Ben Carson

“This blog post is the worst thing since slavery.”

Uncle Tom’s Employment Agency 

We have the job applicants that will allow you to feel secure about telling racist jokes at the office. Our men have the blackest skin with the most perfect diction. You’d swear they were just normal people by listening to them but trust me they’re all black. You’ll be amazed. And our black women candidates are some of lightest-skinned “sistahs” around. They all self-identify as white women, but don’t you worry. They know which box to check off at tax time and with little to no sass or back talk. In no time at all you’ll be known as An Equal Opportunity Employer.

Amy Holmes

“I’m not black. My father was from Africa. Ah-free-ca. We weren’t slaves.”

The first thing your clients will say when they see your new hire will be “My god! What a credit to his race.” or they’ll ask “She’s only half black isn’t she?” (as if there’s such a thing). And go ahead and tell that aggressively and disgustingly racist joke in front of them. They can take it. They’re just that good.

Allen West

“You’re reading the blog of someone who despises you. I should know. I hate everyone.”

Now here comes the tricky part. After you’ve told your racist joke in front of one of our highly qualified “black” applicants, a few moments will pass (it will seem to everyone in the room as if it’s been long minutes spent in tense silence). Don’t be alarmed. This is done on purpose. The tension build up will make the pay off all the more sweeter as our candidate will laugh at the joke. But not just laugh, he’ll say “Good one.” and “I heard THAT.” and “I can’t wait to tell my wife that one.” (Don’t worry none of our candidates have white wives. That would be wrong)

Clarence Thomas

“I do not respect my wife’s decision to marry a black man… Sorry Honey, I’m under oath.”

All our candidates are skilled in the best fake laughter. You’ll swear he’s pissing his pants while making full eye contact with the “racist joke” teller in the most submissive way possible (without seeming gay of course) and did you know he’ll even give that bigoted individual an extra little smile just to let them know that THIS Negro isn’t one of THOSE.

*Ask about our Black Republicans. Black Yes Men. And Dark-Skinned Right-Wing Pundits who will agree begrudgingly to the most hateful racist rhetoric with a nervous smile. (as seen on Fox News)

Michael Steele

” Now everybody be cool. He’s not calling us Uncle Toms. It’s just the name of the agency.”

Uncle Tom’s Employment Agency

Make sure to ask your new diversity hire about his thoughts on Ferguson or the Confederate Flag and he’ll answer, “Confederate is just another word for friend.” or he’ll joke,  “You mean Sarah Ferguson the Duchess of York?” And it will all seem as non-confrontational and submissive like as if he were calling you “Massah” without the slightest bit of irony. (*because of ongoing litigation our candidates will not and can not refer to you as “Master”, “Massah”, “Suh Boss” or “Bossman” and will in fact call you by your first name as if you were good friends).

Ask them about #BlackLivesMatter or the Black Lives Matter movement and our candidate will smile sheepishly and tell you reassuringly that he thinks ALL lives matter (without throwing up a little in his mouth).

Senator Scott

“I am opposed to this blog post in every way. Unless I’m told to believe otherwise.”

Uncle Tom’s Employment Agency will send you the colored faces that can fill out any staff photo, Human Resources pamphlet or Police Brutality Press Conference Podium.

Uncle Tom’s Employment Agency will fill your color quota without creating the hostile, “dark” and scary workplace of your worst nightmares.

Uncle Tom’s Employment Agency will work with you and your lawyers to bring you the diversity hire of your dreams. Our candidates will always be “one of the good ones.” We guarantee it. (guarantee void after 6 month probationary period)

Condi Rice

“Melvin, I swear, if you call me an Aunt Jemima, I will cut you.”

Uncle Tom’s

Satisfying your employment needs since 1648

…………………………………………………………………………………………

User Comments 1-5 of 209

anonymous Writes: We used your service earlier this year and were quite happy with our “black person.” But after his 6 month probationary period, he became a full-time employee and he changed practically over-night. He put up a photo of Malcolm X in his cubicle where everyone could see it. Last week he wore a Dashiki to work on casual Friday. Is this a bait & switch? He’s talking lawsuit. I can’t be sued again. I just can’t.

wutangfan69 Writes: I had a similar experience to the previous commenter. It was like he changed all of a sudden. The look he gave me when I innocently called him “Mah N****h.” I meant nothing bad. They say it all the time to each other. I can still see his angry eyes. I was afraid to go to work this morning and I’m the owner. You have Ben Carson and Clarence Thomas in your ad. But what you sent me was more like Wesley Snipes.

aynrand4ever Writes: You can’t say you’re sending a non-threatening black yes-man and send a highly intelligent and qualified n-word who’s now competing for MY job. You see that? I’m saying “n-word” now. He’s got me afraid to even type the word n-word. You should be ashamed of yourselves. I will never use your service again.

ngryblkmn38 Writes: 6 years after taking office, your “candidate” is walking around like he owns the place. I think they call it swagger. But I’m not complaining. It’s kind of nice.

dtrumpjrjr Writes: I specifically requested a “mammy” type, light-skinned African-American female to be my personal assistant. But I was not aware that I wouldn’t be able to pat her on the butt every once in a while. They have such nice… She broke my arm in three places. Can I get a refund?

Spared or Spoiled Film Reviews: Trainwreck

The rules are simple. The good get spared. The bad get spoiled.

Trainwreck (Universal Pictures)

Trainwreck Poster

Directed by Judd Apatow

Written by Amy Schumer

Starring Amy Schumer, Bill HaderBrie LarsonColin QuinnJohn CenaLeBron JamesTilda Swinton & Amar’e Stoudemire

Amy Schumer is hysterical. I’ve loved her from the beginning. I love her TV show. I love her stand-up. I love her. And as it turns out she can act and she can write. Because Trainwreck is amazing. Absolutely amazing. It’s raunchy and dirty and funny and sincere. And here’s a movie that made me cry laughing and made me cry crying and the made me cry laughing again. And I love when that happens. And yes it’s a romance so it has the obligatory schmaltzy-ness that all romances need. But I didn’t mind it because it was so goddamn funny. There are three different sex scenes in Trainwreck, three separate sex scenes, that each almost made me bust a gut. So incredibly funny.

Verdict: SPARED

Trainwreck

“Ooh I think he likes us.” “Me too. I feel a love fest coming on.”

Here’s something you may not know about me. I am a bisexual man (or maybe you already knew that). I mention it here because I was working on a blog piece a while back about Attraction. And I was listing and discussing the many qualities and things I find attractive in men and in women. And I was surprised to find that those things were different for men and for women. I mean there’s a list of things that are generally agreed to be attractive by almost everybody. Intelligence, creativity, confidence, sense of humor… and there are others. And these are all great qualities in both sexes. But I found that if those qualities are taken to extremes. For instance, extremely funny men. I don’t really want to fuck them, I just want to have a beer with them. Extremely funny women, however, I want to fuck them into next week. And the reason I mention this is because Amy Schumer is so funny that I’m in love with her now. She is so attractive to me now.

Amy Schumer

“I’m attractive to you NOW. Do you know how bad that sounds?”

Amy writes and stars in one of the funniest movies I have seen in a long time. Judd Apatow directs and they create real characters in real relationships with family, friends and lovers. But they have fake jobs and fake lives because you know how romance movies are. The apartments are always way too nice and their jobs are way too cool. He’s a sports surgeon and she’s a magazine writer. He hangs out with LeBron James (actually playing one on one with him) and she works for the most insane and hysterically abrasive woman since The Devil Wears Prada (Her boss is played terrifically by Tilda Swinton). But it’s the real-ness of all the relationships that make Trainwreck so damn good.

Amy Schumer and Bill Hader in Trainwreck

“This review is so sappy. It’s making me uncomfortable… like spooning on a first date.”

Trainwreck is the story of a party girl who does not believe in monogamy. And avoids true intimacy. Oh my god, I’ve known so many women like her. It’s so real. Which makes it all the more funny. It’s just something you don’t see in mainstream movies. And never ever done this well. It has a fantastic cast of comedians, actors and athletes doing a great job bringing their characters to life. And her “somewhat” boyfriend, played by John Cena, steals the movie with this cringe-worthy sex scene.

John Cena is so fucking funny

“I’m good in the movie. I’m really good. Tell me I’m good.” “You’re good in the movie.” “I told you I was good.” “Are you done now?” “I’m good”

Everyone’s great but LeBron James. He is awful. His lines are funny. And he doesn’t break character. So I’ll give him that. But I just couldn’t believe him. Everyone else is so good and he sticks out like an awful acting sore thumb in the body of LeBron James.

LeBron James and Bill Hader in Trainwreck

“Hi is this ghosts of Stanislavski and Strasberg? Yes. I’m sitting here with LeBron… Hello?”

I laughed so hard all the way through Trainwreck, from the opening sex scene to the end credits. It is hysterical. The theater was packed for a movie in its second week. A film marred by yet another mass shooting in America (If you google the film’s name it’s the first story that comes up). I already wanted to see the film but I was prepared to wait until it came out on video. But after another attack in a movie theater, I had to go out and support it. I really hope this doesn’t become a thing. Shooting people in the back while they watch a movie in the dark. I need for this to stop. It upsets me. The movie theater is my church, my school. I wrote a short poem about this the last time it happened back in 2012. You can find it here. I wrote something smaller after this one.

Sitting in the dark
My back to the door
My ass to the world
My face in a dream
Enjoying the sounds and images
The lives and love and laughter
Trusting
Trusting
Trusting
That no one behind me
There in the dark
Is having a bad day.

Trainwreck Movie Still

“…and then he said he was in love with me and wrote me a poem. No. I’m being serious.”

I wish the shooter would’ve just watched the damn movie. I think it would have cheered him up. It’s very good. And very funny. Trainwreck is a very funny movie. And Amy… I am so in love with her now… no matter what she says about black guys.

– Mel

James Bond: Spectre Trailer

You guys know how much I love James Bond.

And how much I love the car….

This looks really good.

I’ve really enjoyed Daniel Craig’s run as James Bond.

Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace, Skyfall

I loved them all.

So, I can’t wait for this one.

– Mel

Songs That Define Me: Tool’s Forty Six & 2 (Kid’s Cover)

Hey guys,

A few posts ago I talked about not being able to define myself in words and wanting to use music. So I was going to post Ten Songs That Define Me. But then I thought, why should I limit myself or force myself into picking ten? Plus I wanted to find live versions of the songs or clever videos for the songs to make it interesting. And that’s where I ran into my problem. I didn’t want to just post the songs. But post some cool videos of the songs.

So instead of posting all of my “Songs That Define Me” in one post I’ve decided to make it into a series. If I find a good video I’ll post it and if I can’t find it I’ll record it myself and post me doing the song on acoustic or something. The first song was Mayonaise by Smashing Pumpkins. I posted that in my What’s Good post for early Summer.

But here is a great acoustic version of that song to make it official. Even though the video is flopped (backwards) and Billy cracks up toward the end. This is the best audio-visual example of that song being performed that I can find.

 

But this post is about the second song from my “Songs That Define Me” series. And trust me they won’t all be rock songs. But this song most definitely is. It’s Forty Six & 2 by Tool. And I found this insanely good cover by a group of kids from the O’Keefe Music Foundation. Covering Forty Six & 2 is difficult to begin with (It goes from 4/4 to 7/8, 5/8 & 3/8 overlapping the drummers amazing 7/8) so THIS is outstanding.

Kala Scarpinski

They say the song’s title refers to the next evolution of human DNA (we’re at 44 & 2 chromosomes) but I like to think of it (at least recently and personally) as my age and my time. It is a call to arms. I love this song. Actually this entire album is fantastic. Tool’s album Ænima is in my top ten favorite albums of forever and always. Take it kids…

 

I’m going to put up Tool’s version of their song but honestly I prefer my girl Kala Rose (Kala Scarpinski)’s vocals to Maynard’s (seriously I do).

Kala Rose

I’m also going to add her doing Sober with her current group from this year. (Forty Six & 2 was from 2013). This little girl is gonna be huge if she keeps rocking.

 

Anyway, I can totally see her as a rock star one day. But here is the original version of Forty Six & 2 by Tool… for comparison or just because it kicks ass.

Forty Six & 2

My shadow’s shedding skin.
I’ve been picking scabs again.
I’m down.
Digging through.
My old muscles looking for a clue.
I’ve been crawling on my belly.
Clearing out what could’ve been.
I’ve been wallowing in my own confused and insecure delusions.
For a peace to cross me over.
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I’ve been hiding in my shadow.
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow’s shedding skin.
I’ve been picking my scabs again.
I’ve been crawling on my belly.
Clearing out what could’ve been.
I’ve been wallowing in my own CHAOTIC and insecure delusions.
I wanna feel the change consume me.
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and cleansing I’ve endured within my shadow.
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I’ve been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.
I choose to live and to grow.
Take and give and to MOVE
Learn and love and to CRY
Kill and die and to be paranoid and to lie
Hate and fear and to Do what it takes to move through.
I choose to live and to lie
Kill and give and to die
Learn and love and to Do what it takes to step through.
See my shadow changing, stretching up and over me.
Softening this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way by stepping through my shadow,
And coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.

(Now is my time)

Thanks for listening.

Until we meet again,

– Mel

Photos from Around the Block: Ant-Man Friday

I went to see Ant-Man on Friday. Took some pictures before the movie. Took some pics after the movie. I’ve been up to Lincoln Square a lot and have taken more than a few pictures in that area, so this time I concentrated more on people. I took a lot more photos of people on the street and the reflections of buildings off of other buildings. So, once again I picked the twenty best ones and I’ll post them here. I really like these. Especially the late afternoon reflections and the people.

I'm Ant-Man

I’m Ant-Man

Plus Ant-Man was a good movie. So that usually means, when the movie is good, I get better pictures. Good movies make me happy.

To the pics…

This lady here is checking out the pics on my blog.

This lady here is checking out the pics on my blog. She clicked LIKE and so should you.

The many layers of a New York Subway Station

The many layers of a New York Subway Station

Hat Lady was a good pic because I couldn't see her face and her dog was checking me out.

“Are you checking out my owner’s hat?” Hat Lady was a good pic because I couldn’t see her face and her dog was checking me out.

The Fountain at Lincoln Center in Repose

The Fountain at Lincoln Center in Repose

"Stop in the name of love..."

“Stop in the name of love…”

The  Fountain at Lincoln Center Explodes

The Fountain at Lincoln Center Explodes

Fruit Vendor

Fruit Vendor and an Old Asian Couple

I think I'm going to do a whole book of just the reflections of buildings off of other buildings.

I think I’m going to do a whole book of just the reflections of buildings off of other buildings.

A guy on a ladder

A guy on a ladder

A Bird on a head is worth  three in that bush... nevermind.

A bird on the head is worth three in that bush… never mind.

Box Office (I don't know why I like this picture so much)

Box Office (I don’t know why I like this picture so much. There’s really not much going on)

Ladies...

Ladies… They look cold. It’s 27 degrees out… Give them your jacket.

A building reflection with a refracted rainbow.

A building reflection with a refracted rainbow.

On The Chow... New York style.

On The Chow… Outdoors… New York style.

Gum Balls

Gum Balls in Seven Colors (but just one flavor)

Sometimes you can't see the fountain through the trees.

Sometimes you can’t see the fountain through the trees. (that guy knows what I’m talking about)

Columbus Circle Globe from underneath

Columbus Circle Globe from underneath

Focus Pull

Focus Pull

A reflected building

A reflected building distorted and fractured.

The Plane Above The Building

A Plane, High Above The City, Going North… that’s my ride.

And that’s all the pics I got.

Until next time,

– Mel